


A Lost Star

by Linzstl



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Minor Octavia Blake/Lincoln
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2020-01-14 18:03:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 55,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18481510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linzstl/pseuds/Linzstl
Summary: With the help of her precocious daughter, Lexa Woods reconnects with her high school sweetheart, who just happens to be, Clarke Griffin, one of the biggest celebrities on the planet.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is loosely based on a Hallmark Xmas movie I saw.

_“I don’t know about this tour, Lex.”_  
_Situated under their favorite tree in the quad, Lexa looked down at Clarke, who was sprawled out on the grass with her head in Lexa’s lap._  
_“What do you mean you don’t know about the tour? What’s not to know? This is a great opportunity for you Clarke.”_  
_Her girlfriend huffed and refused to make eye contact, while employing her hands with pulling grass from the ground and tearing it up. She bit her lip and continued staring at her hands as she replied, “I know, but it’s three months. We have never been apart for that long. We were supposed to go home for the summer. You would train and I would write new music and we would just spend some quality time together. This year has been so busy with my classes and rehearsals and your games and training schedule, I wanted to have time for us. We had a plan and now this tour is screwing everything up.” With that she threw the shredded shards of grass off to the side and finally looked up and made eye contact with her girlfriend. “I just hate being apart from you. I’m not sure this tour is worth it.”_  
_Lexa smiled down at Clarke and bent down to give her a soft peck on the forehead._  
_“Clarke, this is a huge opportunity for you. Octavia’s brother has gotten you three whole months of shows all over the country. You are touring with a great up and coming band. Your music is being heard and people love it. This is everything you have been dreaming of. This is the start of something huge baby, I can feel it.” Clarke smiled up at her and Lexa ran her fingers through Clarke’s long blonde locks._  
_Suddenly Clarke sat up and turned around so she and Lexa were face to face on the same level. She grabbed Lexa’s hands before asking “Is there any way you could come with me? I can help you train during the day, and maybe we can find a gym that is in each city we stop in. That way you can keep up with your lifting and stuff.”_  
_Lexa just shook her head as Clarke spoke. This was not an option and they both knew it._  
_“Clarke, you know I can’t do that. It’s not just weight training. I’m the captain this year and we have a few summer practice weeks, plus I need to be on the field every day. And we both know that Anya's going to need me. It’s just not possible sweetie.”_  
_Clarke pouted but nodded her head. She then lunged forward and wrapped Lexa in a bone crushing hug. “I know. I know. I guess I’m just grasping at straws. Three months is a long time. I’m going to miss you so much.”_  
_Lexa pulled away and looked at Clarke again. Her beautiful blue eyes were beginning to glisten with the moisture of unshed tears she was desperately trying to contain. Lexa loved Clarke’s eyes. She could stare at them forever, drowning in a sea of blue._  
_“Clarke. This is nothing. It’s three months. I love you like crazy. We have an epic connection and a great relationship. I’m going to miss you, but we both will be so busy that the time will fly. You have nothing to worry about, we will make it through. I promise.”_  
_Clarke looked right back at Lexa and smiled. She opened her mouth and began to sing, “You are right. Nothing good is ever easy. There’s always work to do. But we’ll make it through, make it through. I’ll be holding on to you, we will make it through, yeah we will make it through. Make it through. We’ll be stronger when we do, yeah we will make it through”_  
  
Lexa’s eyes slowly opened as she woke from her beautiful dream. She blinked a few times as she took in her surroundings and was transported away from the memories in her dream and back to the present and her current reality. She was laying on the couch in the living room of her house. Behind her she could hear her daughter rustling around at the kitchen table, probably working on her turkey decorations for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Lexa slowly sat up, and stretched, pushing the last remnants of her dreamy sleep away. That’s when she registered the music that was filling room, playing out from the small speaker on the side table. Lexa recognized that voice. It was a voice from her past, the one she has just been dreaming about. And she recognized the words that were being sung:

  
  
Yeah, I know the night is long  
The light is gone  
But just hold on  
Cause we’ll make it through  
Make it through  
I’ll be holding on to you  
We will make it through  
Oh, we will find a way to make it through  
We will make it through  
Even in the coldest winter  
Still the spring is on its way  
And everything that once was dying  
Will bloom and take our breath away

  
  
Lexa’s mind immediately shot back to her dream, and her memory of that very real day in the quad with Clarke. It was the last day they were together in that spot, which had been their favorite hang-out for the two years they had been in college together. She stood up and shook her head, forcing the memories away. It was never a good idea for her to dwell on her memories of Clarke. They always made her wistful and sad, and then guilty for still harboring those emotions. It somehow felt like a betrayal to Cositia and their time together. It was just best to think of Clarke as who she was now, a mega star singer and actress, famous across the globe, someone above the fray, on a pedestal, unattainable, only to be admired from a far. She was an enigma now. Not a real person to Lexa, not anymore.  
  
“Mama, did you have a good nap?” questioned Madi. “You missed the end of the movie, when Jack Jack uses ALL his powers and helps save the family. It’s really funny.”  
Lexa smiled and nodded at her daughter. “Yes honey, I remember the end” she stated as she stood from then couch, grabbing her blanket, muttering under her breath, “because we’ve watched the movie 30 times already.”   
She finished folding the blanket and then turned her attention back to Madi, wearily noticing the catastrophe of paper, markers, glitter, and glue spread across her kitchen table and overflowing onto the floor.  
“What are you doing over there Mads?”  
“Finishing up the turkey decorations to take to Grandma and Grandpa’s house tomorrow. We can’t show up empty handed Mama, that would be rude.” Madi says whilst sternly looking over at her mother. Lexa chuckles as she recognizes the seriousness in her daughter’s tone.  
“And Grandpa says he wouldn’t know what holiday it was if not because of my beautiful decorations. Mama, I want to make sure he knows it’s Thanksgiving, so I’m making 10 turkeys.”  
Lexa moves over to then kitchen table and starts to gather up the mountains of cut up construction paper.  
“Well that’s great monkey. These look wonderful. Your grandfather will love them.” As she moves to put the craft leftovers in the trash, she switches off the speaker and silences the music.  
“Mama!!!! Why did you do that? I was listening to Clarke Griffin! I love that song! Turn it back on.” Maddie pleaded, but Lexa resisted her daughter’s pout.  
“No more music. It’s time to go up to bed. You need to finish up here and then head up to brush your teeth. We have a big day tomorrow”

Her daughter grumbled but immediately followed her mother’s instructions. Lexa was a loving but strict parent, and her kid knew not to argue when she gave her instructions. As her daughter marched up the stairs to ready for bed, Lexa made herself a cup of coffee and nervously eyed the recipe book containing the instructions for the potato dish she had promised to bring to dinner tomorrow. It was time to get cooking.

The next morning did not go as smoothly as Lexa had hoped. Her potatoes from the night before turned into a disaster. She had burned them and set off her smoke alarm in the process. Of course, the crying alarm had awakened Madi, who came running downstairs to witness her mother’s cooking disaster. The scene in the kitchen had Madi laughing and rolling around on the floor. The whole episode took over two hours of cleaning and calming Madi down before she could be coaxed back into bed. Both Woods girls were tired this morning, and they were late getting out of the house. The duo then had to stop at an extremely crowded grocery store in order to procure some replacement potato dish to make up for the one Lexa destroyed in the kitchen last night. While waiting in the long check out line, Madi noticed the magazine rack and her attention was immediately drawn to the cover adorning her favorite celebrity.

“Mama look! It’s Clarke on the magazine! Can we buy it? It says she’s heartbroken over Finn Collins!”

Lexa glanced over as she set her items on the rolling check-out counter. It was a trashy gossip rag, with a picture of Clarke Griffin scowling from the left side of a broken heart graphic. On the right side, was the smirking pretty boy actor.

Lexa handed money to the cashier while replying to her girl, “Mads you don’t need the magazine. Those are trashy and you can’t believe anything you read in them. Now move it. We are running late, and if your Aunt Anya and Aden beat us to Grandma and Grandpa’s house, we will never hear the end of it.”

Lexa retrieved her receipt from the cashier, grabbed the bags, and herded her child out of the store and back into the car.

As soon as they parked in the driveway, Madi jumped out from the front seat and met her mother in the back to retrieve her decorations from the trunk. She watch as Lexa grabbed the grocery bag and a few drinks, mumbling to herself again about her horrible cooking disaster from the night before. As she closed the trunk, Lexa noticed her daughter, still standing by the car and looking up at her with a very serious expression.

“Mama, are you okay?”

“Of course I am. Why?”

“I just know that today is hard for you. I heard Grandma say that holidays are always hard for people cupping with long term bravement. I’m not sure what that means but she thinks you are sad and you work too hard.”

Lexa subtly rolled her eyes, annoyed that Madi would hear these things. “I think she said ‘coping’ and ‘bereavement’ which is a big word for sadness. But regardless, what does your Grandma know?”

“She is a psychiatrist.” responded Madi.

“Not mine.” said Lexa.

“Mama, I get sad about Mommy too. Do you think she is still with us? Like an angel?”

Lexa just sighed before sitting down on the back edge of the car and motioning for her daughter to join her. “I think she is. I know she is watching over you all the time.” Lexa cupped her daughter’s cheek as she tried to provide words of comfort.

“And you too Mama. She’s watching over you too.”

“Yeah, me too.” Lexa stood up, pulling Madi with her, and enveloped the young girl in a big hug. “Now, why don’t you hurry inside and get those decorations up. We wouldn’t want Grandpa getting confused and thinking it’s Easter or something, would we?”

With that she handed the bag of cut out turkeys to her daughter, who turned and ran towards the house.

Lexa stayed behind for a moment, leaning against the car and collecting herself. Thinking about her wife, she glanced up to the sky and murmured “Why does it have to be so hard, Cos? I just hope I’m not screwing her up. You would have been so much better at all this.”

Taking a deep breath, Lexa pushed herself off the car, and readied herself for a long day with the family.

Hours later, Lexa was happily sitting on the barstool in her mother’s kitchen, while sipping a glass of red wine, and folding napkins. Her father, Gustus was in the family room watching football with her nephew Aden, who was allowing Madi to attempt to paint his nails. Madi had been right, holidays were especially hard without Costia, but it was made bearable by the love and support she received from her family. Well…. most of her family.  
Lexa’s sister, Anya, was currently cackling away as she cut veggies at the counter.

“Mom, I sill can’t believe you trusted Lexa with the potato casserole. She is incompetent in the kitchen. Come Christmas, you better give her something easy like, wine or a fruit plate or something. Anything beyond that and she is simply unreliable.”

Indra laughed and shook her head. “I thought it was time. She’s a 33 year old single mother. She needs to know how to cook. Although, I wasn’t thinking about the safety of that blessed child when I gave her something she had to put in an oven. From what I hear she could have burned the whole house down.” With that both Indra and Anya paused, looking at Lexa, before they began laughing again at her expense.

A loud huff came from the living room before Madi’s voice cried out, “Will you please be quiet in there! Clarke Griffin is performing for the halftime show and I can’t hear it!”

Immediately, all three women in the kitchen ceased their laughter. Lexa slowly spun around on the stool to steal a glance at the TV. Smirking, Anya strolled around the kitchen island and headed towards the family room, standing right behind Madi, whose attention was back on the performance.

“Clarke Griffin huh? Did you hear that Lexa?!?” She exaggeratingly yelled over her shoulder. “Clarke Griffin is performing on the half-time show!”

At this, Madi interjected, “Mama doesn’t care. I don’t think she even knows who Clarke Griffin is; she’s too old.”

Anya scoffed “Did you hear that Lex? Madi thinks you are too old to know who Clarke Griffin is.”

Lexa stood up, still watching the television, and sarcastically replied “Yeah, well she is right. I’m ancient. They didn’t have music back in the dark ages”

“SHHHHHHHHH” Yelled Madi. She moved closer to the TV so she was sitting right in front of it and turned the volume up to an outrageously high level, until Clarke’s voice was practically screaming out of the TV.

This is my heartbeat song and I'm gonna play it  
Been so long I forgot how to turn it up up up up all night long  
Oh up up all night long

You, where the hell did you come from?  
You're a different, different kind of fun  
And I'm so used to feeling numb  
Now, I got pins and needles on my tongue  
Anticipating what's to come  
Like a finger on a loaded gun

I can feel it rising  
Temperature inside me  
Haven't felt it for a lifetime

“You all better be quiet” Aden warned the group. “Madi is obsessed with Clarke. She wants to be her when she grows up!”

Madi turned around from the TV to reply “I do NOT! I just like her music. And she’s really nice and funny and cool. Everybody loves her!”

“That’s more true than you know” Anya responded quietly while walking over to her sister, whose eyes had not left the screen. “Right Lex?” She asked as she patted her sister on the back.

Lexa paled, and started backing away towards the kitchen. “I need to go help Mom set the table” and the turned and fled back to her mother in the other room.

“What was that about?” asked Aden. Anya who was watching her sister occupy herself in the kitchen turned back to her son. “What was what about?”

“Aunt Lexa was acting strange when you started talking about Clarke. What’s that about? Doesn’t she like her music? Because I agree with Mads, Clarke is great. And hot”

Anya’s face scrunched up in disgust. “Ugh, please never say that about Clarke again” Aden looks up at her questioningly. “Or any woman. You’re 13! I feel like it’s too early for you to talk like that.”

Anya shared a look with her father, Gustus who had silently been watching the scene unfold from his spot on the couch. He simply shrugged at her and stood up heading towards to dining room. Anya looked back to Aden and Madi who were both looking at her with curious eyes.

“See guys, the thing about Lexa and Clarke is….”

“Dinner is ready. Everybody wash hands and take your seats at the table” Indra marched into the living room, interrupting her daughter. “Now, please. Anya, help bring the food to the table.” She grabbed the arm of her eldest daughter and yanking her towards the kitchen.

Aden and Madi exchanged glances, before following suite and heading in for dinner.

The mystery of Clarke Griffin was momentarily forgotten as the family ate Thanksgiving dinner and caught up with each other. After stuffing themselves with turkey, stuffing, store bought potatoes and the works, dinner began to wind down when the family matriarch left the table only to return moments later with dessert in hand.

“I hope everybody made room for pumpkin pie!” Shouts of affirmation were heard around the table and Indra sat the pie down and began cutting up pieces and passing them around.

“I don’t want any.” Aden proclaimed. “I like apple pie better.”

“Aden, don’t be rude” Anya lightly scolded “Your grandma always makes Pumpkin Pie for Thanksgiving. You know that. You have to wait until Christmas, when Grandpa makes his special Apple Pie.”

“Speaking of Christmas” came Madi’s hesitant voice “I found out Clarke Griffin is doing a charity concert on Christmas Eve. Mama, do you think we could go to that this year? It’s for a good cause.”

Anya almost choked on her wine. Indra and Gustus shuffled in their seats nervously, while Lexa just cleared her throat and responded “I don‘t think so monkey. You need to be home on Christmas Eve, in bed, if you want presents from Santa.”

Anya was still giggling into her wine glass, when Aden, who was eyeing everyone at the table suspiciously finally demanded “What is happening? What is the issue with Clarke Griffin. Mom, you and Aunt Lexa are acting really weird every time someone mentions her name!”

“There is nothing weird, Ade” Lexa tried to assure her nephew. But on the other side of the table, Madi was also picking up on the odd behavior.

“Nope! That’s not true. She’s making her fibbing face. Like when she tells me that she likes broccoli so I should eat it too! There is definitely something going on!”

With both kids ganging up on them, the adults at the table were silent, just looking at one another waiting for the secret to come out. Finally, Anya, put her glass down and relented “ok FINE. You got us. I’ll tell you.” She took a long dramatic pause and looked towards her sister, eyeing her for permission, which Lexa granted with an almost imperceptible nod of the head. “We know Clarke Griffin. She used to live around here, and she went to high school with us.”

The reaction from both Madi and Aden was immediate.

“What?”

“You know Clarke Griffin?”

“How did we not know this?”

“She lived around here?”

They started bombarding the table with questions, shouting over each other, demanding more information. Anya decided to just spill it all.

“Yep, she moved to Polis when she was a freshman in high school. Same age as Lexa. I was a Junior, but we were all pretty close back then.”

Once again, the kids could not control their excitement.

“You went to school together?”

“Do you have pictures?”

“You were friends?”

Lexa remained silent, growing increasingly uncomfortable, while Anya continued the story.

“Actually, Clarke and Lexa were a bit more than friends. They were high school sweethearts.”

At this the kids were simply stunned into silence. They both starred at a rapidly blushing Lexa, while Anya went on.

“Yep, Lexa and Clarke were together all through high school and then into college. They were the power couple. The star soccer player and beautiful cheerleader turned singer. They were crazy in love, and everybody wanted to be them.”

With Aden still gaping at Lexa, Madi finally spoke up. “No way! Mama dated a celebrity?”

Lexa shook her head slightly and shrugged.  “Not exactly. She wasn’t famous back then.”

“What happened?” interrupted Aden.

At a loss for words, Lexa simply replied “Life. It wasn’t meant to be. End of story.”

This seemed to stop all conversation, leaving the kids disappointed, before Anya, now on her third glass of wine, interjected.

“Not exactly end of story. See Clarke wanted our little Lex here to move to Los Angeles but” Anya’s words were stopped when she noticed the glare her sister was giving her from across the table. “but it uh… didn’t work out.”

“Why not?” asked Aden and Madi simultaneously.

“It’s complicated” was the only response Lexa seemed ready to give.

But Anya refused to drop it.

“In my personal opinion” she stated “Lexa didn’t want to live in Clarke’s shadow.”

Affronted with the accusation, Lexa slammed her glass down on the table. “Anya! How could you say that? That is absolutely not true.”

Indra and Gustus nervously eyed each other over the table, sensing the tension rising in the room, but Anya, seemingly oblivious, continued on.

“Okay, Lex. So you conveniently broke up with her right as your soccer career was ending and her singing career was taking off?”

Starring daggers at her sister, Lexa replied though gritted teeth “We grew apart, okay it just wasn’t meant to be. Kind of like every relationship you have ever had!”

Recognizing the signs of a fight brewing, Indra quickly jumped in to try and calm everyone down.

“Okay, that’s enough. I think we have had enough reminiscing for today. Let’s just finish dessert, shall we?”

The family then sat quietly, eating the remainder of the pies. Madi, looked down at her plate in thought before interrupting the silence by quietly asking “Did Mommy know about Clarke?”

Lexa looked helplessly back at her daughter. She was upset and she couldn’t find the words to reply. Thankfully, her father stepped in on her behalf.

“Yeah little one, your mom did know about Clarke. They all went to high school together. They were friends.”

Indra jumped in as well “Your mom had her first love too, you know. I believe she dated a young lady for several years in college, before she came back home. Both your moms had their own heartbreaks before they fell in love with each other. And that’s how life works. Full of lessons. It makes the heart grow stronger.”

“And on that note” added Gustus “let’s clear the table. We have another football game to watch!”

Indra, Gustus, Aden, and Lexa all stood immediately, grabbing plates and heading in to the kitchen. Anya remained seated, finishing her wine. Madi’s eyes were on her.

“Hey Aunt Anya?” Madi asked. “Do you think Clarke still remembers my Mama?”

Anya gulped the last of her wine before putting the glass down and answering her niece “I don’t see how she could forget. I mean, they were together for 5 years. They were each other’s first loves.” She glanced up over Madi’s head to make sure everyone else was out of ear shot before she continued. “And this is a secret, so don’t tell. But I think your mother still carries a bit of a torch for Clarke Griffin. Love like theirs never dies completely.”

On that final note, Anya stood and grabbed her plates and headed into the kitchen to assist with the dishes, and refill her wine.

 

Later that night, situated back at their home, Lexa and Madi were cuddled up on the sofa, having just completed their tradition of watching Charlie Brown Thanksgiving together, when Madi decided to broach the topic of Clarke, yet again. “Aunt Anya said Clarke was your first love?”

Exasperated, Lexa sighed and leaned back against the couch. She had hoped this conversation would have ended back at her parents’ house, but she should have known better. Clarke was her daughter’s idol after all, so there was no way Madi would drop the subject. There was nothing left to do but just answer her daughter’s questions.

“Honey. We just. We went to school together. Okay?”

“Aunt Anya said that you still love her.”

At this, Lexa became annoyed. How dare her sister tell Madi something like that. There may be a kernel of truth to that statement, but it was not something that should be disclosed to Lexa’s 7 year-old daughter.

“Your Aunt Anya is a brat, who knows nothing about love.”

“But you did love her?” Madi persisted.

Lexa stammered for a moment, thinking about how to delicately word this to her daughter, whose other mother was gone. But, there really was no way Lexa could ever deny her feelings for Clarke, so she just decided to be honest.

“I….. I did. You know, everyone has their first love. And it’s a very special thing. Clarke was mine.”

“Do you think Clarke loved you too?” wondered Madi.

Lexa thought for a moment. Her mind wondered back to all those kisses and whispered promises.

“Yeah, I would like to think so. See falling in love is confusing and exciting all at the same time. One day in the VERY DISTANT future, you will fall in love too. Then you will see.”

“I think love is the best thing that can happen to a person”

Lexa smiled. It looks like her daughter was already a romantic. “Well it is. And I was lucky enough to find it twice. First with Clarke, and then with your mommy.”

“How young were you? Like when does love start?”

Lexa chuckled. She was not sure she was ready for this conversation.

“Well monkey, for me, it started when I was 15. Aunt Anya used to let me ride with her to school, but that meant arriving late almost every day. One day, we were extra tardy, and I was rushing through the hallway to make it to homeroom when I ran straight into Clarke Griffin who had only recently moved to Polis and was starting her first day at our school. I knocked her over and scattered her papers everywhere. I was still a little distracted, but I apologized and started to help her gather her things. Then I looked up, caught her eyes, and I was mesmerized. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.”

Lexa’s story was halted by the clearing of a throat next to her. She looked down to her daughter’s raised eyebrow, and then corrected herself “Well, uh, besides your mommy... and YOU of course.”

Madi nodded approvingly, and Lexa continued with her story.

“Anyway, I got so nervous and flustered, that instead of handing Clarke back her things, I just said ‘I’m sorry. I’m late’ and I dropped everything on the floor again and ran on to my class. After that I was so embarrassed, that I didn’t talk to Clarke again for almost a whole year. I admired her from a far, but never had the courage to talk to her, or even apologize for my weird and rude behavior when we first met. Clarke on the other hand, quickly made friends and soon was one of the most popular girls in school. I was fairly certain I would never stand a chance with her.”

“Aww poor Mama. But how did you finally become girlfriends?” Madi eagerly pestered her mother to get to the good part.

“Well. Sophomore year came around. I was on the varsity soccer team, and Clarke was a cheerleader. Typically, cheerleaders don’t cheer for girls’ soccer, but we made it to the State Championship that year, so the whole school rallied behind us. All the cheerleaders were assigned to decorate a soccer player’s locker. Apparently, Clarke was assigned to me. The first day of the tournament, I showed up to school and my whole locker was decorated in pink. Ribbons and balloons and glitter, the works. It was kind of extra, but you could tell she put a lot of work into it. Clarke was waiting for me by the locker with a sash. She put it on me and asked me what I thought of her decorating.”

Here, Lexa paused for a moment, lost in her memories of that day with Clarke, and how stupid she had been.

“Well… what did you say Mama?”

Lexa began to laugh and replied to her daughter “Well, I was surprised, and very nervous, and all I said was ‘I hate pink.’”

“NO!” Madi cried.

Lexa continued to laugh. “Yep. Well Clarke looked furious. She had this insanely psychotic look on her face, with one eye bulging and the other twitching. Trust me, it was hideous. Then she slammed the locker shut, turned on her heel and stomped down the hallway without another word.”

“How did you fix it?” Madi was practically standing on the couch now, frantically demanding answers.

Lexa held out her hands, motioning for her daughter to calm down. “I’m getting there, I’m getting there. I felt awful. I just knew Clarke hated me at this point. But I went out, and played in our game that night and we won. So, two days later, we had our next game. I walked into school, and there was Clarke again. Standing by my locker with her hands on her hips and a frown on her face. When I walked up to her, I noticed that she had decorated my locker in all black this time. I looked at her and she said ‘I went with black, to match your heart.’ I still couldn’t think of anything to say. I just looked at this beautiful girl who clearly hated me. She kept starring back at me, and the she motioned to the locker and asked me if I was going to open it. So, I did. And as soon as I opened the locker door, I was hit with a bomb of bright pink confetti. I looked back towards Clarke and she smirked and said ‘And THAT is because you are an assho…..” Lexa paused and nervously glanced at her daughter before revising her ex’s words slightly. “a… meany”

Madi’s began laughing hysterically imagining her Mama covered in pink glitter and confetti. “What did you do then Mama?”

Lexa couldn’t stop smiling as she answered “I turned to Clarke, and just yelled ‘Do you want to go to the movies with me sometime?’ I YELLED it at her. I don’t think I have ever seen her look more surprised than she was in that moment. She just gaped at me and asked what I was talking about. So, I gathered all my courage and asked her again if she would go to the movies with me, on a DATE. And Clarke just looked back at me. Then she chuckled and smiled, shaking her head. She said ‘What a weirdo’ and turned and walked away laughing all the way down the hallway. That was it. She didn’t say anything else. I didn’t know what to do. I spent that whole day freaking out. I was wondering if I somehow hallucinated the whole thing. We had our game that night and we won again. The next day was the championship. I showed up at school and Clarke wasn’t at my locker and from the beginning of the hallway, it didn’t look decorated at all. I was disappointed. I was convinced she hated me and thought I was a freak. But as I got closer to my locker, I noticed that it was decorated. There was a small white star cut out in the center of my locker, and written in the middle was just the word YES. And that was it. That night I scored the winning goal to make my team state champions and that weekend I went on my first date with Clarke.”

At the conclusion of her story, Lexa looked over a Madi who was laying on the couch staring dreamily up at the ceiling. “Wow. Mama. That is SO romantic. So what happened after that? Why did you break up?”

Lexa shook her head at her daughter “Nope, that’s a story for another time, monkey. Besides, it’s getting late and you, my dear, need to get up into bed. Let’s go” She grabbed her daughter, who started giggling as Lexa lifted her over her shoulder and took her up the stairs to her bedroom.

Now laying in bed, Madi looked up at her mother who was tucking her in. “Hey Mama, was Clarke’s voice always so beautiful? Even when she was young?”

Lexa looked fondly at her daughter, before kissing her forehead and replying softly “Everything about Clarke was beautiful. Now go to sleep monkey. I love you” Lexa backed away from the bed, flipping on the night light and exiting her daughter’s room.

In that moment Madi made up her mind. She had a mission, and she would need some help. So instead of sleeping, she grabbed her small phone from the nightstand and texted one of the six people she was allowed contact from her mobile.

 **Madi (9:02p)** : I need ur help.

 **Aden (9:02p)** : Anything cuz. What can I do?

 **Madi (9:03p)** : U have 2 help me go 2 city next week. Need 2 c Clarke Griffin.

Shortly after that, her phone buzzed with an incoming call from Aden. She answered quickly so the noise wouldn’t be heard by her Mama.

“Hi!”

“What do you mean you have to go to the city next week? That’s crazy. Even if I could get you to the city, you wouldn’t be able to find Clarke Griffin.”

“I can too Aden! She is going to be at that comic thing next weekend for her new movie.”

“Okay, I may have heard about that too. But that doesn’t mean you will be able to get in to see her.”

“I can! I’m small and cute and Aunt Anya says that if I pout and I can get whatever I want. I just need your help.”

That night the two cousins spoke on the phone for twenty minutes, together hatching a plan to get Lexa back together with one of the biggest stars on the planet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The songs I used were: "Make it Through" by Tyronne Wells and "Heartbeat Song" by Kelly Clarkson.


	2. Chapter 2

The following Friday was the day to finally put their plan into action. It was the day that Clarke Griffin was slated to make an appearance at the local comic convention to sign autographs and talk about her movie that was set to be released that summer. The plan Madi had concocted with Aden was slightly complicated, but so far had gone off without a hitch. That morning had been like most others. Her Mama had driven her down the street to the bus stop and waited there until the bus arrived to collect Madi for school. The girl sweetly kissed Lexa on the cheek, before she jumped out of the car and raced off to the bus. Madi took the bus to school like normal, but instead of going inside the building, she peeled off from her friends and headed towards the playground, where she climbed up into the pirate ship structure and hid until school started.

Several miles away, Aden was also waiting at a bus stop. Not his own middle school bus stop, but the stop that picked up the high school kids. That is where he found Sara Lance, the rebellious older sister to Aden’s best friend, Nate. After careful negotiation and for the low price of $20, Sara, was persuaded to call both Aden and Madi’s respective schools, claiming to be Ms Woods, and excuse the kids from class due to illness. After that Aden simply had to call an Uber to pick him up, stop and grab Madi at her school, and then they were off to the city.  

Once the cousins arrived at the convention center, step two of their master plan was enacted. After pulling together all their money, plus asking for an advance on allowance, and maybe swiping a few extra bucks from their moms’ wallets (which they made a vow to pay back as soon as possible), Aden and Madi could only scrounge up enough money to afford one pass into the convention. Aden put the pass around his neck and walked through the convention doors, staying close to the entrance so he could keep an eye on his little cousin as she worked her charm on the guard.

Outside, Madi walked up to the biggest security man she could find and pulled on the bottom of his coat.

“Hey mister, my parents just walked inside but my dad has my badge, so can I go…”

Interrupting her story, the guard smiled and opened the door for her. “Go on ahead in honey. Better hurry and catch up to your parents. Don’t want to get lost. If you don’t see them, let me know and I will help you.”

“Oh, okay. Thanks!” Madi stammered out, shocked at how easily she was allowed inside the venue. She walked over to meet Aden who was equally surprised.

“Wow. That was easy.” He commented. “We had a whole backstory and everything.”

Madi just shrugged. “Huh” remarked Aden, “Guess a 7-year old girl isn’t much of a threat. Alright, let’s go.”

The two Woods kids headed inside the convention center and were in awe of what they walked into. The place was packed wall to wall with people. Aden grabbed his cousin’s hand immediately. “Hey Mads, don’t let go of my hand okay.” She nodded in reply and held on tighter. They walked around the stalls for an hour or so, taking in all the costumes, and artwork and cool action figures that apparently were NOT meant to be played with, before an announcement came over the speakers saying Clarke Griffin and the cast of _Escape the Ark_ were now signing autographs at booth A from 11a-12p.

“This is it!” exclaimed Madi. “After today, Clarke and Mama will be back together again, and I will probably get to go to all of her concerts for free!”

“Sure Mads” Aden put on his best fake smile, not wanting to stifle his cousin’s enthusiasm. He had his doubts as to how well this plan would work, but he wanted to help Madi try regardless. He checked the map and started leading Madi across the convention center to the location of the signing. Madi was so excited that she began singing one of Clarke’s songs as they walked.

The top down in the summer sun  
The day we met was like a hit and run  
And I still taste it on my tongue (taste it on my tongue)  
The sky was burning up like fireworks  
You made me want you oh so bad it hurt  
But girl, in case you haven't heard

I used to be love drunk  
But now I'm hungover  
I'll love you forever  
Forever is over  
We used to kiss all night  
Now it's just a bar fight  
So don't call me crying  
Say hello to goodbye

Madi’s singing was cut off when she slammed into the back of Aden who had abruptly stopped mid stride. Ahead of the pair was the longest line they had ever seen. It seemed like hundreds of people were blocking their path to the mega star, who they could barely make out, sitting at a table over fifty yards away.

Aden looked at the line and grimaced before he admitted “I’m not sure we planned the timing out right. Apparently, a lot of people wanted to see Clarke Griffin.”

Minutes dragged on with the line barely even moving. Aden kept lifting up on his tiptoes to see if they were making progress, but it seemed as though they had a hardly moved. He looked down at his cousin and frowned. His doubts on the success of their plan had now doubled.

“Mads, I’m not sure we are going to meet her. This line is really long and it’s not moving.”

“We will, don’t worry”

“You seem pretty certain.”

“I am.”

“Well, how do you know?”

Madi looked up at him, straight in the eyes and answered “Because it’s meant to be. The magazine at the store said that Clarke broke up with her boyfriend. That’s just in time for her to be here and date Mama again. It’s destiny at work!”

Aden grinned. “Guess I can’t argue with that.” Madi smirked, proud of herself for convincing him.

“You know Mads, I think you are a romantic. My mom says that Aunt Lexa is a romantic too. You must take after her.”

Madi didn’t respond but her smile grew. She loved her Mama and was happy to learn that they had something in common.

Time continued to tick by as the cousins silently stood in line, only moving forward a few inches every five minutes. Panic did set in, however, as the announcer came on to say that Clarke would only be available for fifteen more minutes. Madi’s lip started to quiver. They had worked so hard and come so far, and now it looked like they wouldn’t make it to the front of the line before Clarke left. Aden refused to let his cousin down. He thought over his options for a moment before coming up with an idea. He lifted his eyes up and softly spoke “Aunt Costia, don’t get mad at me. We are doing this for Aunt Lexa. I promised I would look out for her.”

Aden then bent down so he was eye level with Madi. “Mads, I have an idea. Don’t get upset, just go along with everything I say okay?”

Madi wiped the tears from her eyes and nodded, following Aden as he pulled her from the line and started walking up closer to the booth. “What are you going to do Aden?”

“I saw Aunt Costia do something like this once, the time we went horseback riding but the guy said you were too young to ride on a big horse. My mom said it’s called, ‘pulling the cancer card.’ Sometimes bad things happen to good people and it’s not fair, but you have to make the best of it and use what you have to your advantage. Come on. It’s time to chase destiny”

Aden stopped in front of a man and women, who looked to be in their mid-twenties. The guy had shaggy hair stuffed up under a beanie. He was wearing an “Escape the Ark” tee-shirt and holding a Variety magazine with Clarke on the cover. The woman had long red hair and dark frame glasses. She was clutching a new, limited edition movie poster. Aden decided that she would be his target. He cleared his throat, and put on his “good young man” smile before speaking up.

“Excuse me” The couple turned, giving him their attention. He looked right into the redhead’s eyes and continued. “I’m sorry to bother you, but can you please help me out? My little cousin here really wants to meet Clarke Griffin. We have been waiting in line since the booth opened, but we are worried that we won’t make it up to see her before she leaves.”

At that moment, Aden’s speech was interrupted by another announcement over the speaker, saying Clarke Griffin would only be available for five more minutes. The couple, who had raised their heads to listen to the announcement, turned back to Aden. He took that as his cue to continue.

“And see, Madi really needs to get her CD signed. It was her mom’s favorite CD, and they used to listen to it together all the time… in the hospital.” At this the man’s eyes narrowed, but the woman’s mouth dropped open in concern. Aden went on.

“My Aunt Costia had cancer real bad, but listening to Clarke’s music always made her feel better. But then she died.” Upon hearing this, the man uncomfortably adjusted his beanie and looked around, avoiding eye contact with the kids, while his female companion gasped, and covered her mouth with her hand.

“Now Madi just wants to say hi to Clarke, and get the CD signed, and thank her for making Aunt Costia smile, before she died.”

“Please” Madi begged, batting her eyelashes as icing on the cake. The man coughed and started shaking his head to decline, but he was immediately interrupted by the redhead who elbowed him in the stomach. “Of course you kids can go ahead of us in line.” She looked down to Madi “You are a brave little girl sweetie, and I bet your mommy would be very proud of you.”

Madi nervously let out a small chuckle, gave her thanks and moved ahead of the pair in the line. She nudged Aden and whispered, “I don’t know how I feel about what we just did.”

“Well, you can tell me how you feel after you meet Clarke Griffin” he responded looking up to the security guard who beckoned them forward, “cause it looks like we are next.” As they walked up the four short steps to the top of the platform, Madi swore she heard Aden mumble “and I’m pretty sure MY mom would be proud of me.”

Once on the platform, a young woman handed the two a small flyer that looked like a poster for _Escape the Ark_. Before they could reach Clarke at the end of the table, they moved along the line of the film’s other stars, all holding sharpies and ready to sign autographs.

First was Finn Collins. He snatched the flyer from Madi’s hands and hurriedly signed, without saying a word, before sliding it back, and looking over to the next people in line, eyeing the redhead up and down.

Next were a few actors who neither of them recognized, before coming face to face with Lincoln Crew, who Madi didn’t know, but whom Aden idolized.

Lincoln smiled broadly at both kids, while asking their names and signing the flyer. Aden proudly announced that he followed Lincoln’s workout regime from his Insta stories, and was planning to become buff just like the star. Lincoln stood up and high fived Aden before wishing him luck.

They moved on to Octavia Blake next. She also smiled warmly at both kids while adding her signature to the already crowded poster. She looked up at Madi and complimented her nail polish. Madi blushed and whispered a quiet “Thank you.” Octavia then turned her attention towards Aden, who she called a “handsome dude” while winking. Aden grinned, standing up a bit straighter and puffed out his chest before announcing “I’m still single” to which Octavia barked out a surprised laugh and replied “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Sitting next to her Lincoln perked up and good naturedly told Aden “watch yourself bud. She’s NOT single. Now move along” he finished, shaking his head and chuckling.

Aden tried to move forward but it seemed Madi had stopped. The next person sitting at the table was Clarke Griffin. They were finally in front of her, and Madi was frozen. Aden tried to nudge Madi forward as he noticed a short dark-haired woman appear behind Clarke, bending down to the blonde’s ear and saying “It’s time to go Clarkey.”

Clarke tilted her head slightly towards the brunette and responded “Okay, just let me finish up with these two kids first. Do you see this little girl. She’s freaking adorable.”

It was then that the two women both turned their eyes towards Madi, who still had not moved or said a word. Clarke decided to speak up, and help the little girl out.

“Hey sweetie. Thanks for coming out today. What’s your name?”

Madi opened her mouth but no words came out. Aden gave her another nudge urging her to speak, but nothing happened.

The dark-haired woman behind Clarke leaned forward, hands on the table, eyes examining both kids. Out of the side of her mouth she loudly ‘whispered’ to Clarke, “Maybe they don’t speak English” before turning her attention back to the kids and yelling “Hola tiny humans. Puedes hablar? Uh….. êtes-vous sourd?” Still no response from either kid, although they were both looking at the brunette with confused expressions.

“hmmm… how about, Guten tag… uh little people?”

Clarke quickly elbowed her assistant in the leg. “Raven stop it!” She smiled back at both kids and tried again “Do you want me to sign something?”

Madi just looked down at her CD and then up at Clarke again. Now she understood her mother’s story a little bit better. Clarke must have an effect on the Woods women, because Madi could not get her stupid voice to work. Her hands started to shake as she looks towards Aden for help.

Ever the heroic cousin, Aden grabbed the CD from Madi and thrust it towards Clarke. “Can you please sign her CD? Her name is Madi. You are her favorite celebrity.”

Clarke breathed out a sigh of relief, when finally, one of the kids spoke and gave her something to work with. She took the CD and wrote a short note, then slide it across the table back to the adorable little girl. “Here you go. Thanks so much for being a fan!” Raven was grinning as she continued to look back and forth between the two kids before asking “Would you like me to take a picture of this incredibly awkward moment?”

Madi pouted, looking at Raven and answered “I… I don’t. My, my phone doesn’t have a camera.” Okay, apparently her voice could work as long as she was not speaking directly to Clarke. This was improvement.

Raven mock pouted back at the little girl “Aww… same thing happened to me when I met Angie. Don’t worry. I mean, you’ll cry, but….” she sighed,  “life goes on.”

From her seat Clarke chuckled and rolled her eyes as she signed the boy’s flyer. “Don’t listen to her.” She slid the flyer back over to the other side of the table and looked expectantly at the kids, to see if they wanted to say anything else. But they both just looked at her blankly.

“Okaaaay. Well. Thanks again for coming out. Happy Holidays. Bye” She smiled at the boy and waved at the little girl, Madi, as they both slowly stepped back from the table.

Raven was leaning over Clarke again and poking her in the arm. “Clarkey, I want you to know how uncomfortable that interaction made me. You really need to work on your child skills. But that’s for later.” She grabbed Clarke’s arm, hauling her out of the chair. “For now, it’s time to goooo.”

“Fine, okay. Let’s go” Clarke stood up from her seat and grabbed her bag off the floor. She turned to follow Raven down the stairs towards the exit, when she heard a small voice shout her name.

“Clarke, wait!”

Clarke looked over in time to see the blur of the small little girl from a moment ago. She was pushing off the boy as she ran up to singer, stood in front of her in a panic before blurting out “My name is Madi Woods. My mom is Lexa Woods” Clarke’s mouth dropped open as the little girl continued, “She was your high school sweetheart. I think she still carries a porch for you.”

Clarke narrowed her eyes in confusion.

“torch, it’s torch” Aden whispered from behind Madi.

“TORCH, she still carries a torch for you. I don’t know what that means, but that’s what Aunt Anya told me.”

Now it was Clarke’s turn to freeze. She opened and shut her mouth and swallowed. Raven, with wide eyes and a stupid grin on her face leaned over to her boss and commented “I bet you were not expecting that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is "Love Drunk" by Boys Like Girls.


	3. Chapter 3

“I bet you were not expecting that.”

Nope, Clarke had not been expecting this at all. Up until this point, Clarke had been having a fairly average day.

She had woken up a 6am, grumpy, like she always was when she had to get up any time before nine. After downing a cup of coffee, she headed to her hotel’s gym and ran on the treadmill for exactly the length of time it took her to watch one episode of _Killing Eve_. Then she trudged back up to her hotel room to shower. When she emerged from the shower, she was greeted by her assistant, Raven Reyes, who was waiting for her with more coffee and a fruit plate.

“Brought up your breakfast” Raven had announced, mouth full, and motioning over to the fruit plate with her hand clamped around a half-eaten glazed donut.  She was plopped down on a plushy armchair, legs dangling over the side, scrolling through her phone. Donning a silk robe and a towel wrapped around her head, Clarke sat at the table pecking through the fruit and glaring at a piece of honeydew as though it had personally attacked her.

“You know Ray, just once, it might be fun if I get the delicious, perfectly glazed donut, and YOU have to eat the shitty fruit plate.” Clarke muttered shooting daggers at her assistant, before looking back down at her plate. “Who the hell puts this much honeydew in a fruit plate?!?! Nobody likes honeydew. It’s the ugly step cousin of cantaloupe!” Raven just snickered, having heard this tirade from Clarke before. “Seriously Ray! This is supposed to be a nice hotel. You order a fruit plate for $12 and it’s filled with the fruit equivalent of yellow starburst! It’s bullshit!”

“Yep, you are absolutely right.” Raven was still scrolling through her phone and not even glancing up to look at her boss. “Honeydew is the devil’s excrement, Clarkey. Do you want me to write a strongly worded letter to Paris Hilton about the fruit ratio on the breakfast menu?”

Her question was met with silence. When Raven did finally detach her eyes from her phone she was met with, what she called, ‘Clarke’s Psycho Stare.’ This is a common look Clarke got when she was annoyed and tired. Her left eye would bug out wide while her right eye narrowed and twitched. Her lips would tightly scrunch up and purse together. It was truly terrifying, and also pretty impressive that such a beautiful woman could contort her face into such an ugly expression.

Raven dropped her phone and slowly put up her hands in surrender. “Whoa now Clarke. Just stay calm okay?” She moved to sit up straight in the chair so she could be better prepared for whatever onslaught was coming.

“Give me the rest of that fucking donut Ray.” The words escaped Clarke’s mouth so quickly and softly, that Raven almost missed it.

“What?” Raven looked at the c-shaped donut left in her hand, the back to Clarke “No, this is mine. Will power girl! You have to have will power! You are in trai… ahhhhhh”

Before she could finish her sentence, Clarke had launched herself off her chair and across the room. She grabbed Raven’s hand with the donut and tried to bring it towards her open mouth. “I want the donut!”

Raven yelped and pulled her arm back. She used her free wrist to try and flick the donut back towards her mouth. She of course was unsuccessful and the glazed delight simply smacked her in the face, before dropping down to her chest. Raven tried to sit up and push Clarke away, but that plan just got them tangled up together before they tumbled to the floor and their prize rolled under the chair.

And that’s how America’s sweetheart was discovered by her hair and makeup team when they arrived at her hotel suite; on the floor, wrestling with her assistant and yelling something about glaze and fruit.

After her morning freak out, Clarke sat in the chair for two hours like a Barbie, while the two person hair and makeup team worked her over. She was teased, plucked, painted and more before their creation was finally complete. Heading over to her suitcase, Clarke perused her options for today’s wardrobe. Since she was only appearing at comic-con, Clarke had decided to go a bit more casual. She chose to wear her tight black leather pants, paired with a white v-neck top with black lining in the front. The she grabbed black stiletto shoes, and a black blouse jacket with beaded zig-zag design all across the arms and back. This was Clarke’s favorite type of look; sexy, accentuating her ample cleavage, but still fairly comfortable.

It was a fifteen-minute ride from her hotel to the convention center. Once she arrived, she was quickly whisked inside to a large green room where she was greeted by the rest of the cast from her new film.

“Clarke! You made it” Before she had taken five steps inside the room, Clarke found herself enveloped in Octavia Blake’s iron grip. The two friends had not seen each other in 3 months, since filming wrapped on _Escape the Ark_.

“I want you to know that THIS is how much I value our friendship.” Clarke pulled back from the hug to look at Octavia with her sternest expression. “I am only here because I knew you would be here! I have crazy rehearsals for the Christmas Eve concert, but when my publicist mentioned the rest of the cast agreed to participate, I moved around my schedule just to fit in quality time with you.”

“As you should Princess!” Octavia gave Clarke a slight push on her shoulders. “I mean, if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have this busy schedule at all.”

“Preach it girl” Raven interjected as she walked past the girls to get the schedule and another cup of coffee for Clarke.

“Oh My God!” Clarke shook her head and rolled her eyes. “Must you bring this up EVERY time we see each other?”

 Octavia tilted her head back with a smug expression “Lest we forget Princess” she sang out while lifting her pointer finger in the air, “when I met you freshman year of college, you were simply a starry-eyed, small town girl; fresh to the big city. Your biggest dream was to get a role in the school’s production of Annie.”  
  
At this point, Octavia was making enough of a scene that the cast had started to gather around the girls, listening to a story they had heard several times before, mostly while drunk, after long days on set.  
  
“But, being the kind hearted gal that I am, I took this poor little baby bisexual bird under my wing. I gave you a much-needed makeover, which involved buying better bras to accentuating the ladies.” She leaned over wiggling her eyebrows and pointing back and forth between Clarke’s breasts. “I ignored all social etiquette by riffling through your things to discover that you were actually an above average song-writer. Sure, they were all love fluff poems, but it gave me something to work with.  I talked you up to my music manager brother, and facilitated your first meeting.” Clarke shook her head in amused annoyance, while Octavia continued to count down her good deeds on her hand.  “I helped you perfect your stage presence…. basically I snapped my fingers, wiggled my bum, and PRESTO.....from the lump of clay that was my hapless roommate, I molded together.... CLARKE GRIFFIN...... SUPERSTAAAAAAA!”  


On cue, the group who had gathered began clapping and cheering, while Octavia took her bows. Despite her best efforts, Clarke could not hold back her laughter. She shook her head at her friend’s antics. “Yep, O. Where would I be without you?”

For the briefest moment, Clarke’s smile faltered and her mind was invaded by flashes of piercing green eyes, and the smallest hint of a smirk coming from soft, plump lips. The memory was there for an instant and then it was gone as quick as it came.  
  
The group dispersed, and Raven handed Clarke another coffee to help her make it through the signing. Clarke mingled around, catching up with Octavia and Lincoln, who had apparently been secretly dating since filming wrapped. She made nice with everyone, chatting with the producer and director, and even giving a small wave to Finn, which was only returned with a scowl and eye roll. Shortly thereafter, the coordinator came into the room and announced it was time to head to the booth. With security flanking them left and right, the cast made their way through the convention floor and up to their platform where each member was announced to thunderous applause from the awaiting crowd.  
  
Yep.... it had been a pretty average day..... until....  
  
“I’m Madi Woods. My mother is Lexa Woods!”  


“Bet you were not expecting that”  
  
Stupefied. That would probably be the best word to describe what Clarke was feeling. As soon as the little girl started talking, Clarke felt stunned by what Madi was saying. It was as though she was in a trance or falling unconscious. She stopped processing the noise and the crowds around her. All she could see what this adorable little girl. The calmness of her trance didn’t last long. The words eventually made their way to Clarke’s ears and every new piece of information was shocking her mind, like a defibrillator to the brain.  
  
BaBoom! Her name is Madi Woods. _That’s a cute name. I used to know a girl named Woods._  
  
BaBoom!  Lexa Woods is her mother. _It can’t be the same Lexa Woods can it?_  
  
BaBoom!  My high school sweet heart. _Yep, it’s the same Lexa Woods. Holy shit. Lexa has a daughter?_  
  
BaBoom! She still carries a porch for me.   _What the hell does that mean? Is it slang? I’m so freaking old, I don’t even know the cool lingo anymore._

BaBoom!  Carries a TORCH! _Well I know that one. That’s makes sense._ _Wait, Lexa Woods carries a torch for me? What? That can’t be possible._  
  
BaBoom!  Anya said that. _Well Anya was always full of shit._ _Uh, crap this girl is still here. She is staring at me. Shit, Clarke. SAY SOMETHING!!!_  
  
Clarke swallowed hard, her head bobbing “Yeah, I know Lexa. I remember.” She plastered on her best movie star smile “Tell her I said ‘Hi’ and you know.. uh ‘happy holidays.’”  
  
This was not the reaction Madi had been looking for. Her shoulders dropped and her mouth came together forming a tiny frown. Then, without another word she turned and ran towards the exit. Aden jumped into action, throwing an awkward wave at the two women before scrambling away in pursuit of his cousin.  
  
Clarke watched them go, following their movements until they were lost into the swarm of people. Her mind was still processing what had just occurred, but the one thought she couldn’t escape was how much the little girl had looked like Lexa.  
  
It was like seeing all the features she used to adore, but in miniature form. Madi had the same chocolate brown hair with natural waves. Her eyes were the same shade of green. The little pout she threw at Clarke before running away was the spitting image of Lexa. Even the narrow nose with the tiniest bump at the end. How could she not have noticed it right away? The resemblance was undeniable. That was absolutely the daughter of Lexa Woods. And Clarke had basically just blown her off.  
  
“Clarke.... you just going to stand there like a statue, or are you going to tell me what the hell that was? And who is Lexa Woods?”  
  
The blonde’s forehead crumpled as she continued to gawk into the crowd that has swallowed up the kids. “Go get them.”  
  
“What” Raven leaned in closer, sure she had misheard.  
  
“Go get them” Clarke insisted, slightly louder.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Just go” Clarke snapped back, pointing towards the exit doors. “Bring them back to the green room.”  
  
Raven’s head titled ever so slightly but nonetheless she replied “On it, boss,” talking a deep breath, as if bracing herself before heading into battle, and then jogged off in the direction of the fleeing Woods kids.  
  
Thirty yards away, standing near the convention exit, Aden was bent over, trying to console little Madi, who was on the verge of tears. “I’m so stupid” her little fists were tightly grasping the CD and she stomped her foot in despair. “She thinks I’m crazy.”

Aden, not sure yet how exactly to comfort an upset girl, awkwardly patted her on the head. “It’s okay. Now don’t cry. At least you got to see Clarke, right? That’s still pretty cool. Even if the plan didn’t work out.”

Madi shook her head dejected. “But I wanted Mama to see her. I wanted her to have someone to love again. I hate that she is so alone.”

Aden’s mouth pulled to the side. He didn’t really know what to say to this. He didn’t want his aunt to be alone either. “She’s not alone, okay. She’s got us, and maybe we can get her on those dating sites or something. I heard someone at school say something about Tinder. That could work. And then maybe we...”

His rousing speech of encouragement was interrupted by the scuffle Raven Reyes was causing as she jogged through the sea of people, pushing aside adults whilst yelling “Madi Woods, has anyone seen tiny Madi Woods?” She spied the two kids standing by the door and cried out. “Hey Madi Woods! Stop right there!”  
  
Terrified, Aden grabbed Madi’s arm and started running out the door. “We’re in trouble. They must have found out we used the cancer card to cut in line. We gotta run Mads!”  
  
The two bolted towards the exit with Raven hot on their heels. “Hey! What? No, don’t run! STAY. STAY!!!!”  
  
Security noticed the disturbance and stepped in blocking the doors before Aden and Madi could make their escape. They were trapped, so the Woods kids put on a brave face and turned around to face their punishment.  
  
Once the out of breath assistant caught up to them, she bent over, hands on her knees, huffing and puffing.

“We’re sorry we used cancer to see Clarke.”

The apology was cut off by Raven holding up her finger, asking them to pause, while she continued to catch her breath. Madi opened her mouth, trying to ask for forgiveness “Please don’t be mad.”

Raven, with her head still down, pulling in oxygen, waved her hand in the air motioning for her to stop talking. Both kids shut their mouths and waited. After a silent twenty seconds, Raven finally looked up, eyes fixed on the nervous youngsters.

“Kids,” she spoke slowly and deliberately, eyeing both children “listen very closely,” she motioned to her shoes “these are stiletto heels,” then moving up and gesturing to her arms “and this is a Prada leather jacket. They are not meant for SPRINTING!”

Aden and Madi looked at each other, befuddled. “We are sorry Miss. We thought we were in trouble,” offered Aden in explanation. “We didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Raven straightened back up and pulled down the arms of her jacket, brushing herself off. “Please. The only thing hurt here is my fragile ego.” Tilting her head to the side and huffing, she added under her breath “Clearly those spinning classes are not helping my stamina. Probably should have given Clarke the donut too.”  
  
Raven continued to readjust her outfit and mumble for so long that Aden began to wonder if she had forgotten they were standing there. Finally, she looked down at them expectantly “Well, come on. Don’t just stand there.” She motioned for them to follow her. “Someone wants to see you. Also, we are going to need to circle back to whatever you said about using cancer to see Clarke. I need more details, but I think I’m going to be impressed.”  
  
Seeing no other option than to do as told, Aden grabbed Madi’s hand again and followed the weird Latina through the convention center and past the “No Entry” doors, until they stopped in a large room with couches and a long table overflowing with delicious looking snacks.

Raven observed the two children walking up to the snack table. Right in front of their eyes was a plethora of appealing looking sandwiches, bagels, sodas, candy, chocolates, and cakes. Their wide eyes took in the laid-out feast, but neither child made a move to take anything.

Rolling her eyes, Raven motioned to the table. “Help yourselves. This isn’t Oliver Twist” While they did not understand the reference, the kids wasted no time grabbing plates and going directly for the sweets.

They had time to shove a few delights into their mouths before the door opened, and Clarke Griffin, tentatively stepped into the room. As she approached the kids, she was cracking her knuckles and fidgeting with her fingers. When she looked at Madi, her lips began to turn up. This time the smile was real.

“Hello again.” Aden and Madi gulped down the food in their mouths and nervously put the plates down. “Please keep eating.”

“That won’t be a problem,” Raven muttered. “Little savages took all the good stuff.”

Clarke turned to her friend with a terse expression. “Hey Ray, why don’t you go get us some hot chocolate or something.” Her head nodded towards the door in suggestion.

“Ugh, fiiine” Raven gave the stink eye. “Why do I always miss out on the good drama?” She sauntered off and out the door.

Now alone, Clarke turned her attention back to the kids, determined to make a better impression this time. “Sorry about her. She can be a little sarcastic at times, but she means well.”

Madi just shrugged.

“So it’s Madi right?” The little girl nodded her head. Clarke then moved her eyes to the older boy. “And you are…..?”

“Aden Woods, her cousin.”

“Oh, wow. So you are Anya’s son?” Aden’s mouth dropped open. He shifted on his toes and bounced slightly. “Yeah, she’s my mom!”

“Cool, cool.” Clarke’s head bobbed up and down. “I actually met you once. When you were just a brand new baby.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“That’s awesome!”

“Uh huh” Clarke bit her lip, struggling with what to say next. Her eyes locked back onto Madi and she just breathed out a laugh. “Wow. You look so much like your Mom. It’s weird.”

Madi positively beamed.

“Speaking of,” Clarke continued, “Does she know you are here?”

Madi grimaced. “Not exactly.” Clarke’s eyes narrowed and she looked towards Aden. “Does Anya know?” Aden shook his head. Clarke became suspicious, eyes flicking back and forth between the two. “Well.. what about… um.. your other mother or parent?” She had a hunch of who Madi’s other mother was, but didn’t want to make any assumptions.

Madi’s smile faltered and morphed into a sad frown. “She died four years ago. When I was real little.”

A small gasp escaped from Clarke’s mouth. “Costia?” she whispered. Both the kids nodded and looked down at their feet. The blonde felt her heart break a little. Years ago, she had heard through the grapevine that Lexa and Costia had gotten engaged. When it happened, Clarke was distraught. At the time, she hadn’t spoken to Lexa in almost three years, but in her heart, she had always thought they could have reunited. To learn that Lexa was now preparing to get married to Costia Green; a girl who Clarke knew first hand to be smart, gorgeous, considerate, and funny, was too much to bare. She had so many nasty thoughts about the two of them, and how they betrayed her. The devil in her wondered if maybe Lexa and Costia had been together all along, deceiving her behind her back. Rationally she knew it wasn’t true, but jealousy and heartbreak consumed her in those days. And years ago, in her darker moments, she had wished horrible things upon them. But never this. She would never have wanted Lexa to experience this kind of pain. And it certainly was not fair to this darling child. Life really does suck sometimes.

“I’m really sorry to hear that Madi.” She gave the girl a rub on her arm. “I lost my Dad when I was young too. And it made me sad for a long long time.”

Madi sniffled and rubbed her nose. She didn’t want to cry in front of Clarke.

“You know,” Clarke added. “I knew your mom, Costia, too.”

“Really?”

“Yep. She was very beautiful, and she was one of the nicest girls I have ever met.” Madi’s smile widened across her face. “And I bet she is watching over you, and she must be very proud, because you seem like a great girl.” At this point, Madi was vibrating with happiness. She wrapped her tiny arms around Clarke in the strongest hug she could manage. The gesture made the singer’s heart warm, and she returned the hug with a pat on the girl’s back.

Aden was pleased with the outcome of this meeting and wanted to let Clarke know how thankful he was. “You are pretty cool Clarke. Your music has always been a little too girly for me, but I promise to buy all your songs now.”

The singer exploded in laughter and opened up her arms to offer Aden a hug too, which he readily embraced. “Thanks bud. I appreciate that.”

As Aden stepped back, he glanced up at the clock and noticed the late time. “We better be going Madi. We don’t want to get home late.”

Clarke thought for a moment before inquiring, “How are you both getting home?”

Aden whipped out his phone. “We will call an uber.”

The blonde did not like this idea. These kids seemed a little too young to be taking a random uber all the way back to Polis by themselves. She pulled out her own phone to text Raven.

“No, let me have my driver take you guys back. That will be safer.” She finished the message to Raven and returned her phone to her back pocket. “Thank you both so much for coming to visit me.” Clarke opened her arms for one final hug and both kids stepped in. She squeezed them tightly, savoring the moment. She was growing pretty fond of Aden and Madi Woods.

“This has honestly been a very big pleasure. I’m so happy I got to meet you both.” She focused in on Madi before adding “Make sure to tell your mom that Sky Girl says ‘Hi’” adding with a whisper “little inside joke. She’ll know what it means.”

Madi’s smile seemed to engulf her entire face. She vowed to relay this secret message back to her Mama. She would not forget. As Clarke slowly backed away, Madi shouted after her “You’re my favorite singer!”

“Thanks” Clarke gave a wave and turned to leave, but Madi wasn’t done. “I just think your voice is so beautiful. My Mama agrees. She said everything about you is beautiful!”

This information stopped Clarke in her tracks. Her heart skipped a beat and then began pounding in her chest. She spun around. “When did she say that?”

Madi eagerly responded “Last week!”

Clarke’s mind was racing. The little girl’s assertion from earlier flew through her brain. _Still carries a torch for you_. She bit her lip and began pondering possible scenarios for how the rest of her day could go. Eventually, she settled on a course of action.

With a twinkle in her eye she asked, “How would you guys like to have some company on the ride back to Polis?”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to thank everyone for all the comments and kudos. I may not reply to everything, but I am reading them and the support means the world to me. THANK YOU!!!

So far, Lexa Woods had been having a pretty average day. Her morning routine commenced with the shrill beeping of her alarm at 5:30am sharp. After making her bed, brushing her teeth and throwing on some yoga pants and a sports bra, she stopped to check in on a still-sleeping Madi before heading down to the basement which she had remodeled into a home gym. She ran three miles on her treadmill before spending the next thirty minutes demolishing her hanging punching bag. Then it was on to the free weights before finishing up with a twenty-minute meditation.

After her workout, Lexa returned to the second floor of her home to gently rouse her daughter. Madi was not quite the morning person her mother was, but after years of strict programming, she could be counted on to stay awake, make her bed, and pick out her clothes for school without supervision. After a quick shower, Lexa put on her work clothes, which had been chosen and laid out the night before. She worked some product into her wet hair, slapped on a bit of makeup and headed downstairs to meet her daughter in the kitchen. Lexa made quick work of breakfast. Options were limited due to her utter inability to cook an edible meal, but she usually managed to pull together something along the lines of cereal, instant oatmeal, a bagel, or fruit. Mother and daughter quickly ate breakfast together, then Madi was responsible for dishes while Lexa made tea and pulled out her daughter’s lunch money.

By 8:30a both Woods women were out the door and headed to the bus stop. It was a short wait before the old yellow bus rambled up to the corner, and Madi was shuttled off to school, as Lexa maneuvered her car towards the highway to head into the office.  
  
At 9am, the owner and lead attorney for Woods Law Firm stepped off the elevator and through the glass doors of her office in downtown Polis. Lexa’s firm occupied the top floor of a modest six story office building in the central part of the city. She oversaw six employees, including two other lawyers, three paralegals (one of whom was her own sister), and a receptionist.  
  
The attorney offered a quick “Hello” to her receptionist, Emori, before moving past the front desk and directly into her personal office. Lexa kept her space pretty simple. She had two matching desks (one regular and one standing desk), with sandy wooden tops and dark chocolate brown bases. On each, sat a small framed photo of Madi. The far wall, opposite her desk, was comprised solely of floor to ceiling bookshelves, covered with law books and legal journals. A medium sized, light grey couch and coffee table sat in front of the books. However, in this clean but slightly bland office, one piece did stand out. Behind Lexa’s desk, hung a large 36x24 canvas, depicting a vibrantly colored blue and green painted seascape with blue clouds and waves breaking in emerald green waters. It was a piece of artwork she had been gifted for her 18th birthday. Since then, it went with her everywhere, and it was the first thing she hung up when she opened this firm.

For a Friday, the morning was rather busy. She had a new client meeting, spent several hours drafting will revisions, then had to sit in on a settlement meeting for a divorce that was rapidly turning contentious. After being forced to suffer through almost two hours of a couple bickering over who would get to keep an antique dresser and who deserved to retain the frequent flyer miles, her afternoon lunch with Anya was a welcome distraction. While the afternoon was too busy for them to leave the office, the sisters caught up over salads and soup, eating on the couch in Lexa’s office.

“What are your plans for this weekend?” Anya inquired between bites of kale and carrots.

“Madi has her last soccer game tomorrow.”

“Really? This late? It’s going to be cold.”

“October was so rainy that half of her games got cancelled. This is a make-up game. It’s the last one.  Afterwards the other parents and I are going to take them all for pizza.”

Anya raised her eyebrows as she stuck another fork full of salad in her mouth. “You have fun with that.”

Lexa glance at her out of the corner of her eye, grinning. “I think WE will have fun.”

Anya eyes instantly narrowed. “We?”

“Yes, if you recall, you promised Madi you would come to her last game. So, we look forward to seeing you there.”

Anya tossed her salad container on the table and leaned back against the couch in a huff “Ugh. I remember now. Your daughter and her damn pout. It gets me every time.”

“Ha, you’re telling me. Anyway, I may ask Mom and Dad to watch her on Sunday for a few hours. I still have some Christmas shopping to do.”

Anya shot up from her relaxed position on the couch. “Oh, that reminds me! I need to find that receipt. I bought Aden some stupid video game about post-apocalyptic warfare, and turns out it was the wrong one. Because apparently there are multiple games revolving around post-apocalyptic warfare.” Anya rolled her eyes as she pulled out her phone and began searching. “I thought I was all set until he mentioned the name again last night and I realized I had the wrong one. Now I have to find the stupid receipt so I can return it.  I think they emailed it to my junk address.”

Lexa was occupying herself by collecting the empty containers and used napkins from their lunch and disposing of them in the trash bin outside her door. She grabbed some wipes from her cabinet and went to work wiping down the coffee table, pushing aside Anya’s leftover soup and water bottle to clean everything off.

“You are so anal.”

“Whatever. So sue me for liking a clean office.”

“Watch it! One more semester to go and I will be able to sue you.”

“Yeah, yeah” Lexa rolled her eyes and tried to hide her smile. She was incredibly proud of Anya. Her older sister had always been a driven person, but when she unexpectedly found herself pregnant at the end of her junior year of college, she was forced to put her plans on hold. The guy had been a one-night stand and wanted nothing to do with the baby. Both her parents were willing to help, but they had full time jobs. So, Anya dropped out of school to raise her son. A few years later she was able to take online courses to finish her degree and get training as a paralegal. Then shortly after Lexa opened up her own firm, Anya decided that Aden was old enough that she could enroll in night classes for law school. She had been working her butt off for four and a half years, but very soon she would graduate and pass the bar. Once that happened Lexa had plans to make Anya a partner at the firm, and she couldn’t be happier for her sister’s success.

“Huh. That’s weird.” Lexa turned back to Anya who was still looking at her phone with a puzzled expression. “I have an email receipt for an uber trip today.” She looked back up to Lexa. “I didn’t take an uber to work.”

“Maybe it’s spam?” Anya’s attention returned to her phone where she opened up the email.

“Nope, it looks legit. It was $68!!!”

“Go on the app to complain.” Anya just continued to scan the email for more information.

“The pick-up looks close to my house, but the drop-of is in the city.”

“Well it has to be a mistake, just file a complaint. They usually resolve those things quickly.”

Anya was still sitting on the couch, with a pensive look on her face. Suddenly, something clicked, and her look morphed into one of rage. “That little……”

“What?”

Anya had already dialed the phone and was pressing it to her ear when she addressed Lexa. “Aden! He uses my uber account. I put him on it last year for emergencies or if he missed the bus or something when I was in class. Ugh.” She pulled the phone down from her ear pressing the end button. “He didn’t answer.”

Lexa tried to reassure her sister whose face was starting to turn red. “This is probably a random mistake. Aden is a good kid. What the hell would he be doing in the city on a Friday afternoon?”

Anya was furiously typing away on her phone now. “I don’t know but he didn’t answer my call and now he is not returning any texts.”

“An, it’s 2 o’clock, he’s still in school. He can’t text.”

“Oh yes he can! The little shit always has his phone on. He’s gotten in trouble several times for texting or playing on his phone in class.”

“Well if you are really worried, just call the school.”

“Yeah, right. I can do that.” Anya quickly scrolled through her phone, pulling up the contact for her son’s school, and hitting send.

Lexa observed as Anya paced back and forth waiting for someone to pick up the line.

“Hi, this is Anya Woods. Can you tell me if my son is in class right now? It’s Aden Woods. No, I’m just trying to track him down and wanted to be sure he was where he is supposed to be.” Silence filled the office Anya continued pacing. “What? No. I didn’t call in for him……. Well yes, obviously that is what has happened…. Okay, I need to go and track him down. Please rest assured that I will handle this…… Uh huh, yes, I appreciate the help. Goodbye.”

With an aggressive jab of her thumb, Anya ended the call and turned back to Lexa. By now the vein in her forehead was protruding.

“I’m going to kill him!”

Lexa crossed over to the other side of her desk and took a seat in front of her computer. “Try calling him again” she suggested to her sister. “Do you have a kid tracker on his phone, or even the find my iphone app?”

“Yeah I think so,” Anya distractedly responded as she pulled the phone to her ear again.

Lexa began typing on her computer. “Well give me the info and I can track his phone to find out where it is.”

Anya turned her head, with the phone still at her ear. “I think I have it written down in my wallet.” She marched out of the office as she pulled the phone back to her mouth and began her message to Aden. “ADEN, you better call me back immediately mister. I’m serious. I know you are not in school. Call me NOW!”

Lexa could hear her sister berating Aden via voicemail. She typed her login for the phone tracker website. When the site loaded, it immediately pulled up the tracking info for Madi’s phone. Lexa had used the app before when she was testing its accuracy after she gifted a cell to her daughter. She went to start a new search, but before she cleared the box, she noticed that Madi’s phone was currently moving and showing her in a location that most certainly was not that of her school. Her heart began racing and her hands shook. She looked closer and gauged that the icon was in Polis and moving. It appeared to be going in the direction of their home. Her eyes still glued to the shifting icon, she snatched up the phone and called her daughter’s number.

It rang once.

Sweat was forming on her brow.

It ran twice.

Lexa closed her eyes and took a deep shuddering breath.

It rang a third time.

She bit her lip so hard; it nearly broke the skin.

_“Hi Mama”_

A gargantuan breath was released as Lexa felt her shoulders drop.

“Madi? Where are you?”

_“I’m with Aden. We are almost back to our house.”_

“Are you okay? Is Aden okay?

_“Yeah Mama, we’re fine.”_

“Why aren’t you in school? What are you doing!?”

_“I had something very important to do Mama, so I didn’t go to school. I can tell you when you get home.”_

“Tell me now. Right now, young lady.” Lexa was quickly losing control. She leaned forward on her desk and pointed her finger to emphasizing her seriousness.

_“Mama, I’m home now and I can’t talk anymore because I have to open the door and then go to the bathroom and it’s gross to talk on the phone while going pee. I have to go. I’ll see you when you get home. Love you, bye”_

A short beep indicated that the call had ended. Lexa looked down at her phone, eyes wide and fists clenched. Her daughter had just hung up on her. She looked back to the tracking app and discovered that Madi did indeed appear to be back at their house.

Anya re-entered Lexa’s office shaking her head. “Aden didn’t answer but he texted me back saying he was at your house and Madi is with him.”

Lexa stood up and began collecting her things. “I know. I just talked to her.” She grabbed her purse and shut down the computer. “I don’t know what the hell is going on, but I’m going to find out. I’m headed back to mine now.” She moved to grab her jacket off the coat rack.

“I’m coming too. I’ll grab my stuff and be right behind you.” Anya darted out of the office again.

Lexa moved quickly. She stopped by reception and ask Emori to reschedule all her afternoon meetings and calls, and then speed-walked out the door and to the elevator bank. Lexa was determined to get home as quickly as possible and figure out what her daughter and nephew had been up to.

 

Fifteen miles away, a black SUV had just pulled up to the two-story house on Trikru Lane. Clarke had spent the ride into Polis sandwiched between a chattering Aden and Madi. Over the course of the nearly hour long drive she had learned a multitude of facts about the two kids. Both of the Woods cousins were soccer players and Lexa coached each of their teams. Madi love to read and she and her mom bought a new book every month which they read together. Aden was taking karate and was a yellow belt. Madi wanted Santa to bring her a dog for Christmas and Aden wanted a new gaming system. She was injected with so much information she was beginning to feel dizzy. Then Madi had answered the phone call. It was Lexa and she seemed upset. Through the speaker, Clarke was able to recognize the faint cadence of Lexa’s voice and it was overwhelming. She had not heard that voice in over twelve years, but just the whisper of the once familiar sound had her head swimming and heart racing.

As they pulled up to the house, Clarke snuck a peek through the window. The colonial style home was beautiful, and so very Lexa. The lawn was perfectly manicured and a stone lined path led from the street to the front door. The home was built with beautiful light gray brick accented by a dark black roof, shudders, and garage.

Madi and Aden quickly scrambled out of the car and Madi held her door open for Clarke, waiting for her to emerge from the SUV, but Clarke didn’t move. She had begun to rethink her plan of just swinging by Lexa’s house for a cup of coffee and a chat. She wrung her hands and nervously peered at the house.

“Aren’t you coming in?” Madi inquired, looking at Clarke inquisitively.

“Ah, actually. I’m not sure it’s appropriate for me to go into your house.”

Madi looked back and her home, swung her head back to Clarke with questioning eyes. “Why not? You’re my guest.”

“Yes, but it’s Lexa’s house and she may not appreciate me just showing up and welcoming myself into her home without her knowledge.”

“I think it’s okay. It’s my house too and you are my friend. And you are famous.”

Nervous laughter escaped from Clarke. “Well, being famous doesn’t give you the right to do anything you want.”

“Aunt Anya said it did.”

Clarke smiled thinking what Anya must have been preaching about for Madi to hear her say something like that. “I’m sure she was probably joking sweetie. How about you go inside, and I will wait here until your mom gets home. Okay?”

“But I wanted to show you my room.” Madi looked up at Clarke with wide eyes and a sad pout and for a moment her resolve almost wavered, but she steeled her heart and stuck to her guns. “I will look at it later; if it’s okay with your mom. For now, I will just sit here until she gets back. I promise.”

“Pinky promise?” Madi stuck out her tiny hand with her smallest finger extended out to Clarke, who grinned and latched her own pinkie in a shake with the child’s.

“Pinky promise!”

They shook pinkies and then Madi turned and skipped up the walkway and through the front door.

Clarke was left alone with her thoughts. She strummed her fingers against her arm in nervous anticipation. So many questions crossed her mind. Did Lexa look the same? Would she be upset that Clarke just showed up without notice? Did she still think about their time together? And most importantly, what had happened all those years ago, and why did she abandon their relationship, seemingly out of nowhere?

Clarke looked out through the window to make a closer inspection of the house. It was very beautiful, and exactly the kind of home she had once imagined them living in together. Right away, she could picture Lexa out in the front yard with Madi, teaching her soccer moves and running drills to advance her footwork. Imagining Lexa playing soccer, also led to Clarke thinking back to the injury, and what she now knows was the beginning of the end of their relationship.

*************************************************************************************************************

12 YEARS AGO

Clarke had been on the road for a month and it was both exhausting and exhilarating. She was opening up for a three-woman band called Ice Nation. They had a grungy pop vibe and their music was good for bars. The girls; Nia, Echo, and Ontari were several years older than Clarke and had all been on tour before. Every night before their shows, they would drink and smoke until it was time to go on stage.  After their performance, they would load out their gear, get high and have a few more drinks; forcing Clarke to drive them overnight to the next city. Typically arriving at their motel in the wee morning hours, Clarke would pass out in her room and sleep the day away. Usually she didn’t wake up until late afternoon, and she had limited free time before she had to head to the venue and start sound check. This schedule made it very hard to keep in regular contact with Lexa. Their hours were opposite. Lexa was a morning person. Then, after practicing all day, she often fell asleep early. Usually there was a small window of time for them to speak every day, but recently Clarke had been sleeping more and missing their arranged calls. Despite that, Lexa had been nothing but supportive. She never made Clarke feel guilty about their limited contact. In fact, she even encouraged Clarke to embrace the lifestyle and make the most out of her time on the road. Lexa had pointed out that Clarke was young and would only ever experience her first tour once, so she should live it up. Despite the grueling schedule, Clarke was loving the performances. She would open for Ice Nation, and the energy she got from the crowd was intoxicating. She was addicted to the feeling she got watching strangers embrace her music. When they danced and sang, it gave her a natural high, and she knew this was something she was meant to do.

Plans changed, however, when Clarke woke up at 3:30p on a bright Sunday afternoon, sluggishly grabbed her phone and noticed an alarming amount of notifications. She had four missed calls from Anya, one from Indra, and one from her own mother. She also had a number of texts, all from Anya, asking her to call immediately. Clarke was stricken with fear. This could not be good news, and the horrifying fact that she had zero missed calls or messages from Lexa herself was ringing alarm bells in her brain. Without hesitation, she dialed Anya’s number.

Her girlfriend’s sister picked up almost immediately.

_“About time blondie. I’ve been trying to reach you for hours.”_

“What’s wrong? Is Lexa okay?” Her voice cracked as she asked the question, while dreading the answer. Clarke was imagining the worst.

 _“Calm down. She’s ok.”_ Clarke let out a breath she had been holding.

_“Well, she’s not actually okay. She got hurt during her exhibition game this morning. It’s a pretty serious injury.”_

Clarke’s brow furrowed. “What happened?”

_“I don’t know all the details but she apparently collided with someone. It was a freak accident, but she has seriously damaged a ligament in her knee and there is a compound fracture in her leg.”_

Clarke let out a sob and bit her fist. She wasn’t a doctor but she knew enough to know that those injuries were serious, especially for an athlete.

“Where is she? Can I talk to her?”

_“Eh… she’s sleeping right now. She is pretty hopped up on drugs. Do you want me to try to wake her? I know she would want to speak to you.”_

“No. don’t wake her. She should sleep. So, what’s the plan. What’s happening?”

Anya sighed over the phone _. “She’s going to have to have surgery. Her leg is pretty messed up. They are expecting her to have to go through rehab. But Clarke, …”_ Anya paused. By the sound of it, Clarke could tell she was holding back tears. The silence loomed for a moment. In the back of her mind, Clarke knew what was coming. _“we talked to the doctors and did some research. With the injuries Lexa has, she likely won’t be able to play soccer competitively ever again.”_

Clarke bit her quivering lip and tears were brimming in her eyes. This would destroy Lexa. She loved soccer and had ambitions to play professionally. “I’m coming home.”

 _“No, Clarke, you don’t need to do that”_ Anya interrupted on the other end of the line.

“Yes, Anya. I am going to get the next flight I can.”

_“Listen, Clarke, Lex wouldn’t want you to screw up the tour. She was adamant that she didn’t want…_

“Anya!” Clarke interrupted harshly. “I’m coming home. I’m booking the next flight. This is not up for debate. I WILL be there when Lexa has surgery. I’m hanging up now to make arrangements, but please text me when Lexa wakes up, or have her call me if she can, okay?”

_“Ok, Clarke. See you soon.”_

Clarke ended the call and jumped into action. She looked up flights on her laptop and found one leaving in four hours with an open seat. The cost was very high on such a last-minute ticket, but she booked it without a second thought. Her next task would be a bit more difficult. She threw on some clothes and opened her door. Immediately she was blinded by the afternoon light. Cringing she walked outside and made her way down the outdoor hallway to a room three doors down. Tentatively, she gave a quick knock. After waiting for a minute with no reply, she knocked again, this time harder. She could hear some grumbling and a crash from inside the room. Several moments later the door was yanked open by an annoyed looking Nia Queen.

“What the fuck do you want Griffin?” Nia held up her hand, blocking the sunlight from her face and looked at Clarke expectantly.

“Nia. I’m leaving.” Clarke decided it was best to just rush out the explanation. “My girlfriend was injured and needs surgery. I have to go home to help her.”

Nia’s stone face gave nothing away. “Are you a fucking doctor, Griffin?”

“What? No.”

“Then what the fuck can you do? Sucks she’s hurt, but call her and send a basket or something. We have a show tonight.”

Clarke shook her head. “You don’t understand. I need to be there for her. She is my girlfriend and she’s having surgery. I have to be by her side.”

Nia’s lip curled up in a sneer. Her icy gaze was fixed on Clarke. She took a deep breath and let out a growl. “Fine, go! After the show tonight you can leave. And I assume this means that you will be missing our two shows next week?”

“Nia, I need to leave now. I won’t be at the show tonight”

At this Nia’s eyes narrowed even further. Her jaw clenched and she jerked her head left and right causing loud cracks from her neck.

“Great. Fine, go be with your precious fucking girlfriend. But I want you to know that I will be sure you are not paid for any of these shows, and if we lose sales at the door because we don’t have an opener, I want that money deducted from your cut of our shows for the rest of the tour. See you in Boulder on the 20th.”

Nia leaned back attempting to close the door and retreat back to her dark room, but the door was abruptly stopped by Clarke’s outstretched hand.

“Nia, I’m sorry. I’m not coming back for the rest of tour.” The Ice Nation front women immediately straightened up, suddenly seeming more alert. Clarke nervously fidgeted with her fingers and cracked her knuckles, but continued. “Lexa is badly hurt. Her career may be over and she is going to need rehab. Her sister is a month away from having a baby so that will take up a lot of her family’s attention. She will need me for support.”

Nia took a threatening step forward and her tall frame loomed over Clarke. Her eyes burned with anger, but her voice remained frighteningly calm.

“None of that shit is my problem. You cannot bail on the tour. We took a fucking chance on some blonde barbie opener because you are little besties with our manager’s sister. You were nothing and we brought you on board and gave you an audience. Shockingly, people actually like your sound and word is spreading. We are making more money now than we have before. If you bail, the venues will be pissed. You cannot do that.”

Clarke was taken aback. She had no idea her contribution to the tour was making such an impact. She had expected Nia to be pissed, but this reaction was downright frightening. Nonetheless, she had to go home.

“I apologize if I have put you in a bad position. I don’t like abandoning my commitment, but family comes first.”

Nia swung around and punched her motel room door. “God damnit Clarke! This is some shitty girlfriend, not family! You can’t give up on the tour for some lovey dovey crap that won’t last past school anyway!”

Clarke started to get agitated. Nobody could talk about her relationship that way. “Lexa is the love of my life, Nia. Nothing is more important than her.”

Nia reeled around on Clarke again. She looked her straight in the eyes as she warned, “If you do this, I will make it my mission to destroy you.”

Clarke took a step back. She would not be intimidated by this bitch. “Bye Nia. Good luck on the rest of the tour. I wish nothing but the best for you and the girls.” She spun around and briskly walked back to the safety of her own room. As she entered the room, she could hear Nia scream and slam her own door.

An hour later, as she sat in the back of a cab speeding toward the airport, her phone rang. Bellamy’s name popped up on the screen, and Clarke took a deep breath before answering.

_“Clarke, what the hell? Did you drop out of the tour?”_

“Yes, Bellamy, and I’m sorry, but let me explain.” Clarke spent the next five minutes describing the circumstances to her manager. Needless to say, his reaction was better than Nia’s.

_“Wow. Clarke I’m so sorry to hear this. I get it, I do. I know how much Lexa means to you, and I understand why you are leaving.”_

The blonde let out a sigh of relief. She was extremely thankful for Bellamy’s understanding. She didn’t have the emotional strength to handle another argument right now.

“Thanks Bellamy. I so appreciate everything you have done for me, and I’m really sorry I couldn’t finish out the tour. I know this puts you in a bad spot.”

 _“It’s fine. I will work on finding them another opener. But Clarke, you should know, this may affect your future. You are not signed yet, and while you have been gaining traction on this tour, the public has short memories. And Nia has already called the label to tell them you are unprofessional and unreliable_.”

Clarke closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. She could feel a headache looming. “Well, I’ll just have to deal with that later. For now, I need to focus on Lexa.”

_“Okay Clarke, take care. Keep me posted on how she is doing. Let’s touch base again in a few weeks.”_

“Thanks Bel. Bye.” Clarke put her phone away and leaned against the seat with her eyes closed, willing the driver to go faster. At this point all she needed was to be back home and by Lexa’s side.

*************************************************************************************************************

The memory of that day was so clear in Clarke’s mind. The debilitating fear she felt when she saw all the missed calls was an emotion she had never experienced before or since. Lexa had always been her top priority, and when she arrived at the hospital, her girlfriend seemed grateful and happy to see her. However, things between them never were the same. They struggled through with forced enthusiasm and fake smiles but something was off and Clarke couldn’t quite pinpoint what. Then, five months later, their relationship was over.

Thinking about those days and being this close to Lexa’s life brought a lot of emotions back for Clarke. It was frustrating that Lexa could still have this affect on her, even after all this time. One thing was for certain; Clarke was rapidly deciding that seeing Lexa was not one of her better ideas. It had been a mistake coming here. She wasn’t sure what she was hoping to find, but she knew it wouldn’t come from surprising her widow ex at her home after nearly thirteen years of silence.

She would have had her driver speed away right then and there had it not been for that pesky pinky promise. Clarke was not one to break a promise, pinky or otherwise, but she needed to get out of here. But first she had to explain to Madi. And also use their bathroom, because she drank three coffees this morning and she really needed to pee.

The actress jumped out of her SUV and jogged up to Lexa’s red front door. Before she even knocked, a grinning Madi swung the door open.

“You want to come in now?”

Clarke gave the little girl a rub on her head. “Actually sweetie, something came up and I have to go.” Madi’s smile dropped. “But I’m going to give you my personal cell number, and we can talk anytime you want. We are friends now, remember?” The smile had returned.

“Can you come see my room still?” mini-Lexa asked.

“I want to, but I really have to go, and it’s just not appropriate for me to go up to your room without your mom home or her permission.” Clarke had her hand in her pockets and rocked back on her heels as she eyed the inside of the house. “But, before I go, can I sneak inside and use your bathroom? I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it back to the city before my bladder explodes.”

Madi giggled at Clarke’s words and opened her door wider. “It’s right down the hall.” Her tiny finger pointed inside and Clarke followed her direction, making her way into the home. She tried to keep her head down and go straight to the bathroom, so not to invade Lexa’s privacy, but she couldn’t stop her eyes from glancing around taking in all the details of the home’s interior.

At the exact same time Clarke was entering the first-floor bathroom, a silver Kia Sportage made the right turn onto Trikru Lane and sped toward the grey house. After hastily pulling into the driveway, Lexa Woods killed the engine and rushed into her home, not even noticing the black SUV parked at the curb. As she entered the house, she immediately spotted Aden and Madi standing by the couch in the living room. She rushed forward “Are you guys okay?” bending down she pulled them both into a fierce hug. Her eyes did a quick scan of each child. Noticing no visible injuries, she moved on to the interrogation portion of this reunion. “You both have a lot of explaining to do. Where were you?”

Aden bravely stepped forward, ready with a story. “Aunt Lexa, please don’t freak out. This was my fault.” Madi cut him off quickly. “No this is my fault. It was all my idea.”

At that moment, the front door burst open again and an angry Anya stalked forward. She glared at both kids. “What the hell have you two been getting up to today? You had us worried sick. And you mister…” pointing directly at Aden “owe me seventy bucks for that uber ride!”

Aden gulped. It would be many months of allowances before he could pay that back. Lexa continued looking back and forth between the two. “So, where did you go?”

Madi looked up at her mom and aunt. “I made Aden skip school and go to the city. I couldn’t do it by myself.” Squinting her eyes and jutting her chin forward; Lexa was still confused. “Where in the city, or just why? Why did you need to go to the city?”

Aden and Madi looked at each other, not sure how to reveal their plan. Before they could answer, however, the hallway bathroom door opened, and Clarke tentatively stepped out. “They came to see me.” She pulled her arm up, no higher than chest level, and gave the shocked Woods sisters a tiny wave. “Hi!”

Lexa stood still, her eyes bugging out wide. Anya was able to recover first and her shocked expression morphed into on of genuine happiness. She moved over to where Clarke stood and gave her a good side hug, which was a lot of affection coming from Anya. “Holy crap blondie. It’s good to see you again.” She tuned back to face Lexa who had yet to move. “Look Lexa. Blondie decided to pay you a visit.” She slapped Clarke’s back hard. A bit too hard to the singer’s taste, as she jerked forward under the impact. Her eyes still had not left Lexa’s.

“I’m sorry to just show up like this. Madi and Aden came to see me, and I wanted to make sure they got home safe. I just popped into your house to use the bathroom before I headed back to the city. You know me and my tiny bladder.” She chucked nervously, still waiting for some movement from her former girlfriend. Before Lexa could respond, Madi stepped forward again.

“We were never in danger, I had it all planned out. I can explain.” Lexa’s eye shot down to her daughter and her anger returned. “Madi just stop it. You are grounded until you are married.”

“What? That’s not fair, if I’m grounded how even can I find someone to marry? I’ll have to grow long hair like Rapunzel to find a stranger and it will get all dirty and gross.” Anya was smirking as she stepped up and grabbed the arms of each child and gently started guiding them towards the stairs. “Seems like a fair punishment to me. I’m going to take the kids upstairs for now so they can think about what they’ve done.” Referring to the awkward exes she added, “You two stay here and catch up.” As Anya marched the kids up the stairs, she threw as smile and a wink towards Lexa, motioning to Clarke with her head and urging her sister to start a conversation.

The lawyer and singer were now left alone, taking each other in. The silence lingered before Clarke concluded that she would have to start.

“So” She took a few steps forward, cutting down the distance between her and Lexa. “I can’t believe it’s been so long since I have seen you. How are you?”

“Oh, uh, I’m, I’m good.”

“You have a nice house.”

Lexa turned and begin looking around the room, trying to visualize how her home and decorating must look to Clarke. “Oh, yeah th..thanks. I try. It’s, we are comfortable. You know it ah, it keeps the rain out.” She let out a short chuckle at her own poor attempt at humor. Clarke chuckled too, looking at Lexa with a funny expression.

“Oh hey, can I get you anything?” Lexa remembered her manners. She was nothing if not a proper hostess. “Um…. A cookie maybe? I have some from a bake sale.” Lexa turned halfway back, jerking her thumb behind her to the kitchen. “Well I didn’t bake them, but I bought them at the school. And they are pretty good.” She took a few steps backwards towards the kitchen. “Oh and I have milk too so, you know cookies and milk. Always a winning combo. You can dunk it or just eat them. You know whatever you want.”

Clarke took a few more steps forward following Lexa towards the kitchen. She was trying hard to stifle her laughter. This was turning into a grade A ramble, and it reminded Clarke of the days when she and Lexa first started going out.

“I’m good, Lex. Thanks.” Lexa’s forehead creased as she looked around, trying to think of what to say next. Clarke decided to help her out. “So, the kids tell me you’re a lawyer? And that you coach their soccer teams?”

Lexa vigorously nodded her head. “Yeah, uh yes. I have my own practice. A lot of family type law, Divorces, estate, etc. but we are branching out into corporate stuff too. And I coach Madi and Aden’s teams in soccer. Nothing too aggressive. Just fun for the kids. Although I do get competitive. You know me. Always have to win.”

“Yeah, same old Lexa. The kids are lucky to have you.”

“So, you. You’re a singer, and an actress now.” The brunette pushed off the kitchen counter and moved towards Clarke, shaking with a nervous energy. “I saw that you even won a Grammy. That’s so cool.”

Clarke put her head down bashfully. “Yeah. A few. I had a couple lucky years.”

Lexa bit her lip thinking, before another question hit her. “So, what do you do with those awards? Do you put them in a trophy case or something?”

Clarke tilted her head slightly, her eyes drifting up and to the right. “No case, I just put them on a shelf.”

“Oh well, if you are looking, I think they have some really good deals at Ikea. I’ve bought some furniture there, and I might even have a coupon.”

Clarke raised her eyebrows, mouth parting slightly. “Thanks, that’s a good tip.” Lexa was rapidly glancing between her ex and her purse, as if pondering whether or not she should look for the Ikea coupon. Clarke interrupted her internal debate. “I should go. I need to get back.”

“Oh, ok”

Clarke turned around and headed towards the door. As she placed her hand on the handle, she turned back towards Lexa. “You should go easy on Madi. She is right, grounded till she’s married makes no sense. You don’t want her to turn in into some tragic Disney princess who needs a man to come save her do you?”

Lexa put on her stern expression, glancing towards the stairs Madi had ascended, before looking back to Clarke. “In this case, I think the punishment fits the crime. Maybe I will grant her an appeal in ten years or so.”

Clarke grinned. “Same old Commander Lexa. Stern and strict.” She paused for a moment before adding. “After all these years, you are still the same.” She looked down, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, before she suddenly launched herself at Lexa, wrapping the woman in a tight hug. “It’s been great to see you Lexa Woods.”

Lexa closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. It had been too long since she was overwhelmed by the scent of her former girlfriend. She relished the warmth of the embrace and was so overcome with the moment that she hardly returned the hug. She simply brought up her right arm and patted Clarke’s back.

When the blonde pulled away, her face was laced with disappointment, and Lexa instantly missed her touch. “Bye” whispered Clarke and she opened the door and left the house.

Lexa stood in the doorway, watching her walk down the path before she shut the door and leaned against it on the inside, closing her eyes and taking short breaths in.

Her moment of silent reflection was short lived.

“What the hell was that?” Lexa was startled by Anya’s yell over loud footsteps as her sister, nephew, and daughter thundered down the stairs.

Lexa lifted her eyebrow, eyes wide. “What?”

Aden had his arms folded over his chest, shaking his head. “You blew it Aunt Lexa.”  
Madi stormed up to her mother, and poked her in the stomach. “Ikea? Mom, she is your first love and all you could talk about was a trophy case?”

“Hey.” Lexa defended. “You do not understand the levels of anxiety that woman invokes.”

“I did a better job than that.” Madi insisted. From behind her Aden coughed and muttered “barely” under his breath.

“What did you say?” Lexa asked her daughter.

“I told her that you said everything about her was beautiful.”

Lexa pulled her head back, impressed. “Wow, that was better.”

“I set you up Mama, you still have a chance.” Lexa began nodding and bouncing on her feet. “You are right. I have to go after her.” She turned and opened the door as her daughter pushed her along. She ran out of the house with Madi yelling from behind her. “Do better than Ikea!”

As she ran down the driveway, the black SUV began puling away from the curb. “Stop” she screamed and continued running until she stood in front of the vehicle, blocking its path with her hands up. “Stop”

She moved along the side of the now stopped car, and towards the back doors. The left rear window dropped, and Clarke poked her head out.

“Come out with me! For coffee, or dinner, ice cream, or a kale smoothie whatever you Hollywood types drink. Just, whatever. Come out with me!” Lexa blurted out before yelling “uh, please!”

Clarke just stared at her for a moment before she shook her head and giggled. “What a weirdo,” she responded. Then the window closed and the car started driving forward again.

Lexa’s shoulders sagged as she watched the car drive off. She hung her head and was about to go back inside when the red brake lights illuminated and the car stopped. She looked up to see Clarke jumping out of the backseat and jogging towards her.

“Okay, so it would have been so cool and sexy for me to just drive away on that line, but logistics outweighed the coolness factor.” She stopped directly in front of Lexa. She had a huge smile and her face was flushed from the crisp night air. “Yes, I absolutely want to hang out with you.”

Lexa’s lips turned up. “I’m sorry for back in the house. I wasn’t myself.”

“Yeah, I figured that around milk and cookies.” Lexa covered her eyes with her hand, thinking back on the embarrassment from moments ago. “Can we just start over?” she asked Clarke. “Dinner?”

Clarke bit her lip, thinking. “It’s kind of tough right now.”

“Oh” Lexa’s head dropped again, looking defeated. Clarke quickly jumped in. “No no. It’s not that. It’s just… I have all these rehearsals for this Christmas Eve concert. Also, I have recording sessions for an animated movie, so my schedule is just swamped. But I will make the time.” She pulled out her phone and began scrolling through the calendar. “Actually, I could do tomorrow, if that works for you?”

“Yes!” replied Lexa immediately before she remembered her schedule “Oh wait, no. I’m coaching Madi’s team tomorrow. It’s our last game, and I’m supposed to go out for pizza afterwards.”

“Well, what if I come?” Clarke asked.

“You want to come to my kid’s soccer game?”

“Sure, I would love to see Coach Commander Woods in action. And I do love pizza.”

“Ok, cool. Then it’s set. Should I call you with the details?”

Clarke held out her phone for Lexa. “Plug in your number.” Lexa put in her digits and then handed the phone back to Clarke.

“Thanks. I’ll call you.” Clarke then leaned forward and with movie star grace she put her hands on Lexa’s shoulders, lifted to her toes and kissed Lexa on the cheek; then she was gone, jogging back to her car and hopping through the open door, before it drove off into the night. Lexa was left dumbfounded. She held her hand up to her cheek where Clarke’s lips had just been and watched Clarke’s car make the turn off their street, wondering the whole time, if this had been a dream.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if people got multiple notifications or if anyone's comments were deleted. I accidentally posted an older version of this chapter and had to delete it. If anyone read the original posting, there are no big differences, mostly a few small changes and then grammar stuff. When I deleted the incorrect chapter, any comments would have been deleted as well. Apologies.

**Clarke (9:30a)** : Hey this is Clarke. We still on for the game today?

 **Lexa (9:33a):** Yes. If you are still willing. I seem to remember you thinking that World Cup was boring. I hate to break it to you, but 7-year old soccer is probably slightly less riveting than World Cup.

 **Clarke (9:33a):** Ugh World Cup WAS boring. And pardon me, but I have always said that any sporting event is fun when you are actually at the game. Also, I refuse to miss a chance to see The Commander in action. Now that you are a coach it has to be like 10 times worse than when you were just team captain.

 **Lexa (9:34a):** I have been known to make the kids cry

 **Clarke (9:34a):** OMG seriously?!?!

 **Lexa (9:34a):** Yes, but that was only because I brought blue Gatorade instead of orange

 **Clarke (9:34a):** you MONSTER

 **Lexa (9:35a):** I also sometime forget to assign a parent to bring halftime snacks

 **Clarke (9:35a):** How do you even sleep at night?

 **Lexa (9:35a):** handle of vodka

 **Clarke (9:55a)** : lol. Wow.

 **Clarke (9:35a):** What time is the game Commander?

 **Lexa (9:35a):** 3:00p, Sky Girl

 **Clarke (9:38a):** Ok, see ya then

 **Lexa (9:39a):** Looking forward to it

 **Clarke (9:53a):** BTW I feel like we totally nailed that text exchange. We had some smooth witty banter. Awkward selves from yesterday are history

 **Lexa (9:55a):** Haha I was actually thinking the exact same thing. But I was smart enough not to voice it. You have definitely just doomed yourself. I’m thinking the chances of you spilling some sort of beverage on your crotch just doubled.

 **Clarke (9:56a)** : I guess I’ll have to risk it

 **Clarke (9:56a):** Side note: you are thinking about my crotch? 😉

 **Lexa (9:57a):** Ignoring you now. Choosing to stop while I’m ahead

 **Clarke: (9:58a):** Coward

 **Lexa (9:58a):** 3:00p. Polis Park fields. North side. See you soon

 

Sitting shotgun in their rented Range Rover, Clarke flipped down the visor to double check her makeup.

“Dude, seriously! That’s like the fourth time you have checked your makeup. Did an errant tidal wave come and magically wash off your face in the last five minutes?”

Clarke scoffed while reapplying some lip gloss. “Maybe pay attention to the road Raven, instead of monitoring my every move.” She snapped the visor back up in its place and began drumming her fingers on her legs.

Raven continued to observe Clarke out of the corner of her eye.  “I have to tell you, I’m so excited to meet this girl. I have not seen you this rattled since the Grammys.”

“I’m not rattled.” Clarke insisted. Raven just titled her head down to stare at her boss. Clarke looked back at her for ten seconds before finally caving. “Ok, fine. I am a little nervous.”

Raven gave a smug smile as Clarke reached up to pull the visor down again. Her assistant’s hand shot off the steering wheel and slapped the visor back in place. “I love you and I know you are my boss, but if you check your makeup one more time, I will slap you across the face. And you KNOW that shit will hurt.”

Clarke answered with a petulant growl. “Fine, but can you at least try to drive faster? We are already late as it is. I can’t believe my meeting with Niylah ran so long.”

 Raven snickered. “Ok, so that’s the story we are going with? We are late because of the meeting with your choreographer ran behind? Not because you tried on every item of clothing in your suitcase and then sent me out to purchase more outfit options?”

“First of all, there is no we in this. You are driving me because I needed to read some of these scripts my agent sent.”

 “Well, pardon me Miss Daisy, ma’am.” Raven answered, putting on a horrible southern accent. “I’ll just shut my mouth and stick to driving. Sure you wouldn’t be more comfortable in the backseat ma’am? Propriety dictates you shouldn’t be sitting up here with common folk workers like myself.”

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh, “You are such a loser.”

“Please, I’m hilarious and you know it.”

“ANYWAY, don’t give me shit about the clothes. I just wanted to make sure I fit in.”

Now it was Raven’s turn to laugh. “Girl, fit in? We are now entering suburbia. People here wear mom jeans and sneakers. You are wearing a cashmere beanie and a two-thousand-dollar aviator jacket, with Italian pumps which I very much like and will probably borrow in the near future.”

“Whatever.” Clarke wrung her fingers and occupied herself by looking out the window and taking in the sights of Polis. Nearly a decade had passed since she set foot in this town. Nine years ago, her mother had left Polis and transferred to a hospital in Los Angeles, and Clarke had not been back since. “This place seems smaller than I remember.”

“It’s not smaller, your world just got bigger.”

“Whoa, that was some deep shit.”

“I know bitch. I’m soulful as fuck.”

Both girls were laughing as the GPS announced that they had arrived at their destination. Turning into the parking lot for the soccer fields, Clarke was reminded of the summers she spent in this park; sketching, writing, and strumming on her guitar, all while Lexa spent hours running drills and practicing new plays for her high school team.

Only one game was currently taking place on the fields, so it was easy to spot Madi’s team. As Raven pulled into an open parking space, Clarke looked around at the parents and families scattered on the sidelines and decided that she was a bit overdressed. While most women were wearing yoga pants and sweats with tennis shoes and sweatshirts, Clarke realized that her tight blue jeans and her Maximilian Furs Lamb Shearling jacket reeked of money. Despite the fact that her stiletto shoes made her ass look amazing, they had definitely been the wrong choice for this particular event. It was too late to do anything now, so Clarke just slipped on her oversized black Celine sunglasses, grabbed the tupperware she had at her feet, and got out of the car, praying Lexa wouldn’t think she was a snob.

As she and Raven made their way to the field, Clark immediately spotted Lexa. Her long chestnut curls were hard to miss. Her hair was loose, cascading down her back covering the top half of what looked to be a large panda adorning the back of her purple sweatshirt. The coach looked focused on the game and was shouting advice and words of encouragement to her team. Clarke decided to stand back a ways, so not to distract Lexa, but she was quickly called out by Anya, who had spotted her getting out of the car, and was now waving her over.

“Hey blondie! I have a seat for you over here.”

The singer looked over to see Anya standing next to a few lawn chairs. She heard a low whistle coming from her left.

“Holy cheekbones Batman! That woman is smoking hot! And tall! Is she the ex?”

Clarke chucked, “God, no. That’s the sister of the ex.”

Raven blew out a sigh of relief. “Whew, because I think I may be in love with that woman. I want to climb her body like a tiny koala.”

“Raven! So many little ears are around. This is a family event. Can you please keep it in your pants?”

Raven was on Clarke’s heels and she slowly made her way towards Anya. “Just saying: DIBS!”

“You got it buddy.” At that moment Clarke’s right heel sank into the grass and her free arm flailed and she reached out for her assistant. “Crap! Help me!”

Raven was able to catch the singer before she tripped, but the scene had caused a few eyes to look their way. The two steadily made their way over to Anya, whose shoulders were shaking with laughter.

“Jeez blondie, did you forget to walk unless it’s on a red carpet?”

Clarke shot Anya a glare. “Ha Ha. It’s not my fault, my shoe got stuck in the grass.”

“And who decided to wear four-inch heels to a wet soccer field?”

Raven jumped in here “She wore the shoes to make her ass look good.”

Clarke was indignant, “Seriously Ray?” while Anya chortled and motioned for Clarke to turn around. “Let me see.” When Clarke refused to move, Anya circled around to her backside, and let out a whistle. “Well, can’t argue with that deduction. Your ass is looking on point.” Clarke just huffed in response as Anya turned her attention towards Raven “I don’t believe we have met.” She stuck out her hand in greeting. “Anya Woods” she offered. Raven accepted the handshake with enthusiasm. “Raven Reyes. I’m Clarke’s better half.” Anya slowed the handshake as her eyes narrowed. “Are you two….?”

“No!” Clarke and Raven answered simultaneously before Raven continued on. “I’m just Clarke’s right-hand man, also her self-appointed life coach.  Her… Girl Friday, if you will. I’m both the snap and crackle to her pop.”

“Also known as: MY ASSISTANT” Clarke interjected.

The introductions and banter were interrupted by a small voice calling out from the field, “Clarke! Clarke, Hi!” Over on the soccer field Madi had stopped running and was standing alone waving at Clarke, as play moved towards the other team’s goal. Clarke raised her hand, giving a quick wave back. This little girl in her soccer outfit was the cutest thing Clarke had ever seen. Madi had her wild hair sorted in braided pigtails. She was wearing her team’s uniform, a little purple shirt with a panda on the front. Purple socks covered what Clarke imagined to be the tiniest shin guards ever. She wore black sweatpants under black soccer shorts and she had two back streaks on her face, one under each eye. Clarke recognized the design as Lexa’s “war paint” from her days playing the game. “That’s my friend!” Madi yelled at one of her teammates as she returned her attention towards running after the small black and white ball.

“Whoa, anyone ever teach the munchkin about stealth?” Raven asked aloud. “We are trying to be incognito here. Notice the token celebrity disguise: hat and sunglasses.”

Anya looked around the crowd. “I think we are good. Despite the fact that Clarke is not the most popular name, I don’t think anyone is expecting a world famous mega star to be hanging out in Polis at a kids’ soccer game.” Anya’s eyes locked on to Lexa who had now been alerted to Clarke’s arrival, and was making her way over to the trio. “Although it looks like you have been spotted by one person.”

Clarke followed Anya’s gaze, and immediately straightened up and plastered on a smile. Raven too, noticed Lexa making her way over. She leaned over to whisper to Clarke “Whoa, now I understand your little school girl crush, you smitten kitten. She’s no cheekbones over here, but still, nicely done Clarkey. Why did you two break up again?”

“She left me.” was all Clarke had time to whisper back, before Lexa was standing in front of her.

“Hey, you made it.” She opened her arms for a hug, which Clarke stepped into. At least for now, their awkwardness from the previous evening seemed to have dissipated. Well, mostly. Lexa flinched as her back was hit with the tupperware container that Clarke was still clutching in her right hand.

“Ouch.”

“Oh shit, sorry about that” Clarke pulled out of the hug and used her left hand to smack herself on the side of the head. “I’m dumb.”

Lexa grinned and looked down at the plastic perpetrator. “What do you have there?”

“Oh, this is just cut up orange slices. You know, for the team.”

Eyes wide, Lexa studied Clarke’s face. “You brought orange slices?”

“Yes? I mean, that’s what kids eat at halftime right? Just wanted to make sure they didn’t starve in case you forgot to assign a parent to snacks. Is that okay?”

Lexa’s head slowly shook back and forth, in awe of this woman in front of her. At Clarke’s nervous frown, she realized it looked like she was saying no, so she quickly started nodding her head. “No, I mean yes, that’s all right. You’re great, I mean, that’s great.” She took a deep breath stopping herself from going on a ramble. She let the breath out and re-focused on what she was trying to say. “Thank you, Clarke. That was very thoughtful.” Green eyes were locked with blue and both women just stared, each with wide grins. It was Anya who decided to break the moment.

“Don’t look now” she mock whispered to Raven. “But I think my sister’s insides are turning into a puddle of gay goo.” Raven laughed while both blue and green eyes glared at Anya for interrupting their moment.

A whistle blew on the field, and Lexa glanced over her shoulder to check out the game’s progress.

“Don’t let me keep you Coach. Go ahead, I’ll hang here and watch with Anya.” Clarke shot Lexa a sexy wink, and the coach grabbed the oranges from her before headed back over to the sideline.

The next thirty minutes were spent watching children run in a herd following the soccer ball. Unsurprisingly, given her genes, Madi was by far the best player on the field. Instead of just kicking the ball, she actually used footwork to get around defenders and she had the skill to accurately pass the ball to her other teammates. And today, Madi was on cloud nine. Every time she even touched the ball loud applause would explode from her personal three person cheering section of Clarke, Anya and Raven, the latter two of which spent most of the game chatting and flirting.

Clarke on the other hand, didn’t take her eyes off the field, and Madi in particular. She was enthralled with the game. She loved seeing Madi in action. Her eyes, filled with determination, and her skill as she dribbled the ball down the field. It was reminiscent of Lexa when she played. Although mother and daughter did differ in one aspect: the smile. When Clarke thought of Lexa on the field, it was always with a stone exterior, mouth in a hard line; full Commander mode. Madi, on the other hand, played with a smile. It never left the girl’s face. She was positively cheery. She smiled as she ran down the field, smiled when she was substituted, smiled when she threw the ball in, even smiled when she collided with a player from the other team. Her expression didn’t change one iota as she stood up, dusted herself off, and in a show of adorable sportsmanship, held out her hand to help the other girl. The smile was biggest, however, when she scored a goal in the final minutes of the game, setting off an eruption of cheers from the sideline. Once the game ended and the crowd started filtering out of the park, Clarke waited with Raven and Anya, as Lexa said her goodbyes to parents and gathered all the cones and balls from the field. Madi, who was usually very helpful, abandoned her mother to cleanup alone, as she ran over to her idol.

“Did you see me score the goal Clarke?”

“I sure did” replied the singer. “You were awesome out there.” She lifted her hand and gave the girl a high five.

“I scored a goal at the beginning of the game, but you were not here yet, so I tried really hard to score again. And I did.”

Clarke’s lips turned down. “Aw man” She stomped her shoe and swung her arm, hand in a fist. “I can’t believe I missed a goal. I’m so sorry Madi. I had a meeting run late.”

“It’s okay. Mama said you are very busy.”

“Well thank you for scoring again so I could see it. That was the best goal I have ever seen. And I saw all your Mama’s goals in college. This goal today, still the best one.”

Madi’s hands went to her hips. “My Mama once scored a goal on a backwards scissor kick, and one time she scored with her head so I know that you are fibbing because we are friends, but that’s okay because giving compliments is nice.”

Lexa suddenly appeared behind her daughter “but when I scored those goals it was a fluke. I just got lucky. When you scored today, it was with gusto, so I think I agree with Clarke, best goal ever!”

Madi turned around to face her mother. “If I am already better than you, then I should probably be the coach next year.”

Lexa’s mouth dropped open in mock offense while the others just laughed.

“I love this kid.” Raven let out through her laughter. She held out her hand for the little girl. “Up top Madi, you rock!”

Madi jumped up, slapped Raven’s hand and giggled along with the ladies around her. She caught her aunt’s eye and the two shared a conspiratorial look before Madi turned back to her mother. “Since I’m the new coach, you don’t have to come to the pizza party, Mama.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves there, monkey. I’m still the coach now, so I think I have to go.”

“No Mama, really. We want to have fun and it will be lame if parents are there.”

Lexa frowned down at her daughter. “Lame? Well, I hate to break it to you, kiddo, but I’m pretty sure most of the parents will be there.”

Madi persisted. “But you are not just a parent. You are a coach, and nobody likes a coach at a party. That’s like a teacher at a party and it’s bad for um….. for the um…” she looked back to her aunt for help, but Anya refused to make eye contact, suddenly committed to examining her nails. “Oh, the vibe. It’s bad for vibe.”

Lexa’s head slowly began nodding up in down, her arms crossing. She was starting to see where this was going. “Huh, I wonder where this could be coming from?” With her head bent down towards her daughter, Lexa’s eyes shot up to her sister who was now looking around, suddenly finding the grey winter sky very intriguing. Lexa rolled her eyes before returning them to her daughter. “Well what about Clarke?” She gestured towards the blonde next to her. “I thought you wanted her to come to the pizza party?”

“Actually, I thought about that last night too. If Clarke comes to the party, people will recognize her, and then the photograbbers….” Raven and Clarke desperately bit back their laughter and Madi’s iteration of the word photographers. “they could come and everyone would look at Clarke. And the party is supposed to be for the Polis Pandas. If Clarke comes, she will steal our thumper.”

A cough came from behind them as Anya whispered, “Thunder. Thunder!”

“Right” Madi continued. “She will steal our thunder.”

Behind the mother and daughter, Raven murmured to Clarke “Is it just me, or are you getting the weirdest sense of déjà vu?”

“So Mama, I think instead, I can go to get pizza and you will just have to take Clarke somewhere else. Okay?”

Lexa drew her lips to the side and popped her tongue at the top of her mouth, making a ticking sound, as she thought things through. She smirked as she looked towards Clarke, “Do you still want to get some food?”

Before the blonde could respond, Raven jumped in “That is so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I can’t tonight, I have some plans with…” she received a confused look from Lexa while her boss just glared. “Oh… you were talking to Clarke. Oops.”

Lexa’s eyebrow quirked up. “Have we met?”

“Well, I was standing here when you came over earlier, but I supposed your tunnel vision just focused in on the blonde haired, blue eyed, white lady, soooo… I’m Raven”

“She is my assistant.” Clarke supplied. “And also, I must reluctantly admit, one of my closest friends.”

The two brunettes gave each other nods in greeting before Lexa focused back on Clarke. “So you want to head out?”

“Sure” Clarke answered then looked down to the seven-year old, “You played a great game Madi. It was good to see you again.”

“Wait Clarke, you still have not seen my room. Can you come by and do that after dinner?” The blonde looked up to Lexa, silently asking for permission. Lexa nodded her head, and Clarke’s eyes returned to Madi. “Sure. We will do that later tonight. Pinkie promise!”

After the two shook pinkies for the second time, Madi jumped up towards Clarke in a hug. However, unbeknownst to either of them, Clarke’s heel had once again sunk into the ground. The surprise weight of Madi in her arms caused Clarke to lose her balance. She stumbled, but her heel, planted firmly in the mud, refused to move, thus sending both the blonde and the child tumbling backwards to the damp, muddy, grass.

“Oh my god! Are you guys okay?” Lexa rushed forward, however she seemed to be the only one worried. Anya and Raven just erupted in boisterous laughter. Madi was giggling as she rolled off of Clarke who only had a slight grimace, but was chuckling nonetheless.

Lexa quickly examined her daughter, who jumped back up immediately. She then held out a hand for Clarke, and pulled the blonde to her feet. “What happened? Your center of gravity a little off there?”

Clarke looked down at herself, blushing with embarrassment. “My heel got stuck in the ground.”

“Oh.” Lexa glanced to Clarke’s feet. “Yeah this is probably not the place to be wearing heels.”

“She wore them because….”

“Not another word!” The look Clarke gave her assistant was not the full “Psycho Stare” but it was close enough for Raven to snap her lips shut instantly.

Lexa was not paying attention the chatter. She was giving Clarke a once over, brushing her off and circling to detect any damage. When she rounded to Clarke’s back, Lexa had to stifle her laughter. “Uh, Clarke? Hate to say I told ya so but….”

“But what?” the blonde turned her head over her shoulder.

“But your butt.” Lexa was doing her best, placing her hand over her closed mouth, but spurts of winded laugher kept escaping. “It’s covered in mud. Kind of makes it look like you are incontinent.”

“Seriously?” Clarke angled her head down to try and assess the damage, but it was still hard to see. She uselessly circled around like a dog chasing her tail, as her group howled with laughter.  Giving up her pursuit, Clarke lifted her hands in exasperation. “Guess you were right Lex, I brought this on myself. But I’m not sure I can go out in public with my pants in this state.”

“How about we just go to my house? I can let you borrow some clothes and we will get your jeans washed?”

“Ok. That works. I can follow you in my car.”

“Perfect.” Lexa bent down to get on the same level as her daughter. “Hey monkey, since your plan has come to fruition, your Aunt Anya will be the one talking you to the pizza place, okay?”

“Okay, Mama”

Anya huffed, clearly realizing that she hadn’t thought this plan though and now she would be stuck chaperoning a bunch of screaming kids. Clarke smirked at Raven. “I’m taking the car. You can get yourself back to the city, right?”

“Oh sure. Just leave the brown skinned girl alone in this white-bred neighborhood. What if ICE comes and picks me up?”

“You were born in San Diego.”

“Pshh, like that matters anymore.”

Anya took the opportunity to extend her time with the spunky assistant. “You can come with us. I’ll make sure you clear the white picket fences unharmed.”

Raven wiggled her eyebrow. “Can’t refuse that offer.”

The group said their goodbyes and Lexa and Clarke made their way across the parking lot, each getting into their own respective vehicles. The Sportage led the Range Rover for the ten- minute drive to Lexa’s home.

Once inside, Lexa left Clarke in the kitchen while she climbed the stairs to the bedroom, retuning moments later with black sweatpants and a purple shirt with the familiar panda logo and WOODS stamped across the back.

“Here, these should work. I don’t think your shirt is messy, but I’m not sure I can carry on a conversation with you if you are wearing that fancy top with my sweatpants.”

Clarke reached for the clothes, examining them. “What’s with all the purple I’ve seen today?”

“That’s Madi’s team. We are the Polis Purple Pandas.”

Clarke arched her eyebrow.

“What? My kid is a fan of alliteration, what can I say?”

“It’s cute.”

“Good, glad you approve, bathroom’s over there. Better get out of those pants quickly before it stains.”

“Whoa, trying to get me out of my clothes already Commander?” Clarke asked with smugness.

“Ha Ha”

Moments later, Clarke emerged from the bathroom in Lexa’s clothes. She handed her jeans to her ex, who disappeared down the hallway to the laundry room. Once Lexa was out of sight, Clarke took a moment to pull the tee-shirt up to her nose and breath in the scent that was so inherently Lexa. It was the smell of rain and pine, with just a hint of something flowery that Clarke could never quite place. It was a scent she had not experienced in years, but its return flooded her brain with Oxytocin and memories of lovemaking, cuddling, borrowed clothes, and warm embraces.

Before she was overcome with memories, Clarke shook the feelings from her brain and distracted herself by walking around Lexa’s living room, observing the cozy decor and the family pictures on the walls.

When Lexa returned, Clarke was looking a large picture frame with multiple photos in various sizes that hung on the wall behind the kitchen table.

“Whatcha doing?”

“Just looking for some photo with you pregnant. For the life of me I can’t picture it and I’m dying to see what you looked like.”

"You’ll be searching for a while. I was never pregnant. Costia carried Madi.”

Clarke spun around to face Lexa. “Really? But she looks exactly like you.”

“We had my eggs implanted into Costia. That way, it seemed like the baby was part of us both.”

“Oh, makes sense. Sorry, it probably wasn’t very polite of me to ask about that.”

Lexa shrugged. “I don’t mind.” She headed into the kitchen and stood behind the counter facing Clarke. “Can I get you something? Something to drink or eat? What are you hungry for?”

“I’ll take a beer if you have it.”

“Sure.” Lexa opened the fridge and reached insides, pulling out two bottles of Rolling Rock, before opening the side drawer in search of a bottle opener.

“In terms of food, I’m fine with whatever, but to be honest, it’s only five o’clock, so I’m really not that hungry.”

“Not one for the early bird special?” Lexa asked.

Clarke chuckled, shaking her head. “Nope.”

“Well, that works out nicely because I don’t have anything here and even if I did, I’m an awful cook.”

The two women sat on the couch together, relapsing into comfortable familiarity and natural chemistry. The awkwardness and weariness was gone and they just talked together; discussing their lives, things big and small, like two old friends, catching up after a long absence.

Clarke told Lexa about her first big movie role: “I was supposed to be lost at sea but really I was in Burbank, California is this giant water tank. And apparently, they can fake the open ocean but they can’t fake temperatures because they kept the water freezing cold. Even my ass turned blue!  And the camera guy’s leg kept touching me and I was terrified it was like a weird tank fish! I know it sounds crazy but this tank was super dark and creepy.”

Lexa explained to Clarke how she became a lawyer: “I don’t know. I was just so unsure of what to do after my leg healed. I remember once in high school when I was fighting with coach about the logic behind some new play and he told me that I was a great arguer and I should be a lawyer. I always remembered that, and it turned into my new plan. After the injury, I powered through school and added some pre-law classes and liked them. So then I applied to law school. Funnily enough, I’m not really a trial attorney, so I don’t argue. More like I write up contracts and have to be logical with a killer attention to detail.

“Which actually seems perfect for you.”

“Yeah, it kind of is.”

 

Clarke shared the memories of her favorite performances: “And then I just jumped.”

“So, wait, you were NEVER on top of the stadium?”

“No Lex. Seriously? You think I would ever get up that high? It was all shot on green screen like five days before the game.”

“Damn, I feel kind gipped now.”

 

Lexa regaled Clarke with stories of humiliation from Madi’s fifth birthday party: “Apparently because of my tattoos and curly hair, I was the perfect choice to dress up as Maui.”

“Who’s Maui?”

“This huge hulking man voiced by The Rock, from the movie.”

“Oh my god! I need to see pictures immediately!”

“And we constructed this raft that was supposed to look like the one they take across the ocean. AND I was supposed to sing!”

“What? No! You can’t sing!”

“I know! So, I’m standing on this poorly constructed raft, wearing a grass skirt and a tan tank top, holding an oar”

“Oh.. Oh.... my.. holy crap I might pee. I can’t breathe.”

“Singing a song called You’re Welcome, and I got so caught up in the dance that I fell right off the back of the raft!”

“Video! Please tell me you have video!”

 

Clarke gave Lexa some insight into her famous friends: “So I’m still really close with Octavia.”

“Not surprising.”

“And actually, she is dating Lincoln Crew now.”

“That really buff guy with the mohawk and the workout videos?”

“That’s him. He is such a sweetie. We all got super close filming this movie we just wrapped. He and Tavs are perfect for each other. But that’s insider info so keep it hush hush.”

 

At Lexa’s insistence, Clarke continued to dish on her celeb friends: “Chris Pratt is the sweetest guy in the world. We don’t hang usually, unless it’s at parties, but he’s so freaking nice. Also, Amy Adams is my brunch buddy. She is like one of the funniest people I know.”

“I would have thought that would be Ellen.... what? No! Clarke, why are you making that face?”

“Ahhh... I hate telling people this but..... she’s not that nice.”

“What?!?!?! Impossible.”

“I’m sorry. It’s not that she is mean, she’s just not overly friendly. It’s probably not fair for us regular people to assume she’s always happy and dancing, but it’s kinda a let down.”

“I just died a little on the inside.”

 

They even debated about their favorite TV shows: “What do you mean, you don’t watch Game of Thrones.”

“I’m not sure what about that statement confuses you. I do not watch Game of Thrones.”

“I just don’t understand. How? It’s the best show ever!”

“I’ve tried Lexa! I really did. But there are too many characters and all the guys have long hair, and you know how I hate that. And the hot characters have sex with their siblings. Plus, people die all the time. It’s depressing! I’m a happy ending girl.”

“Ugh you are missing out.”

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“Always.”

“So even though I don’t watch Game of Thrones, everybody talks about it all the time and I don’t like being left out. So, I go to HBO on demand, and I watch the ‘Previously on Game of Thrones’ part at the beginning, and then I fast forward to the end and watch the ‘On the next Game of Thrones” teaser, and that keeps me pretty in the know. So, I can fool people.”

“I can’t even look at you right now. Also, I think I have to call the papers and expose you as a fraud.”

“You know, you are one to talk. How do you not watch Killing Eve?”

“I’m a mother. I have a seven-year-old in the house!”

“But you are fine with Madi seeing all the dicks and tits on Game of Thrones?”

 

Hours had passed in the blink of an eye, and the two had not stopped talking. They were learning so much about each other’s lives and the things they had been through in the last decade. But several crucial topics had thus far been off limits, and Clarke was starting to feel the weight of the elephant in the room.

“So, I just have to say, Madi told me about Costia passing. I’m so sorry, Lex.”

Lexa looked down and picked at a string on her couch. It was only a matter of time before this was brought up. “Yeah it was a pretty hard time. Pancreatic cancer. By the time they found it, it had already spread throughout her body. There were only six months between diagnosis and her death.”

“I don’t even know what to say. That must have been awful.” Clarke reached out her hand to Lexa’s arm, giving her shoulder a firm squeeze for comfort.

“I try to look on the bright side. It was quick, so we didn’t have to watch her suffer for too long. And she refused treatment, so she had a lot of time to spend with Madi. They made so many great memories. You know, Madi is just like Costia. Perpetually cheery.”

Clarke lightly chuckled. “Yeah that is what I remember most about her. She was always so freaking happy in high school.”

The ends of Lexa’s mouth turned up. “Yeah, she didn’t change. She was certainly a glass half full type of person.”

Clarke’s hand, which had just been used for somber comfort, reached out in joviality, flicking Lexa in the arm. “Oh my gosh, do you remember that time, junior year, when we went on the field trip to the capital, but there was some security issue and we couldn’t get in?”

Lexa tilted her head in thought before she could recall the event. “Oh yeah! And it was pouring rain, so they wouldn’t let us off the bus.”

“Everyone was so pissed, and then Costia just got up and randomly started a game of charades.”

Lexa was full on giggling now. “She was trying to act out Dirty Dancing but she was basically just jumping around the bus aisle and grinding on the seats.”

Lexa got up to mimic Costia’s charades moves and shortly Clarke was crumpled up on the couch in stitches.

Once the moment passed and the laughter died down, Clarke added, “It takes a special kind of person to turn around the moods of forty pissy, hormonal teenagers.”

“It does.”

Memories lingered silently before Clarke let out a deep breath. She used her arms to lift herself up and maneuver her body on the couch so she was now facing Lexa sitting with both legs tucked up underneath her. “Ok, I’ve put it off long enough. Let’s have it. How did you and Costia get together?”

Lexa’s eyebrows shot up. “Are we really talking about this?” Clarke gave a definitive nod. “I think we gotta. Hit me.”

Lexa just tilted her head to the side and let out her own long breath. “Okay. We reconnected in grad school, started dating, then a few years later, she proposed and I said ‘Yes’”

“Wow Lex. Are the Cliff Notes version of this story available, because you are really boring me with all these long drawn out details?”

“Apologies, I do tend to go on and on.”

Clarke playfully smacked Lexa’s arm again. “Come on.”

Lexa’s head was resting against the back of the couch, and she let out a long moan. “Fine. We were both at Columbia for grad school. I was in my first year of law school and she was getting her Masters in education. She actually reached out to me on Facebook. We met up on campus a few times. I had always been friendly with her in high school so it was easy to fall back into that plutonic relationship. Most of my friends from undergrad were on the team, and we drifted apart after my injury. I was pretty lonely, then Costia came back into the picture and we worked. We initially were just using each other as a support system.”

“Support system?”

“Yeah. We were both heartbroken. She had just been dumped by her girlfriend of three years, and I was still pretty broken up about us.” Lexa gestured between herself and Clarke. “And we just helped each other. We commiserated together, and it was nice to have someone who was feeling the same kind of pain I was going through.”

Lexa continued on, not realizing that Clarke had stopped listening. The singer’s happy face had fallen and she was biting her bottom lip.

"And eventually, the friendship turned romantic. We understood each other, supported one another, and became a great team. The love kind of snuck up on us." Lexa stopped talking when she felt Clarke’s movement on the couch. The blonde sat up straight and brought her legs around so her feet were on the floor. Both her arms were on each side of her body, holding her up as she sat erect at the edge of the sofa, looking down at the floor.

“Clarke?” Lexa bent her head down to try a sneak a peek at Clarke’s face, which was hidden behind a curtain of long blonde hair. “Uh... earth to Clarke? What’s wrong?”

At that, Clarke began slowly shaking her head, still not looking up. “I can’t do this.”

“Wait, what? Do what?”

“This! I can’t do this. I thought I could, but I can’t.”

“I don’t understand. I thought we were doing okay. What did I say?”

Clarke’s head snapped up to look at Lexa. “Heartbroken?” Her eyes were glistening but there was no mistaking the rage behind them. Lexa’s head pulled back, surprised by Clarke’s sudden outburst.

“Yes. It had been over a year, but I was still in a lot of pain after our split,” she clarified.

“Pain?!?!” Clarke jumped up and began stalking back in forth in the small space between the couch and the entertainment center. “You, Lexa Woods, were in pain from our breakup?”

“Of course, I was.” Lexa didn’t move from the couch, instead just bearing down for the emotional storm that was coming.

“Fuck you, Lexa! _You_ were in fucking pain? _You_ were heartbroken? Imagine how the fuck I felt!”

“Clarke,” Lexa started.

“No! You don’t get to be heartbroken. You LEFT me, literally and fucking figuratively. You came to LA to visit, to help me celebrate getting signed. Then you ghosted me at my own party! Just a freaking Irish goodbye and I NEVER SAW YOU AGAIN.” Clarke’s scream faltered on the last words. She took a shaky breath holding back a sob desperate to escape; her pent-up emotions now bursting out.

Lexa’s head dropped. She was finally being called out, and she deserved her ex’s ire. These had been her actions, and she had been ashamed of them for years.

“After five god-damned years together,” Clarke continued, screaming now, “you just disappeared. Then you dumped me, via fucking email!”

With that final shot, Clarke’s berating seemed to stop, and Lexa braved a look up at the woman she still adored. The expression on Clarke’s beautiful face lingered somewhere between murderous rage and tormented heartache.

Lexa slowly stood from her position, putting them at eye level. “Clarke, please. I owe you an explanation.”

Clarke’s hands flew out wide, stopping Lexa’s speech. “You know what? Save it. For years, I thought about this moment, but now that it’s here, I’ve decided, I really don’t give a shit what you have to say.” With that, the blonde bent down, scooping up her purse and marched towards the door.

“Clarke, wait! Please! Don’t go!” Lexa scrambled behind her ex. Without stopping, Clarke answered over her shoulder, “As you once said to me ‘it’s time we go our separate ways.’”

As Clarke reached to open the front door, Lexa shot up behind her, slamming her hand on the door, preventing Clarke’s departure.

“Please Clarke, let’s just talk about this.” She was practically begging, but Clarke was unmoved. Face impassive she responded, “No. We wouldn’t want this to get drawn out and messy, would we?”

The question hit Lexa hard. Once again Clarke was using her own words against her. She gathered herself to make another protest but was immediately interrupted by Clarke. “This is over, so please just accept that.”  With those familiar words from their past hitting Lexa like a punch to the gut, Clarke used her strength to fling the door open, and escape into the night.

Lexa was left alone in her home. Unlike the previous evening, she would not chase Clarke this time. Everything the blonde said to her had been justified, and Lexa was drained. Feeling numb, she walked down the hallway and back into her living room. Two beer bottles sat empty on her coffee table, a reminder of a short time earlier when she felt happier than she had in years. She stared at the bottles, thinking over everything that had just transpired. The email. Clark had used Lexa’s words from the email as ammunition in their fight. While the actual message had been wiped from her devices, lost in the cloud somewhere between new cellphones and laptops, Lexa didn’t need to see the evidence to remember what it said. Those words had haunted her ever since she pressed the send button.

_Dear Clarke,_

_I’m sure by now you know that I have left. You were having such a great time at the party and I didn’t want to bother you or salt the mood. Clarke, I am so proud of you. Your music is amazing and it was only a matter of time before the world caught up and started appreciating your immense talent. However, since I’ve been here in LA, I have come to realize that we no longer share the same future. Our paths are diverging and it’s time we go our separate ways. We just don’t fit together anymore. I’ve been feeling this way for a while and I have thought long and hard about this. You should know that I’m making this decision with my head and not my heart, but that doesn’t mean I will waver. This is the right thing for both of us, and I think it would be best if we just cut ties completely. A drawn out messy break-up won’t be good for either of us, and you need to focus now on your career. We are over, so please just accept that. I’m going off grid for a bit so you won’t be able to reach me. Please know that I wish the very best for you._

_With love,_

_Lexa_

 

Lost in a trance, Lexa wasn’t sure how much time passed with her standing in her living room, the words from her fated email playing over and over in her head. She was finally brought back to present by the light from her mobile signaling a new text. She picked up her phone to read it.

 **Anya (7:53p):** Love must be in the air because I totally hit it off with that Raven chick. She’s a lot of fun. Don’t worry about Madi. She is spending the night at mine. Wanted you and Clarke to have more time to reconnect ;) enjoy your night!

Feeling completely hopeless, Lexa dropped her phone back on the couch, walked up the stairs to her room, threw her body on top of her bed, and cried herself to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Lexa didn’t wake up at 5:30am the next morning. In fact, it was nearly 9:00am and she still had not gotten out of bed. She had spent the restless night tossing and turning, unable to relax. Her dreams ravaged by a yet another memory from her past.

 

_“Hey, you’re Lexa right?”_

_Her silent wallowing was interrupted by a tall, tan, familiar looking man with shaggy brown hair. For the last forty-five minutes she had been hiding in one of the awful, gaudy red egg chairs that surrounded the pool, but it looked as though she had finally been discovered._

_“Yeah, and you are... Bill?”_

_The man’s head shifted slightly and he let out an awkward laugh. “Ah no, Bellamy. Bellamy Blake. Although Clarke and Octavia call me Bell a lot.”_

_Crap, Lexa knew that. She looked down at her half full champagne flute in accusation. Perhaps she was a little drunk. “Sorry,” she shook her head and forced a smile. “Of course, Bellamy. Octavia’s brother. I think we met a year ago at Columbia.”_

_“That’s right.” Bellamy was grinning as he sat down on the edge of the short table directly in front of Lexa’s chair. “You look very good tonight. Very rocker chic.”_

_Lexa looked down at her outfit. Clarke had picked it out. She was dressed in all black; black leather pants, black shirt, and a black leather jacket. She had a long sliver necklace with a dagger at the end around her neck. She could take or leave the clothes, but she did love the necklace._

_“Thanks. We are opposites.” Bellamy’s brow furrowed, as Lexa pointed to his attire. He was wearing white linen pants with a very light pink collared shirt and a cream jacket.  “All white, I’m all black. I don’t know if that means we clash or go well together.”_

_“Oh right. I think it’s more of the LA versus New Yorker vibe. I was actually at a music video shoot on the beach earlier today.”_

_They both nodded their heads and took swigs of their respective drinks as the conversation stalled._

_“Hey, how is your leg? Obviously, the cast is off.”_

_“Obviously,” Lexa deadpanned. She wasn’t planning on offering any more information until she remembered that this was a nice guy was who helping Clarke in her career. He didn’t deserve her shitty attitude. “I’m doing a lot better, thanks. Been going through rehab and making progress.”_

_“Good!” Bellamy took another drink and leaned back on the table, crossing his legs so his left ankle sat atop his right knee. “Is there a chance for you to get back on your team?”_

_“No, that’s over.”_

_“Shit, I’m sorry. That must really suck. Clarke always bragged how you were a beast on the field. Said you had a chance to make the Women’s National Team.”_

_Lexa gave a terse smile and downed the rest of her champagne. “That’s not happening, so it’s time to focus on something else.”_

_“Think you will move out here with Clarke?”_

_“No. Not yet, anyway. Columbia is willing to honor my scholarship, so I’m going to finish out school there.”_

_“Great! That’s good to hear. That is at least one thing you don’t have to worry about then, right?” Lexa kept her lips in a hard line and just raised her brows and nodded at him. “Cause, I know Clarke has been really worried about you.”_

_“Yeah,” Lexa responded with a small smirk. “She tends to fret.”_

_“Maybe the drama of it all will give her some inspiration for new music. She told me you were her muse, and she definitely needs you now.”_

_Lexa’s eyebrows drew together. “What do you mean?”_

_Bellamy waved off her concern. “It’s nothing really. She’s just fallen a little behind. She still owes the label four songs to complete a full album. I was hoping to get her some sessions with one of our song writers so they could collaborate, but she mentioned that she was going back east with you for the holidays.”_

_Lexa shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “I told her she didn’t have to come back with me, but she insisted. I need to be back home for my nephew and some doctors’ appointments.”_

_“No, I totally get that. It’s the holidays. It’s family time. You just have to help me stay on her about this, okay? We need her to make a good impression with the label. It’s too early for her to become one of those temperamental artists who can’t make deadlines.”_

_“Clarke’s not like that. She is dedicated. She dropped out of school so she could focus on her career. She will get it done.” She looked around the room, trying to spot the blonde in question. When they had arrived at the rooftop party two hours earlier, Octavia had immediately sidled up to Clarke and dragged her off to introduce her to some hotshot agents. Lexa had not been by her girlfriend’s side since then; instead spending most of the party warding off leering, handsy men and lurking in corners alone with champagne._

_“I know she will. I’m just being pushy. It’s practically a miracle that we got her here, so I just want to keep her on track.”_

_A waitress came over and Lexa eagerly traded her empty for a fresh glass, before continuing the conversation._

_“Miracle? I would hope that as Clarke’s manager you would have more faith in her than that.”_

_Bellamy was also eying the waitress. He lifted his empty tumbler and shook it slightly. “Another scotch on the rocks please.” He asked, handing her his empty glass. “Hey, I have crazy faith in Clarke. She’s a star. But even you have to admit, going from a potential lawsuit to a recording deal in a matter of months was down to divine intervention. We got lucky.”_

_“Lawsuit? What lawsuit?”_

_Bellamy’s mouth parted slightly as he looked back to Lexa. “Uh, did Clarke not tell you?”_

_Clarke had not, but Lexa tried to play it off. “Um, she did mention something but we have both been so busy I didn’t get all the details.”_

_“Oh” Bellamy put both feet on the ground and leaned in closer to Lexa so he could speak quietly and still be heard over the music blaring through the speakers around the roof. “It was never going to go anywhere.” He looked over his shoulder checking who was in the vicinity before he continued. “I shouldn’t say this since she is in one of my bands, but Nia Queen is a huge bitch. When the label threatened that lawsuit for Clarke dropping out of the tour, it was just posturing, and they only did it because Nia was raising so much hell. Really, they just wanted to scare Clarke into coming back on tour. But, when she refused, essentially calling their bluff, they felt like they had to move forward. Trust me, I wouldn’t have let them actually sue Clarke.”_

_Lexa was astonished. Clarke had not talked to her about any of this. At that point, the waitress returned and silently handed Bellamy his drink before gliding past them to other partygoers. Lexa could tell that Bellamy was also a bit intoxicated and was not realizing the effect his words were having on her, so she decided to take advantage of the situation and pump him for more information._

_Lexa extended her glass to the air. “To Tower Records… for coming to their senses.” Bellamy clinked his glass with hers. “To Clarke!” He added and they both took generous gulps._

_“So, what did turn them around?” Lexa asked._

_“Hmm?” Bellamy hummed in question as he looked around the party. He lifted his hand to wave at someone on the other end of the pool. Lexa could tell his attention was waning._

_“What turned them around? This all happened so fast I didn’t even get the story on how Tower went from potentially suing her to celebrating her with this big party and contract.”_

_“Ah!” Bellamy slapped his knee. With the scotch still in hand he pointed at Lexa. “That was the luckiest break we have ever had.”_

_“Explain.”_

_“Tower has got these two weird guys, Monty and Jasper. They are total stoner bros, real bizarre dudes, but the label puts a lot of stock in their opinions. Every band or artist they have ever backed has gone big. Picking winners is their super power. I had gotten them to agree to go to Clarke and Ice Nation’s show in Boulder Colorado over the summer, but they never saw Clarke because she had left the tour by then.”_

_Lexa’s head dropped, residual guilt rising up again in her stomach. Clarke had missed that show because of her._

_Bellamy continued with his story. “But the fates intervened.” He lifted his arms in the air as if paying homage to the music gods in the sky. “Three months later, and Tower is threatening Clarke and shit is hitting the fan, all unbeknownst to these guys. But, see, Jasper has this girlfriend who happens to be in grad school at NYU. He and Monty both drove cross country with her in September to take her back to school. While in New York, they stop at Grounders and Clarke was performing. She was filling in for some other act last minute. They saw our girl and they loved her. When they got back to LA they told the big boss about Clarke, gave her their seal of approval, and here we are.” Bellamy leaned back again, with a smug smile and sipped his drink. “Crazy right?”_

_“Yeah, crazy. Did you say Grounders?”_

_“That’s right. It’s this kind of hole in the wall bar, but they are known for their live music.”_

_Lexa leaned back too, relaxing in her egg chair. She knew Grounders, and she knew what night Bellamy was referring too. It had been about nine weeks ago. Clarke had been called by the bar’s manager asking her to fill in for a last-minute drop-out. She had declined because Lexa had a PT session that evening and Clarke was going to drive her. Lexa had told Clarke she could find another ride and had urged her to go to the gig, but Clarke flat out refused. Then, not five minutes later, Lexa’s therapist had to cancel due to a family emergency. Clarke called the bar back and took the gig. Now, all Lexa could think about was ‘what if my therapist had not cancelled? Clarke would have missed her shot, again, all because of me.’_

_“Good talking to you Lexa.” Bellamy stood up and was once again scanning the crowd. “I have to go schmooze a bit. Enjoy the party.”_

_Lexa offered him an unenthusiastic wave as he strode off, squeezing himself past a cluster of girls in skin tight mini-dresses who were currently on their fiftieth selfie of the last three minutes._

_Once again Lexa was left alone. Her thoughts were plagued with worries and apprehension about Clarke and their relationship. The seeds of doubt had first been planted months earlier when Clarke unexpectedly abandoned her tour, but even as time passed, the roots only grew deeper.  Fear and anxiety were slowly taking hold and Lexa was becoming obsessed with the notion that she was holding Clarke back._

_Before she was able to spiral too far into her own head, the music was abruptly cut off and a man’s voice echoed through the speakers._

_“Hello everyone and welcome. I’m Wells Jaha. Thank you for coming out tonight.  If you will, please allow me to introduce my father and the owner and CEO of Tower Records, Thelonious Jaha.”_

_A round of applause circled the party. Lexa stood up, looking around before she noticed a small stage at the far end of the rooftop. Immediately she spotted her girlfriend. Clarke was standing to the left of the stage, and embracing a young dark-skinned man who, Lexa assumed, was the man who had just been speaking. Now on stage stood a tall, African-American man with short cropped, dark hair with a hint of grey sprinkled along his hairline. He was expensively attired in a form fitting burgundy suite over a navy-blue collared shirt and dark purple stripped tie. He stood with stiff posture and bent down to speak into the microphone._

_“Thank you, Wells” He looked over to his son, still standing next to Clarke, and gave a slight nod. “It’s a great turn out here tonight, but that is no surprise, considering why we are here. And that, my friends, is to celebrate a new up-and-coming talent to Tower Records. This young lady has a voice that would shame the angels and a face that could launch a thousand ships, but we will settle for just a million records sold.”_

_A scattering of polite laughter came from the audience._

_“We are thrilled to welcome her to the Tower Records family; please show your appreciation for, Clarke Griffin.”_

_As the onlookers clapped and hollered, Clarke stepped onto the stage and hugged Thelonious. Teeth sparkling from her brilliant smile, she gave a short half bow and waved out to the group. On stage, in her element, Clarke looked every bit the music superstar she was fated to become. Like Lexa, she was dressed in all black. She was donning tiny black shorts and a long black suite jacket, pulled across her body and buttoned together at the side. With no shirt underneath, the jacket’s plunging neckline accentuated her chest, which was covered in layered gold necklaces._

_“Clarke is going to treat us all to a very special performance and give you a small taste of what to expect from her debut album.”_

_Two other men, who Lexa recognized as Clarke’s studio band, walked onto the stage and took their places at their pre-set instruments._

_Clarke stepped up to the microphone. “Thank you so much Thelonious. I am so honored to be a part of such a legendary label like Tower and extraordinarily lucky to be guided by you, Wells, and the amazing team here, who are all working diligently to help me put together an album that we hope will really move people.”_

_Clarke and the music mogul hugged again before he stepped down from stage and she turned and took a seat at a small piano near the left front of the platform. The microphone was removed and another was placed at the piano, bent over, so it was in line with her mouth when she was seated._

_“This song is pretty new, so please bear with me. I only gave the guys a day to learn the music.” She looked back to the two men in her band and gave them an apologetic grimace. They chuckled and waved her off. “This is called ‘Stand By You.”_

_As Clarke’s fingers moved across the piano keys, Lexa began trying to shimmy through the crowd to get a better vantage spot for the performance._

_Clarke bent slightly to the mic and softly began to sing._

_Hands, put your empty hands in mine_  
_And scars, show me all the scars you hide_  
_And hey, if your wings are broken_  
_Please take mine so yours can open too_  
_'Cause I'm gonna stand by you_  
_Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes_  
_And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I_  
_And love, if your wings are broken_  
_Borrow mine so yours can open too_  
_'Cause I'm gonna stand by you_

_Lexa was struggling to get through the crowd. As she angled to slip past a couple drunkenly making out, she was knocked into a tall woman in an obnoxiously revealing white dress._

_“Watch it!” The woman scowled at Lexa, her mouth letting out snarl of warning._

_“Sorry, I’m just trying to get up to the stage.”_

_The slutty amazon groaned. “Ugh, don’t bother. This barbie is a one hit wonder at best.”_

_Lexa reared around to confront this woman making rude comment about her girlfriend._

_“Excuse me?” Eyes narrowed she stood tall and defended her love. “Are you crazy? Can you even hear her?” She aggressively jerked her thumb towards Clarke on stage. The song was picking up and the blonde had the audience in the palm of her hand._

_Yeah, you're all I never knew I needed_  
_And the heart, sometimes it's unclear why it's beating_  
_And love, if your wings are broken_  
_We can brave through those emotions too_  
_'Cause I'm gonna stand by you_  
_Oh, truth, I guess truth is what you believe in_  
_And faith, I think faith is helping to reason_  
_No, no, no, love, if your wings are broken_  
_Borrow mine so yours can open too_  
_'Cause I'm gonna stand by you_

_“She’s fucking amazing” Lexa turned back to stage to admire her girlfriend who was now standing and ramming her hands on the piano, pounding out ever note._

_Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through_  
_Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you_  
_Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you_

_The woman, still standing next to Lexa, was obviously unaware of who she was speaking to and refused to shut up. “She’s nothing but a pretty face with a handful of talent. Besides, she doesn’t have what it takes to make it in this business.”_

_Lexa just shook her head. She was done with the conversation. “You have no idea what you are talking about.”_

_“The fuck I don’t. I actually know her. She was the opener for my band… Ice Nation.” She anointed her band’s name with a pompous tone, obviously expecting recognition. Of course, Lexa was familiar with the band, and she now pegged the woman before her to be Nia Queen, but her stoic expression gave nothing away. She refused to give this woman the satisfaction of notoriety._

_Nia waited for acknowledgement, but when it didn’t come, she just growled and continued spewing her bullshit. “She’s weak. She could barely handle a month on the road before she flamed out. She doesn’t have the stamina to put in the work or the long hours and the months away from her family and friends. Music is not her priority.”_

_Lexa gritted her teeth. Both of her hands shaking in such tense fists that her fingernails were sure to leave marks on the inside of her palms. She had a burning desire to punch this woman in the face, and probably would have, if it wouldn’t have disturbed Clarke’s performance. Instead, she inhaled deeply through her nose and turned her attention back to the stage._

_I'll be your eyes when yours can't shine_  
_I'll be your arms, I'll be your steady satellite_  
_And when you can't rise, well, I'll cry with you on hands and knees_  
_'Cause I_  
_I'm gonna stand by you_

_Nia bent down to Lexa’s ear, sneering; “Even if she had the talent to make it, that girl is a quitter, through and through.” Then she stormed away, aggressively pushing people aside to make a path._

_Lexa was furious. She used all her willpower to stop herself from lashing out in defense of her girlfriend. But her anger was not just directed at Nia. She was also frustrated with herself, because whether she wanted to admit it or not, some of Nia’s words had hit home, to the heart of Lexa’s fears. All of her concerns were bubbling back to the surface as she forced herself to focus on Clarke, and listen to her new song._

_Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through_  
_Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you_  
_Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you_  
_Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you_  
_Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you_  
_Love, you're not alone_  
_No, I'm gonna stand by you_

_Lexa took in the lyrics and just knew this song was for her. She had always assumed that in a moment like this; her girlfriend singing a song written about her to an audience of enamored fans, she would feel love and pride, but instead she was experiencing an overwhelming sense of self-loathing. She hated herself for feeling this way. She hated herself for letting Clarke put her first. But mostly, she despised herself for the choice she knew she had to make. The people around her were clapping and cheering but Lexa began to unravel.  Her whole body was shaking, and she took careful steps backwards towards the elevator. Her bottom lip was tucked under her teeth, while she took in short, shallow breaths._

_Lexa pressed the button for the elevator and braved one last look at Clarke. She was still on stage, beaming, smile from ear to ear, as she accepted the crowds’ adoration. Clarke looked breathtaking, and Lexa knew she would never forget the sight of her in this moment._

_In front of her, the down arrow illuminated, and the elevator doors open with a DING!_

 

DING DONG! Lexa shot up in bed, startled by the sound of her doorbell. Pulled from the clutches of her subconscious, forcing her down memory lane, she was left sweating and gasping for air. She pushed the palms of her hands into her eyes and rubbed circles, scrubbing away the memories from her dream. Her right hand moved up to her forehead and then combed through her hair, breaking through the knots. She looked over to her clock which showed it was already 9:30a.

DING! DONG! The sound of her doorbell was followed by rapid banging. Lexa jumped up from the bed, stumbling through her dark bedroom and down the stairs.

The incessant knocking on her door continued until she angerly flung it open, only to be greeted by her sister and daughter.

“Uh oh.” Anya took one look at her sister, and knew that the previous evening had not gone well.

“Mama! Good morning! I had pancakes for breakfast!” Madi, oblivious to her mother’s somber disposition, eagerly entered her home, offering Lexa a quick hug before ambling inside and chattering on. “Is Clarke here? I wanna show her my trophy! It has a soccer player on it and Aunt Anya said it’s a statue of me! I’m not sure if that’s right though because everybody’s trophy looks mostly the same and Gretchen is a lot taller than me but her little person on her trophy isn’t tall.”

Lexa followed her daughter inside, picking up the bag and coat that trailed her. “That’s a great trophy, monkey. We should put it on a shelf in your room.”

Anya, too, followed the girls inside the house. She reached out and pulled Lexa close to her, whispering,“what’s going on? What happened with Clarke?” When Lexa offered no response, Anya continued her interrogation. “I had assumed the night went extremely well…if you know what I mean… but from the look on your face, it’s obvious things did not go smoothly.”

“Why did you assume things went well?”

Anya just gave her sister a look. “You didn’t answer my text last night or call me this morning. Why the hell do you think I was ringing the doorbell?” Lexa just shrugged, saying nothing. “I thought she might still be here, and was trying to warn you both before I came barging in with the kid. But this look,” Anya pointed at Lexa’s face, “is not the look of someone who FINALLY got laid. It actually looks like you have been crying. What gives?”

Lexa’s head titled up, shaking back and forth. Her mouth opened a fraction, but no words slipped out.

“Shit.” Anya muttered. “That bad,” she said, as more a statement than question. She walked back over to the front door, opening it and yelling out. “Aden! Get in here.”

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, after grabbing herself a juice box, Madi’s attention was back on her mother. “Is Clarke here?”

Lexa looked down at her daughter struggling to put on a smile. “No monkey, she had to go home.”

“When is she coming back?” Madi inquired.

“I’m not sure if she is sweetie. Clarke is very very busy.”

“She’ll be back. She promised.” Madi nodded her head with confidence and climbed onto the barstool.

“Promised what?”

“To see my room. It was a pinkie promise which is very strict. She won’t break it.”

Lexa wasn’t sure how to respond to this. She had very little confidence that Clarke would ever step foot in their home again, but she didn’t want to disappoint her daughter. Thankfully, the conversation was stopped by Anya’s reentry into the room, with Aden now in tow.

“Okay kids. Why don’t you go into the playroom and hang out?” Anya suggested to Aden and Madi.

“Mom! I thought we were going to the mall to do that virtual reality thing?” Aden whined.

“Did you think that?” Anya made a show of her sarcastic laughter. “Maybe we were, but that was BEFORE you skipped school and paid someone to pretend to be me.”

“It was for love, though!” Aden protested. “Love is supposed to conquer all, even punishment.”

Anya was amused, but kept her face impassive. “Nice try kid.” She gave Aden a slap on the back. “Guess your mom is just a cynic.”

Madi ran up to her cousin and grabbed his arm, dragging him towards her playroom. “Come on Aden! We can watch Incredibles 2!”

“Not again,” groaned Aden, and that was the last thing the two Woods sisters heard from their kids, before the door down the hallway was shut and they were left alone.

Anya silently guided Lexa to sit on the kitchen barstool. She then moved around the familiar kitchen with ease, preparing them both a cup of tea. Setting the hot beverage in front of her sister, she finally spoke. “Okay, now tell me everything.”

And Lexa did. She talked about her evening with Clarke, and how everything had gone well until they spoke about Costia; how Clarke flew off the rails at the mention of Lexa being heartbroken over their breakup. This statement then led to the LONG overdue story of what happened all those years ago in Los Angeles. Up until this point, Anya and her family knew very little about the Los Angeles trip. When Lexa had returned home thirteen years ago, she made it clear that she didn’t want to discuss Clarke. Anya had originally pushed for more information, but all she was ever told was that the relationship was over and Lexa had been the one to end it. Normally, Anya wouldn’t have let it go that easily, but at the time she was a new mother so her main focus was otherwise occupied. As the years passed and Lexa refused to elaborate on the break-up, the topic of Clarke became somewhat taboo amongst Lexa’s family and friends. But now, after all this time, all was being revealed and Anya had some serious opinions on the matter.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!”

Lexa’s head dropped into her hands and she rubbed up and down her face. “Anya, I don’t need this now. I was young and dumb and full of melodramatic flair, but I was doing what I thought was best for Clarke.”

Anya just shook her head in disbelief. “I’m so disappointed in you Lex. How could you do that to her?”

Lexa’s hands dropped to the counter and she looked back to her sister, desperately trying to explain. “I didn’t do it _to_ her, An. I did it _for_ her.”

 _“_ No, that’s bullshit, Lexa! Everyone should be the master of their own destiny, and you robbed Clarke of that.”

“I don’t have to listen to this.” Lexa pushed back from the counter and got up from her seat, but her path was impeded by Anya who, with lightning speed, rounded the counter island and stood before Lexa, forcing her to pay attention.

“No, you need to hear this. You made a choice that affected Clarke’s life, and like you said, you made it _for_ her and without her knowledge. That’s not right.”

“She wouldn’t have made the right choice!” The words exploded from Lexa, as she threw her hands in the air.

Anya’s eyebrows lowered as her forehead crinkled in disbelief at this statement from her sister. “Yeah? And who are you to decide what the right choice was? That’s Clarke’s life!”

“I know what she would have done. She would have made me a priority, putting everything else on the back burner and squandering her once in a lifetime opportunity. Everything that she has, everything that she has accomplished; she wouldn’t have ANY of that if I hadn’t done what I did.”

“Maybe… also maybe not,” Anya urged on. “You have no way of knowing, because you threw in the towel without giving yourselves a chance to even try.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. Clarke is happy and that’s all I ever wanted.”

“And how do you know that exactly?” Anya questioned, arms crossing over her chest.

“Just look at the evidence!” Lexa yelled back, arms pushing out in front of her, palms up. She paused for a moment, and glanced behind her. The door to the playroom was still closed, but she needed to keep her emotions in check so the kids wouldn’t overhear this discussion. Looking back to her sister, she continued on, in a softer voice. “She’s rich, famous, she stars in huge blockbuster movies. She has won Grammys!” Lexa checked behind her again before she quickly and quietly added, “she fucking brunches with Amy Adams!”

Anya was quick with her rebuttal. “And those are the things that make up a fulfilled life? Wait... Amy Adams… really,” she asked before coming back to her senses and rapidly shaking her head. “Nope, not the time.” Her lecture would not be derailed by name dropping Clarke’s famous friends.  “Seriously, Lexa, I didn’t think that I had to tell you that money doesn’t buy happiness.” Lexa rolled her eyes, but Anya continued on.  “Until a few days ago, you had not seen Clarke in thirteen years. You don’t know her anymore. You have no idea what’s in her heart. Maybe she’s happy, maybe she’s not, but you really don’t know. You are just making assumptions.” From the look in her sister’s eye, Anya could see she was gaining ground. Making her next point she added, “and frankly, someone who is blissful and living their best life, doesn’t hold on to the rage she apparently let loose on you last night.”

Several moments of silence followed as her sister’s words sunk in, before Lexa sighed out, “So what should I do?”

“What you need to do now, is the same thing you should have done thirteen years ago, and that’s talk to her.”

“She hates me, she won’t talk to me.”

“You don’t know that. Listen.” Anya placed her hands on each of Lexa’s shoulders and bent down slightly so they were even height. It was pep talk time. “You go to her in person and tell her you want to sit down and have a conversation. You owe it to yourself and to her to explain your reasoning for leaving her in LA.” She stood tall again before adding, “trust me, she will open the door to you. I’d bet my left tit on it.”

Surprised and emotional laughter emerged from Lexa, before she asked, “Just the left one? Not the right one?”

“Well the right one is my favorite. It’s perkier” was Anya’s deadpan response.

The sisters laughed for a moment together before Lexa took a deep breath, “Okay, I’m going to text her.” She glanced around the house looking for where she left her phone. She spotted it on the coffee table and went to grab it. The phone was in her hands for barely a moment before it was snatched away by Anya.

“Text? No, that won’t do. I said ‘in person’. From what I remember of Clarke, she can be a tad stubborn. Besides your offense was serious. This warrants a face to face response.”

“In person? You want me to just ambush her?” Lexa didn’t like that idea. She never stood up well to Clarke’s anger. She was better at calm, rational arguments. Clarke, however was all passion and fire, and frankly, for Lexa, it had always been a bit of a turn-on. She frequently lost her train of thought when Clarke was on the rampage, and it was to the blonde’s advantage.

“Too easy to ignore you via text. You have to confront her with those sad puppy eyes you have. Then she will fold.”

Lexa was still rather skeptical. “I don’t even know how to find her.”

“Let me take care of that. I’ll call Raven and get the intel. You go shower and put on some clothes that will remind her of your ASSets.” Anya’s mouth formed a ridiculous grin at the humor of her own juvenile joke. “Hehe…. Get it?”

“I can’t believe you are somebody’s mother.” Lexa threw the comment at her sister as she trudged up the stairs to make herself presentable.

“Seriously though,” Anya yelled after her, “I’m talking sexy bar hook-up clothes, no business attire or mommy-ware.”

 

Slightly over an hour later, after getting a good luck kiss from her daughter, a high five from her nephew, and a stinging ass slap from her sister; Lexa was in her car following the GPS, headed to Clarke’s hotel. Raven had readily supplied the information to Anya, mentioning that Lexa had better fix the singer’s foul mood.

The outfit they chose was a cotton gray sweater that fell off the shoulders over tight blue jeans and black, ankle cut boots. It was the best they could muster after Anya scavenged Lexa’s entire wardrobe. Evidently a single mother of an elementary school age child did not have much in the sexy wardrobe department. Especially not in winter. After further harassment from her own personal cupid from hell, Lexa did agree to put on more makeup than she wore on a typical day. So now, Lexa Woods was speeding along the highway with a smokey eye and her hair styled down in loose curls.

Her typical drive time soundtrack, when she was alone anyway, was NPR, however on this drive she felt she needed something a little more upbeat than the dreaded foreign interference conspiracy that was currently being analyzed through the speakers. She flipped the channel to one of the popular Top 40 stations.

_“Hey this is Rambling Ron and you are listening to Sunday Morning Call-In on KZIP99. We have got Ashley from Syracuse on the line. Ashley, what song are you looking to hear this morning?”_

_“Hi Ron, so my asshole boyfriend of 4 months just dumped me so he could date a girl in my hall. A girl I introduced him too. He is such a jerk!”_

_“Oh Ashley, so sorry to hear about your troubles, what can we play to help ease that pain?”_

_“I don’t want to ease the pain. I want him to know what an asshole he is. Can you play ‘Hate, I Really Don’t Like You’, by Clarke Griffin?”_

A horrible feeling rose up in Lexa’s stomach. Of course, it had to be on of Clarke’s songs that this girl was requesting. A thought popped into her brain, but she pushed it back. There was no way that this song of Clarke’s could be about her. Clarke must have had dozens of breakups through the years. This song could be about anyone.

_“Ok Ashley, hope you get over that guy soon. In the meantime, you asked for it and we obliged._

The opening notes of the song played, as the DJ continued speaking.

 _“Fun fact, this song is from Clarke Griffin’s debut album. In an interview, she stated that she wrote it about an ex who dumped her via email. OUCH! That had to hurt. Here it is, the ultimate break-up anthem, ‘Hate, I Really Don’t Like You’_.

“Shit.” That narrowed down the likelihood that the song was written about someone else. Lexa had never heard it before. After she left Clarke in LA, she actively tried to avoid any reminders of the singer, especially her voice on the radio. But now, with this timing, it seemed the fates were sending her a message. So, she turned up the sound, and listened as she drove, hoping that despite the title, maybe the song wouldn’t be too harsh.

You were everything I wanted  
You were everything a girl could be  
Then you left me brokenhearted  
Now you don't mean a thing to me  
All I wanted was your  
Love, love, love, love, love, love

Hate is a strong word  
But I really, really, really don't like you  
Now that it's over  
I don't even know what I liked about you  
Brought you around  
and you just brought me down  
Hate is a strong word  
but I really, really, really don't like you

I really don't like you

Thought that everything was perfect  
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?  
Thought you thought that I was worth it  
Now I think a little differently  
All I wanted was your  
Love, love, love, love, love, love

Hate is a strong word  
But I really, really, really don't like you  
Now that it's over  
I don't even know what I liked about you  
Brought you around  
and you just brought me down  
Hate is a strong word  
but I really, really, really don't like you

Now that it's over  
you can't hurt me  
Now that it's over  
you can't bring me down

All I wanted was your  
Love, love, love, love, love, love

Hate is a strong word  
But I really, really, really don't like you  
Now that it's over  
I don't even know what I liked about you  
Brought you around  
and you just brought me down  
Hate is a strong word  
but I really, really, really don't like you

I really don't like you

 

“Well fuck.” Lexa said out loud despite being alone in the car. She roughly flicked the radio off, deciding to drive the rest of the way in silence.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case it wasn't obvious, throughout this AU story, I will be taking popular songs from both male and female artists and writing them in as though they were written and performed by my fictional Clarke Griffin. Hopefully everyone is okay with that and it doesn't mess up the story for you. The songs in this chapter are:  
> -Stand by You, Rachel Platten  
> -(Hate) I Really Don't Like You, Plain White T's


	7. Chapter 7

“And then I left.” Clarke finished her story and waited. The other end of the phone was silent. “O? You still there?” Clarke had been driving for about fifteen minutes, silently fuming as she navigated back to the city, before she decided to call Octavia and give her an update. Octavia was really the only friend of Clarke’s who knew the whole Lexa saga, and that’s because she was there. She knew Lexa personally, she knew them together as a couple in college, and she had been there the very night their relationship abruptly ended.

 _“Yeah…I’m here,”_ came Octavia’s first words since the call had started.

“So yeah, I just stormed right out. And now, you know, I just, I think I have some closure on the whole thing.” Clarke put on an air of confidence, perhaps trying to convince herself more than her friend.

 _“Huh.”_ Was all Octavia offered. 

Clarke sensed she had more to say.  “What? What’s that ‘huh’?”

 _“I’m just trying to process”_ Octavia responded, innocently.

“No! You have a tone.” Clarke fired back.

_“Okay, do you want me to just be supportive and agree with everything you say, or do I need to be real and drop some truth bombs on you?”_

Clarke scoffed at the question. She loved Octavia dearly, but her friend was never the type of girl to hold your hand and cry while offering endless words of support. She was blunt. She told the truth, and never sugar coated her opinions. It was honest, and refreshing, but sometimes rather harsh and hard to take.

“Supportive! I want you to be supportive and just agree with me.” Clarke was already unsure of herself, and was fairly certain that Octavia’s words would not make her feel better about what had just transpired.

 _“Ok, fine.”_ Octavia paused for a moment before putting on an obnoxiously upbeat and utterly sarcastic tone. _“Good Job Clarke!  You made some great decisions tonight. You yelled at a widow who was telling you about her dead wife, Then, you stormed out before you could get an answer to the question that has been torturing you for over a decade. I totally support you and in no way think you made a huge mistake.”_

A moment of silence passed when Octavia finished speaking before Clarke sighed loudly, “Thank you for that.”

_“You’re welcome. Now what are you going to do?”_

“What the fuck can I do? I can’t turn around and go back. That would be a whole other level of psycho.”

 _“You could call,”_ Octavia suggested.

Clarke thought about it for a moment, wondering how that conversation would go. “No, I don’t think I should. You’re right, I probably could have handled the situation better but what’s done is done. I’m sure she’s not losing any sleep over it. Besides, I’ve said what I needed to say. I have completely moved on, and I’m totally over it now.”

 

Octavia let out of snort of disbelief. _“Babe, I can’t tell if you are lying to me or just yourself. First; you have not COMPLETELY moved on, cause if you had, you wouldn’t have felt the need to personally escort her kid home._ ”

“I just wanted to be sure she was safe and...” Clarke insisted.

Her explanation was quickly cut off by Octavia. “ _Tut tut tut… I’m talking now. If you were ONLY concerned about safety you would have dropped the kid and not waited around for Lexa, and THEN completely reorganized your schedule to drive out to the boonies just to see her again.”_

“But..” Clarke hardly opened her mouth before her friend hastily continued.

“ _AND…. still not done…. If you were 100% over it, you would not have yelled at her like you did_.”

Mouth still open, Clarke racked her brain for a rebuttal, but came up empty. She just sighed in resignation.

Octavia took that as her cue to continue. _“Clarke, I know you are better now, but I remember how messed up you were after Lexa left you, so don’t bullshit me. And believe me, you know that I was Vice President and a dues paying member of the ‘We Hate Lexa Woods Club’. And I still agree that what she did to you was shit. It was all kinds of fucked up. But when it comes down to it, we were kids, and kids are dumb and make mistakes. If you still want to be mad and hold a grudge, that’s your right. And if that’s the case, then don’t contact her again. You released some of your anger, told her what you thought of what she did, and that’s enough.”_

Octavia’s tone dropped minutely, her voice, laced with sympathy. _“Just remember that this woman has lost her wife and the mother of her child. That’s fucking traumatizing, and all things considered, her problems and issues blow an age-old breakup out of the water.”_

“Yeah I know,” Clarke agreed.

“ _Don’t get me wrong. Your rage was earned, but at this point, it’s ancient history, and reliving the anger and betrayal will not benefit either of you._ ”

Clarke, nodded her head in agreement. Even though Octavia could not see the blonde, she knew that she was starting to see reason.

Clarke’s eyes took in the looming towers lighting up the skyline as she got closer to the city. Octavia was still speaking on the other end of the phone, her tone serious.   _“But what I can suggest is a calm talk. Because, sweetie, I love you, but I know that when Lexa left you it messed you up. All your relationships since; you are never comfortable. You never fully trust your partner. It doesn’t take a $300 per hour psychiatrist to figure out where that comes from. So, if you think you can move past your anger and actually talk to Lexa calmly, I think you should reach out. Because you do deserve an explanation as to what happened back then, and why she did what she did_.”

“You’re right. I know you are right. I just don’t know if I even want to open up that can of worms. This whole thing happened so fast, and I didn’t think things through. When I heard Madi say her name, I was so surprised and excited. I just really wanted to see her, so I went, without thinking about it.”

_“Yeah but doesn’t that kind of say it all right there?”_

“What do you mean?”

Unbeknownst to the singer, Octavia rolled her eyes. Clarke was normally a smart and astute woman, except when it came to analyzing her own feelings. In that regard, she had always been bit obtuse. _“When you heard her name, your first instinct was excitement, and you wanted to see her. It wasn’t anger or hate or indifference even. You were happy.”_

“I WAS happy, but then….” Inside her car, Clarke cringed, remembering how she so quickly lost her temper.

“ _Then… quick trigger Clarke emerged_.” Octavia finished for her, invoking an old nickname Clarke earned due to her tendency to explode in anger with no notice and then instantly calm back down after her vent session.

“Exactly. I just turned into an anger ball.” Clarke whined reflecting again on the last hour and her inability to control herself.

“ _Well, you’re human.”_

“I guess.” Clarke pulled up to her hotel and flipped her indicator light to make a right turn into the entrance for valet. “Thanks for the talk, O. I think I’m just going to go back to my room, have my own little pity party and forget any of this ever happened.” As the traffic cleared, Clarke pulled into valet lane and noticed a small group of people waiting around the hotel entrance. “Shit, I gotta jump off. There are a few people around, so I may need to call security to help me get inside. Talk later?”

_“Sure. Love you babe.”_

“Love you back,” Clarke replied before pressing the red button on her phone and ending the call. She pulled up to the valet stand and jumped out of the car quickly. After the car pulled around, the group of people began yelling out her name, arms stretched towards her with phones and posters in hand. Deducing that the group was small enough, Clarke jogged over, took several selfies, and signed some items before quickly slipping away into the relative safety of the hotel lobby.  While waiting for the elevator to arrive, Clarke thought more about her phone conversation with her relationship consigliere. Octavia had been right; Clarke knew she made a mistake in handling her resurfacing anger towards her ex.  In the moment, it had felt so good to vent out her frustrations and wrath as a woman scorned, but she knew the timing had been inappropriate. Then, on top of that, after she yelled at Lexa, she was so fired up that she just stormed out of the house. Just stormed right out without getting any answers.

When Lexa left her, Clarke was heartbroken. She felt abandoned by a woman who was not just her girlfriend, but also her best friend. Lexa was supposed to be her forever person, the one who she would spend her life with. Then in the blink of an eye, it was over. Had Clarke still been a young college student, she may very well have fallen into a pit of despair, locking herself in her room and wallowing in the dark space for months on end. But as it was, she had just signed a major record deal that kept her insanely busy. Grieving was not an option as her days were packed with writing sessions, studio time, interviews and meet and greets. During her creative process, she channeled all of her emotions about Lexa into the music and the end result was a Grammy winning album exploding with passion. Shortly after Clarke finished with the album, Octavia moved back to Los Angeles for pilot season, earned a role on a new television show, and the two moved in together. O’s recipe for a broken heart include a lot of booze, drugs, music, and make-outs.  The two girls soon embodied the wild, reckless, party lifestyle of young, sexy, celebrities in Hollywood. Years passed by in a blur of nightclubs, tour buses, smoke filled rooms, and hungover mornings with attractive strangers. Through it all, Clarke had taken her feelings for her first love and locked them away, numbing them and burying them deep down in the corner of her heart.

However, while Clarke was able to move on and successfully hide away her feelings, one aspect of the break-up did still bother her, and frankly, it did affect her relationships. That was the question: why. Why had Lexa just suddenly decided to terminate their relationship? This was a question that Clarke had been quietly obsessed with for years. It tortured her. In her mind, she had been in a steady, strong, loving relationship. For it to have ended in such a brutal fashion was traumatizing. The question of “why” had prevented Clarke from ever feeling comfortable and truly safe in a relationship since. Of course, she could have forced the issue, and confronted Lexa in the years following the email, but she was too stubborn for that. Instead she just used her quiet, lonely moments to obsess; constructing and dismissing a multitude of theories in explanation. Was Lexa intimidated by her success? That didn’t seem right. Lexa, had always been Clarke’s biggest champion. Had she met someone else? While it was a logical assumption, it still seemed unlikely. Lexa had always been devoted to Clarke. Throughout high school and college, the blonde had witnessed her soccer star girlfriend become the subject of infatuation for many eager co-eds, but Lexa never paid them any attention. It always seemed like she had blinders on, blocking out attention from anyone other than Clarke. The singer had of course still investigated this theory by reaching out to some friendly spies on campus. But per their reports, Lexa didn’t seem to date anyone when she returned to school. After considering the more obvious explanations, Clarke even contemplated some more far-fetched notions such as: turning straight, terminal illness, body snatchers, or joining the mafia. Yep, she had pondered a vast array of theories over the years, but that’s all they were; theories. The only person who would ever be able to give her the truth was Lexa. And now she had dismissed her chance. And she felt like a fucking idiot.

Clarke opened the door to her suite and entered the dark room. The clock on the side table read 9:02pm. Talking out loud to herself, the singer grumbled “Plenty of time for a full-on pity party” as she reached for the room service menu.

 

The next morning, Clarke was awakened from her sleep by the constant vibrating of her phone against the wooden bedside nightstand. With the privacy shades drawn, the bedroom was completely dark, save for the illuminating iphone, which was spazzing around in circles under the force of the vibrations. She lifted her head a fraction and peeked one eye open to check the screen. It was Raven. With a huff, she swung her arm over and pressed decline. She had just turned over in bed, when the vibrations commenced again. She reached back, snatching the phone and hit accept.

“What?” she yelled harshly into the speaker.

_“Whoa. Good morning to you too, Princess.”_

“Why the fuck are you calling me?” Clarke was impatient and tired, and was in no mood for Raven’s humor this morning.

_“Dude, it’s after 11am, I didn’t think I would actually be waking you up.”_

“Well you did, so what was so damn important?”

 _I wanted to check in, see what’s on the agenda today. Also,”_ she added in a sing-songy voice, _“see how last night went.”_

“And that’s the reason you called multiple times?” Clarke barked back. “Sleeping is on my agenda, Ray. I’m fucking exhausted. Next time, take the damn hint when I don’t answer the phone.”

 _“Jeez Clarke!_ Raven’s tone had now morphed from jovial to defensive. “ _Can you tell me where you are exactly_?”

“I’m in my bed.”

“ _Yes, but clearly you are on the wrong side of it. Wanna scooch over to the other side, wake up again, and call me back?”_ Raven had been Clarke’s assistant for six years and their relationship was comfortable enough that she never took shit from her boss.

“You have the day off, don’t annoy me or bother me again unless it’s a freaking five alarm emergency. Talking threat level midnight here,” Clarke demanded.

 _“Fine.”_ Raven ended the call without another word and Clarke dropped her phone to her side on the bed. She pulled the blankets up to her chin and curled into the fetal position. After ten minutes under the covers, she realized she would not be able to fall back to sleep and threw the blankets off in a huff. Groaning, she stretched out and looked around the room. Last night she had spent the evening binge-watching Superstore on Hulu and eating junk food from room service. On the floor laid empty plates that had held, chicken fingers, truffle mac and cheese, a crème Brule and a chocolate mouse cheesecake. Her stomach rumbled in protest from the over indulgence in junk food. As she got out of bed, she tripped on an empty bottle of red wine before heading into the bathroom. The bright lights forced her to squint as she took in her reflection in the mirror. Her hair was wild and a mess of tangles in the back. Her skin seemed puffy, likely from the massive amounts of calories and wine, and her eyes were bloodshot. She ran some water over her face and removed makeup that she failed to take off before going to bed. As she brushed her teeth, Clarke headed back into the bedroom and grabbed her phone. Now that she was slightly more awake, she realized how rude she had been to her assistant.

 **Clarke (11:33a):** Sorry I was such a grumpy bitch on the phone. I’m in a mood, but you didn’t deserve the sass. Forgive me?

Her friend’s reply was immediate.

 **Raven (11:33a):** Yeah yeah, I always pardon your moods Princess. Are you okay? Wanna talk about it?

 **Clarke (11:33a):** Not right now. I’ll tell you later. I think I just want to hibernate today.

 **Raven (11:34a):** Okay, well let me know if you need me to do anything.

 **Clarke (11.34a):** I will. Thanks bud.

She traded out her phone for the television remote and resumed watching Season 3 of Superstore, before a tone chimed again, alerting her to another text.

 **Raven (11:39a):** since I so graciously forgave your diva tantrum, you have to do me one favor.

 **Clarke (11:40a):** And that is?

 **Raven (11:40a):** I know you are hibernating, but promise me you will at least shower and put on fresh PJs instead of just wallowing in your own filth. If I know you, you prob got into room service last night. Tell me true, do you have the meat sweats?

 **Clarke (11:41a):** ……maybe

 **Raven (11:41a):** SHOWER BITCH! That’s my demand. Trust me you will feel better.

Clarke decided not to respond, but she did always pay her debts. Therefore, twenty minutes later, she emerged from her bathroom, hair damp and body wet, fresh from a burning hot shower. She threw on some sweats and was contemplating ordering a crepe for breakfast when there was a faint knock on the door.

Rolling her eyes, Clarke headed toward the door yelling, “Raven! I said I wanted to be alone!”

“It’s not Raven.” Came an eerily familiar voice, softly from behind the door.

Clarke stopped dead in her tracks. She would know that voice anywhere. How had Lexa found her? Clarke wondered that for a moment before moving on to the more urgent matter. She looked around her room. The place was a mess. Clothes were strewn about and her room service leftovers were on the floor as disgusting evidence of her night of indulgence. At least she had showered. ‘Oh…. _Oh’_ Well, that explained Raven’s hygiene demand, and likely how Lexa found her.

“Go away Lexa” she yelled towards the door. ‘Shit, why did I say that?’ she asked herself. ‘What if she actually just leaves?’ Clarke began to panic.

 “Please Clarke, I need to talk to you. I want to explain.” Came her ex’s muffled reply.

Clarke sagged in relief before rushing around the room, frantically picking up clothes and throwing them into a closet, safety out of view. She had every intention of opening the door, but she was stubborn and didn’t want to give in too easily.

“It’s been 13 years. The window for offering an explanation has closed!” she yelled over her shoulder.” Plus, failing to immediately give in would buy her a few more moments to tidy up.

“Come on. Please open the door” Lexa begged.

Clarke was running a brush through her hair when she replied, “No! I told you last night I didn’t want to do this.” The silence that followed terrified the blonde and sent her scrambling out of the bathroom and towards to the door, worried she had pushed Lexa too far and the woman had left.

As she was about to cave; preparing to chase Lexa down in the hallway, she heard a light huff come from behind the door, followed by, “But I’m not just here for me. I’m also here for Madi. You still have not seen her room. And I believe you made her a promise.”

From inside the room, Clarke’s eyes narrowed while Lexa continued, “a promise involving pinkies. Those are sacred to kids. You don’t want to destroy her faith in pinkie power do you?”

Clarke’s mouth dropped, gaping. She immediately grabbed the door and flung it open, coming face to face with a bashful looking Lexa Woods. “Wow,” Clarke said. “You are stooping so low as to use your daughter against me?”

Lexa just shrugged. “Got to work with the weapons I have.”

“Dirty trick” Clarke muttered, but she moved aside, pulling the door wider and holding out her open hand as an invitation for Lexa to enter; which she did wordlessly.

Clarke closed the door and circled around Lexa, who had only taken a few steps inside. The two women awkwardly stood silent, before Clarke asked “Do you want to sit down?” gesturing to the couch. When Lexa moved to sit, Clarke quickly moved around her and pulled the double doors leading into the bedroom shut. With her back to the brunette, she started. “Listen Lex, I’m sorry about last night.” She turned to face her ex who was now sitting straight up, on the edge of the couch. “I didn’t meet you with the intention of re-opening old wounds, or yelling at you for something that is ancient history. Especially when you were just telling me about your wife.”

Immediately, Lexa began shaking her head. “No Clarke. You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one who is sorry. I know it was forever ago, but it was still insensitive of me to just brush over our breakup like I did.”

“That’s the thing though Lexa. It wasn’t a break-up” Clarke blurted. Her voice steadily rose higher as she went on. “What you did to me was abandonment. You walked out on me with no notice and no reason and basically treated me like I was a one-night stand or a weekend hook-up you were trying to ditch!” It was full on yelling by the time Clarke finished. Lexa gave no response, just looked down into her lamp, ashamed.

Clarke took deep fast breaths, before closing her eyes and shaking her head at herself. “Shit” she whispered, before continuing on in a normal voice. “And I did it again.” The blonde walked over the couch and threw herself on it, sitting a foot away from the brunette. “Clearly, I have some residual anger in me.”

Lexa turned so the two were facing each other. “No Clarke, you have every right to yell. I deserve this.”

“I don’t want to fight Lex, but I do need to know why. You came out to LA to celebrate with me, and then you left me at the party.”

“You were so busy at that party I barely saw you all night, I didn’t even think you would notice I left.” Lexa muttered, but immediately regretted her statement when she saw the look on Clarke’s face.

Eyes wide and brows raised, Clarke looks indignant. “Seriously? You were mad because I didn’t pay enough attention to you at a party? I was working and making connections. I thought you supported me?”

Lexa covered her face with her hand, annoyed at her own stupidity, before backtracking. “Shit, I don’t even know why I said that.” She looked back at Clarke.  “I did support you. I did and I do and that’s why I left.” Clarke still looked annoyed and confused, as Lexa reassured, “it had nothing to do with anything at the party really, that was just the culmination of everything, and became the tipping point for things I had been feeling for a while.”

Clarke’s postured relaxed a bit and she settled back into the couch. Emotions were high, but she was determined to keep herself calm. “I don’t understand.” She shook her head again, “please Lex, explain it to me.” She was becoming desperate. She knew she was so close to the truth.  “Tell me something that makes sense, that will make me understand why you threw it all away. I need to know why.”

Lexa swallowed and looked straight into Clarke’s blue eyes. It was time to tell her everything.

“Clarke” she paused, taking a deep breath, “I loved you so much. That’s why I left.”

“That doesn’t make sense.” Clarke jumped in but Lexa quieted her with a raised hand, pleading “Just.. please. Please promise to let me get this all out before you respond, okay?”

Clarke nodded her head in agreement. Lexa took a deep breath and started again.

“I loved you. I loved you so much it was overwhelming at times. You were everything to me; hands down the most important person in my life. I would have done anything for you.” She paused before adding, “and I knew you felt the same about me. I knew you did, but I never really knew why.”

Clarke wanted to ask questions, but true to her word she remained silent. Lexa was finally disclosing insecurities that she had suffered from throughout her relationship to Clarke, but had never discussed with anyone.  

“I never thought I was worthy of you. You were just like this huge beam of light. You were warm and happy and smart and talented and fun, and everyone was drawn to you. It’s just this magic you possess, and you reel people in. Everybody wanted to be in your orbit, but for some crazy reason, you chose me, and I could never figure out why. I had been in love with you from the very moment I saw you, but it was a fantasy. But then something happened, and suddenly my life changed because you loved back.”

Both women looked at each other, small smiles on their face. Little did they know they were both mentally revisiting the same memory of the night they had traded ‘I love yous’ for the first time. It had been the night of the winter Turnabout dance, their sophomore year. They were slow dancing to Alicia Keys’s “If I Ain’t Got You” when Lexa nervously whispered to Clarke “I love you” and Clarke had responded “Duh! I know you do, but I love you more.” That had been the first time they both said ‘I love you’ to anyone, and from that moment on “If I Ain’t Got You” had become their song.

Lexa brought her mind back to the present and continued her confession.

“I didn’t question it. I just embraced my good fortune. And as time went on, I believed I would make it work. I was going to be someone worthy of you. I had a plan for us. I would play soccer professionally and you would be a famous singer and we would travel the world together. I had it all figured out. I thought you could schedule shows the same cities I had games and that way we wouldn’t have to ever be apart for too long.” Lexa stopped to chuckle at her own teenage naiveite. “Of course, as I’m saying this now, I do know what an idealistic and unrealistic plan that was, but back then I thought it made sense, and I was sure it was going to work. I always knew that you were bound for greatness. And for me, soccer was my shot at something big. My way to elevate myself so that I was worthy of being with someone of your caliber. But then the injury happened, and all my plans just exploded. And I lost the thing that made me special, made me someone who deserved to be with you. And I struggled with that.”

Lexa finally broke eye contact with Clarke, looking down to her lap and taking a quick breather. It was hard for her to talk about all of this. It was so long since she had talked about Clarke, and now here she was for the second time today, recounting the events and feelings that led to one of the two darkest times in her life. She was able to continue when she felt Clarke’s soft hand reach over and cover her own, giving a small squeeze as a gesture of comfort.

“But I think I could have gotten past that, I would have done something, made something of myself to become worthy of you. But that wasn’t the only issue. There was another problem.”

Lexa looked up, once again locking eyes with the woman beside her.

“You, Clarke. You were a problem. You are just so damn stubborn.” The blonde looked affronted but didn’t speak, still allowing Lexa to continue uninterrupted as she had promised.

“One in million, hell one in ten million people make it big as singers. And you, you had the skill and the talent and you had opportunity knocking at your door. But you were throwing it away. You were throwing it away for me and you didn’t even realize it!” Lexa was starting to break, her words coming faster, and her voice cracking, as she fought against her emotions. “I could see it happening. You kept putting me first. Your career should have been your priority but you were risking it all for me. And I let you! I saw it happening and I let you do it because I was selfish. I was so selfish, and I loved you so much and I didn’t want you to go.”

By now, Lexa eyes were watering with not yet shed tears and she was struggling to take shaky breaths, fighting the urge to cry. Clarke kept holding her hand, and started to rub soothing circles with her thumb.

“I was sad and hurt and I missed you, so I let you leave that tour. And then I watched you give up gigs and cancel rehearsals so you could take care of me. And I knew it was wrong but I let you do it because I needed you.” With one hand still being held by Clarke, Lexa used the other to quickly wipe away the tears threatening to fall. The pause, gave her a moment to collect herself as she came to the penultimate portion of the story.

“But then you got signed, and you moved to LA even though I had to stay back. And I thought you were finally putting yourself first, and I was happy for you. I wanted that for you, and I was so fucking proud of you. So, I came in for that party. But that’s where I discovered that you still were not giving it your all. You were holding back. Or rather, I was holding you back. I found out that you almost got sued by the label.”

A look of surprise crossed Clarke’s face, and she pulled her hand back in shock. She had never told Lexa about that, and always assumed that her girlfriend never knew. She wondered how it was that she found out.

Lexa stopped only momentarily at the loss of contact from Clarke’s hand before she added, “And you almost missed a show, the very show that got you your deal. And you were blowing off writing sessions to spend more time with me and and ….” She took a long deep breath, “I just knew.”

Swallowing hard, she finished, “I was lost and drowning. I was an anchor and I was pulling you down with me. And I couldn’t let that happen. So, I cut myself lose, because I knew you never would. I realized it when you were singing that song at the party, “Stand By You”. I knew you were talking about me, and by the time the song was over I had made up my mind. I left the party, went back to your apartment, packed my bags, rented a car, and decided to drive back home.”

Lexa took a deep breath. She had done it. It was all out in the open now, and it had felt good to get this off her chest. She now just had to wait for a reaction. For her part Clarke, was still silent. Her eyes were moving across Lexa’s face as if studying her. Lexa was very much the same as she had always been, but now Clarke was seeing her in a different light. Understanding things that she had missed before. It was like when you watch a movie as a kid, a movie you watched dozens of times, a movie you loved. Then years go by without seeing it. But the days comes, when you are much older and you watch the movie again, and you realize all the things you missed before. You suddenly understand jokes and references that you ignored when you were a kid, and it makes the movie that much better. Clarke was understanding a side to Lexa that had always been there, but she had never noticed when they were young.

Clarke stared at Lexa, for what seemed like an eternity, before she finally decided to put the brunette out of her misery and speak.

“I have questions,” she stated, simply.

“Oh, yeah of course. Okay uh, okay. Like what?” Lexa stuttered out.

“First, the easy one,” Clarke began. “How did you know about the lawsuit? And the Grounders gig, and the writing sessions? I never told you any of that.”

“Bellamy told me at the party.”

Rage flew into Clarke’s eyes, she jumped up to her feet and she snarled out, “That son of a bitch! He had no right to interfere with..”

“No, no no no” Lexa urgently cut Clarke off, standing and reaching out to calm her down. “Don’t be mad at him,” she insisted, trying to clarify the circumstances. “It wasn’t anything nefarious if that’s where your head is going.” Clarke seemed to calm down, but her eyes were still narrowed, silently insisting on further explanation.

“We were both a little drunk, and were just chatting. He was friendly. He briefly mentioned the lawsuit and I led him to believe I already knew about it, so we talked more. I wanted information from him about how you were doing. He was buzzed and I used that to my advantage. Honestly, he was just talking, he didn’t mean any harm by anything that was said. I just drew my own conclusions.”

Clarke seem satisfied with this answer. It did make sense, and she knew her manager to be chatty after a few drinks. She slowly sat back on the couch, readying her next question. Lexa followed her lead and sat back down too. They both seemed to know what was coming next.

“The email?” Clarke started. “Why an email? Because that fucking stung Lex. I may be able to wrap my head around your warped reasoning for breaking off our relationship, but to do it in an email? It made me feel like I meant nothing to you.”

Clarke bit her lip. She was also struggling to keep tears at bay. Even after all this time, the memories of that evening still made her queasy. After her performance at the party, she was bombarded by people and forced into endless conversations with music reps, agents, and other artists, but the whole time her eyes were darting around, searching for Lexa. It was so hard to get free. She was the woman of the hour and she barely had time to move around the room to look for her love before she would be accosted by a stranger desperate for her attention. Eventually she rounded the whole roof and couldn’t find her girlfriend anywhere. She texted and called and asked around. It was the coat check girl at the front who, after hearing Clarke’s description, mentioned that Lexa had left nearly an hour ago. Clarke tried calling Lexa several more times before she decided to leave the party. She instructed her driver to take her home, and was sitting in the backseat of the car when the email came through on her phone. She read it thoroughly maybe three times before arriving at her apartment. She just couldn’t understand it, assuming it was a joke. It didn’t hit her until she went inside and discovered that all traces of her girlfriend’s presence had vanished. She crumpled into a ball on the hardwood floor of that apartment, sobbing, and didn’t get up until Octavia barged in 14 hours later.

Now it was Lexa’s turn to reach out and grab Clarke’s hand, offering reassurance. “You were not nothing. You were everything to me.”

She tried to explain her motives the best she could. “I was packing my bags when I got your first call. I panicked. If I saw you or heard your voice, I knew I wouldn’t have the strength to leave. So, I hurried up and bolted with my stuff. By the time I was in the cab on the way to the car rental place, you had called several times. I knew you wouldn’t give up if I just disappeared, so I wrote the email. I didn’t text because I didn’t want you to see it right away. And honestly, I also knew how offended you would be by an email. I meant it to be harsh. I hoped that if it was bad enough, you might just hate me and not try to reach me, if only out of spite.”

“Ha” Clarke let out a laugh and sniffled. “Guess you knew me pretty well.”

The two giggled together quietly, both emotionally drained from the conversation. Lexa jumped slightly when Clarke loudly slapped her hands together before declaring, “I need a drink.” She got up and walked to the mini bar, shouting back, “you want one?”

“Sure?” Lexa answered, as more of a question. Clarke returned to the couch with two small bottles of tequila, and two beers. They both reached for the liquor first and down the mini bottles in one swig. Clarke sat back, opening her beer. Lexa was still on the edge of the couch. She hadn’t touched the beer yet. She was uncomfortable.

“Thanks Clarke.”

The blonde had been starring off into space, but now turned her attention towards Lexa.

“Thanks for what?” she asked.

“For listening to me. I appreciate you allowing me to explain myself.”

“Well,” Clarke took another swig of her beer, “I wanted to know. And now I do.” Silence loomed before Clarke added, “I just wish you would have talked to me back then. Let me know how you were feeling. I think if you had, it could have turned out different.”

“I’m sorry Clarke. I really am. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t regret it, but it all worked out didn’t it. Look at where you are.” Lexa gestured around to the room, using its opulence as evidence of all Clarke had gained. “I just wanted what’s best for you Clarke. I… I still do.”

“You should have trusted that I know what’s best for me.” Clarke got off the couch and started walking into the other room. As she moved around, she spoke to Lexa. “I’m going to do something now and it’s going to be corny as hell, but you just have to go along with it.” She returned to the couch with a phone in her hand, looking for something on the device, as she continued speaking. “I have so many thoughts and emotions going on that I can’t express everything. So, this gesture will just have to do.” She pressed a button on her phone and music started playing loudly in the room, coming from some hidden speakers Lexa hadn’t even noticed. Clarke looked down to Lexa, still sitting on the couch. “Do you remember this song?” she asked.

“Of course I do.” The familiar chords of _If I Ain’t Got You_ , by Alicia Keys were now teeming through the room. Clarke offered her hand to Lexa. “Dance with me?”

Lexa took the offered hand, standing up and wrapped her arms around the bottom of Clarke’s waist. The blonde, in turn, moved her arms over Lexa’s shoulders and they began moving to the music, high school dance style.

Clarke looked Lexa in the eyes. “This was our song, remember?” Lexa nodded. “Good. And you remember the lyrics?”

“I... I think so?” Lexa answered. Suddenly Clarke, pulled Lexa closer to they were cheek to cheek. “Listen to them again,” she whispered. And Lexa did. As they danced to the music, she concentrated on the words.

 

 Some people live for the fortune  
Some people live just for the fame  
Some people live for the power, yeah  
Some people live just to play the game

Some people want it all  
But I don't want nothing at all  
If it ain't you baby  
If I ain't got you baby  
Some people want diamond rings  
Some just want everything  
But everything means nothing  
If I ain't got you, yeah

Lexa tried to listen, but it was hard to concentrate with Clarke’s body so firmly pushed up against her. Their bodies fit together perfectly and it felt so right.

Some people search for a fountain  
That promises forever young  
Some people need three dozen roses  
And that's the only way to prove you love them

 

As the two moved together, dancing, Clarke pulled back slightly to look at Lexa again. “This was our song for a reason.  Not just because we danced to it when I said I loved you. But because these lyrics expressed how I felt about you.”

 

Hand me the world on a silver platter  
And what good would it be  
With no one to share, with no one who truly cares for me

 

At this point, Clarke softly began to sing along with the song.

Some people want it all  
But I don't want nothing at all  
If it ain't you baby  
If I ain't got you baby  
Some people want diamond rings  
Some just want everything  
But everything means nothing  
If I ain't got you

 

She stopped singing so she could admit, “and I’m realizing it might express how I STILL feel about you.”

Lexa’s eyes widened, never in her wildest dreams and she thought Clarke could ever have feelings for her again. She hadn’t even dared to hope. “Really?” she asked.

Clarke nodded, a nervous smile on her face. “Really.”

If I ain't got you with me baby  
So nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing  
If I ain't got you with me baby

The song ended and the two former lovers stopped dancing and just stood, holding each other. “So, what do you think?” Clarke asked Lexa.

Lexa opened her mouth to answer, but the song started playing again. Clarke pulled out of Lexa’s grasp and turned to hit the pause button on her phone “Okay, listening to it twice might be excessive.” She turned back around and was greeted by Lexa who had a dumb grin on her face, but tears running down her cheeks.

“Shit. I’m sorry Lex. This was too much and too soon. I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“Shut up Clarke.”

“Excuse me?” Clarke was confused and just slightly annoyed by Lexa’s demand.

“You didn’t make me upset.”

“Oh. Okay then. Soooo……?”

“Leaving you was one of the biggest regrets of my life, especially the way that I did it. I would say it was a mistake, but I can’t do that, because it led me on a path that got me Madi. And I wouldn’t change that for a second.”

Clarke nodded, her own tears beginning to fall as Lexa went on. “But I have to admit, that I never could completely rid myself of my feelings for you. And I did love Costia. I did. She was special and she was good for me, and we worked together. I loved her. And then she died, and this cloud just came over me. I was living in this muted world on auto pilot.”

The tears were steadily flowing on both women as Lexa confessed her feelings. “And if I didn’t have Madi, I’m not sure I would have been able to get through it. But I did. I just learned to live in a haze of sorrow.”

Clarke pulled Lexa into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.”

Lexa pulled back just slightly to face Clarke. “But the point is. The very moment I saw you, for the first time in years; the clouds parted” Lexa laughed completely overcome with joy. “My Sky Girl was back, and I could finally feel the sun again.”

Clarke laughed too. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she felt lightheaded. “So, you’re saying you kinda like me?”

“That is correct.”

Clarke smirked. “Then prove it.”

And Lexa did. Without hesitation, she pulled Clarke into a deep, passionate kiss, giving it everything she had.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for their patience and all the very nice comments. Apologies that this took so long. I was a bit stuck on how to transition from the "day after" and then just got busy with life. Hope you like it.

“Well that was unexpected.” Lexa announced after Clarke rolled off of her and cuddled into her side.

“Yeah, for me too” the blonde agreed. She bit her lip and glanced up at Lexa’s face, “Are you okay with it?”

Lexa smiled and kissed Clarke on the forehead. “More than okay. I think I really needed that.” She pulled Clarke closer and began running her finger along her lover’s spine. “It’s actually been awhile for me,” she added sheepishly.

“Yeah well, I couldn’t tell,” Clarke reassured, as she lifted her hand to caress Lexa’s ribcage, tracing the tattoos in her skin. “You are still pretty damn decent at it.”

“Yeah?” She asked. The blonde just nodded, before Lexa responded. “You are not too bad yourself. Although,” Lexa shook her head slightly and threw her left arm over her eyes, hiding her embarrassment. “I think you probably knew that already, based on how quickly I came.”

“Aw baby!” Clarke chuckled and leaned up to kiss the brunette’s cheek. “You only came fast the first time. The other two times took much more effort on my part.”

Lexa removed her arm and turned her head towards the singer. “Wow! That was impressive, Clarke. You managed to make me feel better and subtly boast about your sexual prowess all in the same sentence.”

Clarke laughed. “What can I say, I’m the master of the humble brag.”

Lexa responded with a playful slap to Clarke’s arm and the two laughed before settling back in each other’s warm embrace. They laid there for the next few hours; chatting, kissing, dozing, and reveling in their happiness. Eventually, however, Lexa was forced to burst their bubble when she noticed the time.

“Hey, I should be headed out,” she whispered into the mop of Clarke’s hair.

“No” the blonde groaned. “I’m comfy. You don’t need to go.” She tightened her grip on Lexa, but the brunette gently pried her hands off and sat up.

“Trust me, I would love to lay here with you all day and night but I have to get back to real life.”

“Real life?” Clarke questioned as Lexa squirmed out of her embrace and threw her legs over the side of the bed and started searching for her clothing.

“Yes, and it’s very glamorous.” Lexa grabbed her jeans and pulled them on, jumping up from the mattress. She quickly scanned the room before spotting her bra on the floor near the foot of the bed. “It’s a school night. I have to organize dinner, check Madi’s homework, and do a few hours of prep for a meeting tomorrow.”

“Sounds exciting” Clarke muttered as she slowly rolled to the edge of the bed, dragging herself up.

“Well, it’s no Hollywood movie premiere, but it is my life.”

“You are such an adult. It’s weird.”

Lexa laughed as she moved out to the main room, Clarke made her way over to the closet, grabbing her blue silk robe and wrapping it securely around her body before following Lexa out of the bedroom. By now Lexa was dressed and was sitting on the sofa putting on her shoes. She looked up as Clarke neared and scoffed as her eyes took in the women standing in front of her.

“Seriously?” She exclaimed.

“What?” asked Clarke, unsure as to what was causing Lexa’s outburst.

“Do you have to look sexy in everything?”

Clarke smirked and put her hand her hip as she listened to Lexa’s joking rant.

“I mean, give me a break here!” Lexa demanded as she stood from the couch. “It’s taking all my will power to leave this room, and you come after me in that skimpy little……” she gestured dramatically to Clarke’s ensemble.

“Robe?” Clarke offered.

“Pssssh, that thing hardly constitutes a robe, Clarke. It’s December on the east coast. Haven’t you ever heard of terry cloth?”

“I could have come out naked.” The smiling blonde suggests.

Lexa pauses for a moment, eyes lingering on Clarke’s body, obviously envisioning the figure underneath. Her dreamy fantasizing lasts only a moment before she steels herself and strengthens her resolve. “I’m leaving!”

Before Lexa can make her way towards the door, Clarke skips over to her, blocking her path, and curves her arms around Lexa’s neck. She leans in and gives the brunette a firm kiss. When she pulls back, her face is serious. “Thank you for coming here Lex. I’m glad we talked. This meant a lot to me.”

“Me too.” Lexa responds instantly. “This has been one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. I’ve missed you so much Clarke.”

Clarke slide her hands across the length of Lexa’s neck until they landed on her face, each hand covering a cheek. “Good,” she leaned up and planted another tender kiss on Lexa’s awaiting lips. “Don’t you forget it.” She lightly used both hands to slap Lexa’s cheeks before stepping back and twisting to slap Lexa’s ass much harder. “Now get going. You have an adorable daughter waiting for you. Give Madi my love.”

Lexa flinched slightly with the sharp sting on her butt, and chuckled as she walked away. She opened the hotel door and stalled for a moment before turning around and facing Clarke again.  “Can I call you?” She asked.

“You better,” was her reply.

 

Six nights later, Lexa was sitting on her couch, gulping down the last of her caffeinated tea as she listened to the famous line:

_“Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!”_

As the jazzy saxophone music revved up, Lexa took a moment to look down at her phone and re-read the last text message from Clarke that had come in a few hours earlier.

 **Clarke (7:40p):** Lex, I’m so sorry to do this but I can’t make it out there tomorrow after all. I had to add a meeting with my choreographer to go over some changes to the concert routine. Please forgive me?

The week had thus far been a surreal blur for Lexa. After her salacious encounter with Clarke on Sunday, she drove home in a daze. She refused to divulge many details to her eager family members who bombarded her as soon as she returned home in the early evening hours; offering only “We had a talk, we cleared the air, and we are going to stay in touch.” Madi had been particularly displeased with the lack of details but Lexa refused to give in to her daughter’s inquisition. As far as she was concerned, her child already knew far too much about her romantic life. But eventually, after multiple days of harassment, Lexa did finally relent and tell Anya about her night with Clarke and how they seemed to be taking steps towards a romantic relationship. However, even as Lexa spoke the words out loud, she was still plagued with feelings of confusion and doubt. She and Clarke had been texting daily, but had not been able to see each other since Sunday, and even the text conversations were never more than five or six messages, often delayed by hours. Their communication, or lack thereof, was a far cry from their habits when they dated back in high school and college. In those years, they saw each other almost every day and texted nonstop or spoke on the phone regularly. However, Lexa reassured herself that the difference was due to age and maturity and the fact that they both had careers and Lexa had a child; not because Clarke was less interested or invested in their relationship.

Another issue adding to her neurosis was the press on Clarke. Recently, (proving that her phone did in fact listen in to all her conversations) her news feed was filled with articles about Clarke Griffin, and Lexa couldn’t help but read them. She was unable to stop herself from scouring countless stories with an array of gossipy claims. Some put forth evidence that Clarke was dating her co-star from her last movie. Others offered suggestive pictures as proof that she was once again romancing her dancer ex-girlfriend. There were mentions of a twitter war with the President of the United States and announcements that Clarke was secretly pregnant. It was all so overwhelming, and Lexa knew she shouldn’t bother reading the tabloids, but she just couldn’t help herself. And with every article she read, her doubts about re-connecting with Clarke just continued to grow. Their lives were so different, and Lexa was beginning to realize that, even if she wanted to be back with Clarke, it might not be a feasible dream.

Lexa had hoped that seeing Clarke on Sunday would quell some of her fears, and they could talk about how this might work, but then came the text cancelling their plans. It was a disappointment, but Lexa couldn’t dwell on her feelings anymore as the music on the TV died down and the superstar in question was suddenly occupying her screen.

Clarke looked mouth-wateringly gorgeous in a form-fitting red dress and black pumps, her blonde hair in wavy curls brushing along the tops of her shoulders. Lexa turned up the volume a bit to listen to the monologue.

_“Hi everyone! It’s great to be back here on Saturday Night Live! This is my fifth time on the show. I’ve hosted twice before, and I have been the musical guest twice but tonight I am both the host and the musical guest. Yep, all week Lorne Michaels was telling me that it was a huge honor to be both the host and the musical guest on this show. But I think he was just trying to boost my ego so I would forget that tonight I’m getting paid the same amount of money to do two separate jobs. No way Mark Wahlberg would fall for this shit.”_

Lexa smiled as she watched Clarke on screen. It was weird seeing Clarke like this, so confident and funny. Truly a celebrity. Of course, she knew how famous Clarke was, but this was one of the first times she was seeing her ex in action; having spent the last decade avoiding all of Clarke’s work.

_“So, I should probably clear up some of the drama currently circulating about me. As many of you may have heard, the leader of the free world took time out of his busy golfing schedule to tweet about me. I believe he stated that I was a talentless bimbo who was only hosting SNL because I was a hot blonde. Well first of all, thank you Mr. President for calling me hot. A girl likes to hear compliments. Secondly, I’m not JUST blonde, I also have big boobs. Thirdly, I am not a bimbo. I’m pretty intelligent. When my mother helped me cheat my way into college, I faked a ribbon dancing scholarship. See I was SMART enough to know that rowing was too mainstream and would draw attention. And lastly, Mr. President, I’m hurt that you would tweet mean things about me. After all, I thought we were friends. We both use the same CGI guy to help make our events look packed._

Lexa laughed. This speech was so Clarke. She had always had a self-deprecating sense of humor. For a moment, her insecurities were eased and she just enjoyed watching her lover in action.

_“A lot of people have recently been speculating that I am dating either my co-star or my choreographer or perhaps both of them. Well, one is a hot action star with a 6-pac, the other is a sexy dancer who gyrates her hips for a living, and also has a 6-pac. I guess I have a type? But I find that linking myself to either of them is only flattering for me, so I’ll just let you all use your imaginations on that one.”_

And just like that, the insecurities came flooding back.

_“Less flattering though is everyone assuming I am pregnant. Can’t a girl enjoy a burrito or two without people saying she has a baby bump? But seriously though, the real reason I’m doing SNL tonight is to support my Christmas Eve concert in New York City. Tickets are available for the live show and you can also order it on pay per view. And this is a special concert, because all the proceeds go to charity. It’s a really worthwhile cause. To learn more about the charity, please visit www dot Clarke’s trip to space dot com. Thanks everybody. We have a great show for you tonight. Our musical guest is, ME and I’m one nasty woman! So, stay tuned and we will be right back._

As the show went to commercial, Lexa couldn’t keep the smile off her face. While she was still very unsure about where things stood with Clarke, she knew she had to take a chance pursue things. She decided to text the woman back.

 **Lexa (11:42p):** No problem. I understand. I know you are busy. I have a meeting on Wednesday in the city. Perhaps you would want to grab lunch? I should be done around 12:30p. No pressure, just if you have the time.

Lexa settled in to her couch and watched the rest of the show. Halfway through, Clarke appeared on stage for her first performance and Lexa was mesmerized. Clarke was standing downstage, back lit by bright purple lights, only her silhouette showing as she began to sing.

I grew up with a lot of green  
Nice things 'round me  
I was safe, I was fine

Grew up with a lot of dreams  
Plans who to be  
None of them know were mine

 Suddenly a spotlight came on and illumined the singer, who grabbed the microphone off the stand and began to sway her hips and she moved to the beat of the music.

 I love freaks, I don't care if you're a wild one  
I love freaks, I don't care if you're a wild one

And I, I'm not the prettiest you've ever seen  
But I have my moments, I have my moments  
Not the flawless one, I've never been  
But I have my moments, I have my moments  
I can get a little drunk, I get into all the don’ts  
But on good days I am charming as fuuuuu  
I can get a little drunk, I get into all the don’t’s  
But on good days I am charming as fuuuuuu

 Lexa watched Clark dance around the small stage. She was in awe of this woman. She had always known Clarke was immensely talented, but watching her now, it was so clear that she was always meant to be a performer. She held the audience in the palm of her hand.

I can be the perfect one  
But I'll make you come  
And I'm locked in you're mind

You can say I don't belong  
That I'm so wrong  
I can tell, tell you lie

I love freaks, I don't care if you're a wild one  
I love freaks, I don't care if you're a wild one  
And

I, I'm not the prettiest you've ever seen  
But I have my moments, I have my moments  
Not the flawless one, I've never been  
But I have my moments, I have my moments  
I can get a little drunk, I get into all the don’ts  
But on good days I am charming as fuuuu  
I can get a little drunk, I get into all the don’ts  
But on good days I am charming as fuuu

Rough around the edges, memories and baggage  
You know me  
Never play the safe card, when I go I go hard  
And now you know

 Lexa found herself swaying her own body to the music as Clarke continued with the performance.

I, I'm not the prettiest you've ever seen  
But I have my moments, I have my moments  
Not the flawless one, I've never been  
But I have my moments, I have my moments  
I can get a little drunk, I get into all the don’ts  
But on good days I am charming as fuuu  
I can get a little drunk, I get into all the don’ts  
But on good days I am charming as fuuuu

Grinning like an idiot, Lexa stood up as Clarke finished the performance and the show went to commercial. That was a great song, although Lexa did take issue with one of the lyrics. To her, Clarke was in fact the prettiest girl she had ever seen.

Forty minutes later, Clarke closed out the show with another performance; this time a Christmas song. Once the credits were rolling and the actors were saying their goodbyes, Lexa yawned, turned off the TV and headed up the stairs. She had been struggling to stay away until the end of the show, and she was ready to crash. She made a quick stop to check in on Madi, before heading to her room. She was just curling up under her bedsheet when her phone dinged with a new message.

 **Clarke (1:04a):** Yes! Thank you so much. I hated canceling on you. Just keep me posted on when and where. I will make it work, whatever I have to do. I kind of miss your face. And I hope this text doesn’t wake you up.

Lexa grinned as she lifted her phone to respond.

 **Lexa (1:04a):** I’m awake. I think maybe 12:45p or 1p should work. I can text you as soon as my meeting is out. Sometimes they can run later than I think.

 **Clarke (1:05a):** Holy crap! Lexa Woods, what are you doing up at this late hour? You told me you were almost always in bed by 11p.

 **Lexa (1:05a):** Well, I might have stayed awake to watch a certain someone, on a certain live comedy show.

 **Clarke (1:05a):** oh yeah? Who?

 **Lexa (1:05a):** Ugh, you know very well who. I would appreciate you not making me admit it like some fangirl.

 **Clarke (1:06a):** Lexa Woods?!?!?! You like me, you really like me? Be still my beating heart.

 **Lexa (1:06a):** nope, I hate you now.

 **Clarke (1:06a):** no you don’t You liiiiiike me. You really liiiiiiiiike me. Hehehe

 **Lexa (1:06a):** go away. Don’t you have some fancy after party you should be attending

 **Clarke (1:06a):** hmm, attend some dumb industry party or trade witty barbs with you. It’s not even a question. I’d choose you every single time.

 **Lexa (1:06a):** you flatter me

 **Clarke (1:07a):** I only speak the truth.

 **Lexa (1:07a):** yeah yeah. Go to your party. I don’t want to keep you.

 **Clarke (1:07a):** Fine, I can take a hint. I know you just want to get rid of me so you can go to bed.

 **Lexa (1:07a):** caught me. Night Clarke. Have fun tonight and be safe.

 **Clarke (1:07a):** yes mother.

 **Clarke (1:07a):** Night night Lexa. Tell Madi I said hi!

 **Lexa (1:08a):** Will do.

Lexa put her phone back on her nightstand, plugging it in to charge. She turned over and drifted off to sleep with a serene smile adorning her face.

The next few days flew by and before Lexa knew it, it was Wednesday, and she would be seeing Clarke again. They had arranged to have lunch in the city at a restaurant which Lexa had carefully chosen after a full day of research.  While Lexa would have preferred to spend a few hours alone with Clarke, she was carpooling to the city with Anya, so her sister would have to join them for the meal. Upon hearing this information, Clarke had informed her that Raven would also be joining them. Apparently the assistant and Lexa’s sister had continued chatting since their first meeting.

Her morning had been a bit hectic. Lexa’s carefully planned outfit had to be abandoned after Madi accidently ran into her mother with a full glass of orange juice which splashed all over Lexa’s white blouse. After the bus collected her clumsy child, Lexa was forced to circle back to her house and search her closet for another acceptable outfit. She had the tricky task of finding a look that was appropriate for her business meeting, but also alluring for her date. After much consideration, and now running 30min behind schedule, she finally decided on a simple claret colored dress with three quarter length sleeves and a hem that cut off just above her knee. She paired it with a skinny gold belt and black stiletto heels.

Arriving to the office late, Lexa had just enough time to grab her files, give a few instructions to her receptionist before she collected Anya and they jumped in the car to drive into the city. Her client meeting was an important one. This was one of her biggest clients, a high-powered corporation in the city. It was a big deal that they chose Lexa to act as their in-house council. A big company hiring on a small firm from Polis was almost unheard of, but Lexa had a reputation for being an excellent attorney, so the company had gone with her. Despite sitting with one of her highest-profile clients, Lexa was still having a hard time concentrating. She was vibrating with nervous energy in anticipation of her lunch with Clarke. Anya, noticing her sister’s unusual distraction, took lead and explained to the client their strategy in dealing with an upcoming merger. Two hours later, and finally, the meeting was coming to a close. Having answered all of their questions, Lexa and Anya stood up, shaking hands with the executives, and made their exit.

As she walked out of the glass paned skyscraper, Lexa texted Clarke her status, and hailed a cab to take them to the restaurant a half mile away. Clarke immediately returned the message, saying she and Raven were in route and they would likely meet at the location at the same time. Ten minutes later, Lexa exited her taxi in front of Narnia’s Eatery, a fancy establishment on the upper east side. As she closed the car door, she spotted Clarke and Raven jogging across the intersection towards her. The excitement she felt upon seeing the blonde was quickly overtaken by anxiety and embarrassment. While she had put meticulous consideration into her attire, Clarke, while still stunningly beautiful, looked like she was coming from the gym. She donned bright red sneakers and black and gray marbled leggings, with a black zip up sweatshirt. Her hair was tossed up in a messy bun with long bangs hanging down in her eyes. As she approached Lexa, Clarke pushed her sunglasses up on top of her head, and Lexa could tell her face was without any makeup, a rarity for her ex. As she was wrapped up in a hug, Lexa decided not to dwell on the blonde’s attire, and simply enjoy being back in her presence.

“Perfect timing.” Clarke declared as she pulled back from the hug. Her face leaned closer to Lexa, seemingly to go in for a kiss. As Lexa titled her mouth towards the actress, she realized only too late that Clarke was planning to kiss her on the cheek. The end result was an awkward moment where Clarke’s lips landed disastrously on the left side of Lexa’s chin. Clarke stiffly stepped away from the brunette with a grimace. The whole interaction was amusingly observed by Anya and Raven, the latter of whom loudly cleared her throat. “So that was embarrassing for you two. Let’s go inside shall we? Take you two bumbling idiots off the public streets?”

Clarke rolled her eyes, but grabbed Lexa’s hand and led them into the restaurant. Upon their entrance, the group was immediately greeted by the eager hostess.

“Miss Griffin. Welcome!” The twenty something redhead enthusiastically grabbed Clarke’s hand giving it a rapid shake. “We are so honored to have you here at Narnia’s Eatery. We have reserved the private room for your lunch. If you would just follow me.”  

Now Lexa understood why Clarke had insisted on making the reservation herself. Apparently with her celebrity status, special arrangements had to be made to insure their privacy. It was a good thing Clarke had taken control, as this was something Lexa surely would have overlooked.

With a megawatt smile, the young hostess led the foursome through a crowded dining area. As they passed through the room, Lexa noticed several tables whispering and not so subtly sneaking glances at Clarke. One woman even brought out her phone in a stealthy attempt to take a picture; an attempt made extremely obvious once the bright flash of the camera burst from the device. While Lexa felt uncomfortable, Clarke seemingly paid no attention to the stir she was causing in the room. She kept her eyes forward and wordlessly followed the hostess into a small room, set apart from the main dining area by dark saloon style doors.

Once the group was situated, they fell into polite conversation. Clarke inquired about sisters’ meeting in the city. Anya complimented Clarke on her SNL hosting job, citing the Californians sketch as her favorite of the evening. Raven regaled them with embarrassing stories of Clarke from her last tour; something about getting stuck in the bathroom of the tour bus, and Lexa told the group about Madi’s upcoming winter talent show.

While on its surface, the lunch seemed like a casual and happy affair amongst friends, Lexa was worried it was not up to Clarke’s Hollywood style standards. She watched the actress closely and she was convinced something was off. While Clarke seemed content to listen to the stories and conversations with the group, whenever Lexa tried to speak directly to her, Clarke seemed stilted and distracted. When the blonde picked up her menu, Lexa observed her pursed lips and bleak expression as she perused her choices. When their waiter arrived to take their orders, Lexa grew more despondent when Clarke ordered the kale salad. She mind was unavoidably thrown back to a memory from their second date, when Lexa had taken Clarke to dinner at popular chain restaurant in Polis.

 

_“Ew, Lexa. I can’t believe you ordered a Cobb salad!”_

_“What’s wrong with it?”_

_“Um… it’s salad!”_

_“So? It has bacon bits in it. Besides, I like salad.”_

_“Promise? You really like salad? You are ordering that because it’s what you actually want to eat? Because I’m kinda worried now.”_

_“Yes. I don’t understand, Clarke. Why are you worried?”_

_“Well, I think salad is dumb. It’s a horrible food and I hate it and I don’t understand why anyone would willingly order it for a meal. The only time I have ever or will ever order a salad for a meal is if I’m on a horrible date and want it to be over as quickly as possible.”_

In the couple’s long history, covering hundreds of meals together, Lexa had never once seen Clarke order a salad.

“Hello?” Anya started snapping her fingers “earth to Lexa!”

Lexa blinked her eyes and looked around the table. The three women were all starring at her. Anya spoke up. “You alright there? You seemed to zone out for a minute.”

“Yes, sorry.” Lexa forced a smile. “I just thought of something about a case at work. Sorry about that.”

Clarke smiled back, but there was something in her eyes that suggested she didn’t quite believe Lexa’s explanation. Raven scoffed and elbowed Clarke’s side. “Better step up your game Clarkey. We’re boring Lexa so bad that she is daydreaming about work.”

Anya snickered at Raven’s comments and Clarke smiled, but glanced at Lexa with apprehensiveness.Lexa took this moment to push back from the table and stand. “Excuse me. I’m just going to run to the restroom.”

She quickly turned and pushed her way through the swinging doors, as she heard Anya announce, “I’m going to go with her. Be right back.”

Lexa stopped momentarily to search for the bathroom sign, and upon finding it, swiftly made her way across the restaurant. Anya was quick to catch up to her sister. “What was that? Are you okay?”

“Yes I’m fine. I’m just still nervous for some reason, so I wanted a moment to settle myself.”

As the women turned to the right, they made their way down the narrow corridor toward and ornate frosted glass door with a large “W” on it.

“Lex, just relax. Be yourself. There is nothing to be nervous about. This is the same old Clarke.”

“I know, I just need to take a breath.” Lexa pushed on the door and started to enter the ladies room, before turning around and facing her sister, who was still hot on her heels. “Are you really going to follow me in here?”

“Well, I was just going to check on you, but since I’m here, I might as well pee.” She started to follow Lexa into the room, before abruptly stopping and turning her head back towards their table. “Shit, I actually need a tampon. I’m going to run back and grab my purse. Be right back.”

“I won’t be waiting.” Lexa shouted after her sister.

Anya marched back over to their private dining section, but halted before pushing through the doors, when she overheard a statement from Clarke.

“I just really want to get out of here, Raven.”

Upon hearing these words, Anya made the decision to stand back and listen to the conversation taking place.

“Well that’s just tough Clarke. It would be completely rude to abruptly leave. So woman up and stick it out.”

The blonde let out a sigh, “Fine, but I’m not happy about it.”

“Well, do you want some news that will cheer you up?” Anya heard Raven ask.

“Sure.”

“It’s about a very cute guy, whom you absolutely adore.”

“I literally have no idea who you are talking about.”

“One, Mr. Kevin Bacon, will be on a plane tomorrow, on his way to see you.”

Anya winced from the high-pitched squeal and clap that followed Raven’s statement.

“Seriously, he’s coming?”

“Yes, Clarkey. I know you have missed him like crazy since you have been in New York, so I coordinated with Zoe and we got him on a plane. He’s going to stay with you for the rest of the trip.”

Anya glowered from her hidden position behind the doors and against the wall as she heard the sounds of lip smacking.

“Thank you!” (smack) “Thank you!” (smack) “Thank you Ray.”

“Okay, get off me”

“Seriously, you have no idea how much this means to me. I miss him so much. My bed feels empty without him. I’m going through serious withdrawals here.”

“Now that’s just sad Griffin. Don’t you have Lexa to fill your bed these days?”

“Well, that’s yet to be determined, especially after this awkward lunch. But even if we do keep going with… well with whatever the hell it is that we are doing, she has got Madi, so she won’t be able to be with me most nights. And a girl has got needs. What can I say? Kevin is an excellent cuddle buddy.”

As the two women giggled with each other, Anya decided she had heard enough. She stalked off back to the bathroom. While she took no pleasure is sharing this new information, she would be damned if she let her sister get hurt by some pop star, no matter what their history.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song in this chapter was "Moments" by Tov Lo. Hope this chapter was acceptable to everyone. I was really stuck for awhile so just decided to push through and get something out, even though I'm not totally happy with it. It's super late and I can't possibly re-read and edit now, but I promised myself I would not go to bed until I posted this. So, please accept my apologies for what I can only assume are numerous grammatical errors. I'll try to fix soon. Thanks again for all your encouragement.


	9. Chapter 9

Clarke had been having a very stressful week. After Lexa left on Sunday, she was on cloud 9; simply giddy with happiness at reconnecting with her former love. In the back of her mind, she knew she should be wary about falling down the Lexa rabbit hole again. She had been madly in love with her when they were kids, and Lexa had just abandoned her. Maybe she had good reasons for it, but that event had truly traumatized Clarke. For years after, she was a shell of her former self, having transformed from the bright happy optimist into a bitter untrusting cynic. She had intimacy issues, and didn’t really respect herself. These issues all stemmed from that fateful night at her launch party. Yes, there was certainly a part of Clarke that thought she shouldn’t forgive Lexa so easily. It seemed a bit pitiful how quickly she was won over. But those thoughts and doubts were all in her mind. And her mind was outranked by her heart. She could not deny that her heart had always belonged to Lexa, and that damned organ was ecstatic to be back in the sphere of the woman who truly owned it. Clarke was certain that Lexa was the one for her. As soon as she saw her again, all of those extinguished feelings came burning back to the surface. She couldn’t stop smiling and she was back to thinking about Lexa all the time. It was crazy the effect the brunette had on her. Clarke couldn’t deny or really explain her feelings, so instead of analyzing them too deeply, she was choosing to just embrace the happy.

In a perfect world Clarke would have loved to spend the next few days with Lexa; hanging out with Madi, going to dinners, decorating for Christmas, and having much much more of the mind-blowing sex, but unfortunately, that was not an option. She had a job to do and commitments to keep. Her week was jammed packed with rehearsals for her upcoming hosting gig on SNL.

By Wednesday, Clarke was beginning to remember one of the small downsides to having Lexa back in her life. She was a wee bit obsessed. She was back to the behavior she exhibited when she was a lovestruck teenager. She thought about Lexa constantly; daydreaming about their romance, wondering what Lexa was doing, thinking about Lexa’s body and her lips, fantasizing about their lives together, wondering about Lexa’s opinions on what Clarke was wearing or reading or performing. It was truly a sickness, and Clarke was only made more aware of it when she was pulled aside by Lorne Michaels, asking her to give more effort into her work on the show. It was the wakeup call she needed to snap back to reality and focus on her job. That evening, she texted Lexa and the two made plans to get together on Sunday. Clarke marked the date on her calendar with a heart emoji, and forced herself to focus on the show for the rest of the week.

When Saturday finally rolled around, Clarke was beginning to crack. The grueling schedule at the show was taking its toll. She was worried her performances wouldn’t be up to par, and she was frustrated by her lack of contact with Lexa. When they had been together before, they spoke all the time. Her days were not complete without hearing Lexa’s voice. Now, she was living off a pittance; just a couple of measly texts every day. She rationalized that Lexa was now a single mother with a job and she couldn’t spend all her time talking on the phone with Clarke, but it still made her feel kind of glum. But there was light at the end of this tunnel. She had plans to head to Polis the next day and spend the entire day with Lexa and Madi.

Clarke was desperate to get back into her little bubble of joy with the Woods family, but for now the real world was calling... literally calling as Clarke’s peaceful planning was interrupted by her cellphone vibrating, signaling an incoming call. Picking up her cell, Clarke groaned as she recognized the photo ID on the screen. She was in trouble. Quickly checking the clock, the singer sighed when she realized she still had enough time left on her lunch break to answer the phone. There was really no use in putting it off, so she begrudgingly swiped her finger along the bottom of the screen, and prepared to face the music.

“Hello Ny.”

_“Don’t act all innocent on me Grif. You have been ignoring my texts and calls all damn week.”_

“I’m sorry, but I have just been so busy with SNL. You knew that I was going to be limited this week.”

_“Yes, and that is why we had a tech rehearsal planned for last Sunday, which you blew off. I know you are the money here Clarke, but I have a life too. You just left me hanging! No call, no text. Nothing!”_

Clarke cringed. She had totally forgotten about their rehearsal last Sunday. No wonder Nylah had been harassing her all week.

“Shit. I’m so sorry Ny. I completely forgot. I really had a lot going on last week. It was a personal matter.”

_“Yes, I know. I spoke to Raven. She actually answered my calls.”_

“Sorry” Clarke whined into the phone. She had really messed up.

_“And I get you have a personal life Clarke, and I’m fine with that. But please try to remember that I do too. So, if you are going to cancel, try to have the decency to let me know, so I don’t waste my weekend sitting around waiting for some pop diva.”_

“Okay, I guess I deserved that. And I AM sorry. I totally fucked up and what I did was not cool. The rehearsal just skipped my mind. But can we please kill this? I have had an insane week, and I’m not sure I can continue to function if I know you are pissed at me.”

_“Ok fine. I got my venting out and I’m over it. But you owe me.”_

“Done! Whatever you need.”

_“Good. Because what I need is for us to reschedule this rehearsal for tomorrow.”_

“No!” Clarke immediately jumped up from her spot on the couch. She could not cancel her plans with Lexa. “I can’t do tomorrow. I have plans already.”

A long sigh came out from the other end of the phone. _“Clarke, don’t do this to me. Tomorrow is our only option. If you remember, we scheduled the wiring rehearsal for LAST Sunday because it was the only day available and you didn’t want to have to work the day after SNL.”_

Clarke’s face bunched up and she closed her eyes. This was all coming back to her now. Nylah continued to explain the situation.

_“We need to go over the wiring and the lifts for the last number. We can’t do it next week because we have the band and backup dancers.”_

“I know. I remember all this. But seriously Ny, tomorrow I have important plans. There has got to be another day we can do this.”

_“Clarke, I’m sorry but there isn’t. This is an important rehearsal. We have put it off until now, but it has to happen. I’m looking at the schedule and tomorrow is the only day.”_

“But, Ny”

_“No Clarke! This is about your safety. This is not something we can do half assed. If you don’t come tomorrow, we are killing the entire effect and the song. I won’t do it unless we have this run through. Then you can explain to Bellamy and everyone else what happened. I’m not trying to be a bitch here, but we are out of options.”_

“Fine!” Clarke started pacing again. She knew it was pointless, but she had to see if there was any way she could salvage her plans tomorrow. “How long will it take? Can we keep it to a few hours, and I can move my stuff to the afternoon?”

Another exasperated sigh. _“It’s a full day thing. And you know it.”_

“Damnit! Why couldn’t I have just done this last week?” As she asked the question out loud, Clarke’s mind raced back to how she had spent that day. Rolling around the bed with Lexa. Looking down on that goddess of a woman as she rocked their bodies together, grinding, pelvis to pelvis. If she had gone to her rehearsal last week, she wouldn’t have been in when Lexa stopped by. So even though this reschedule was very inconvenient, it was probably worth the trade.

_“Hey, don’t ask me. I wish it had been last week too. Do you know how hard it is to explain to your current girlfriend that you are not available because you are going to spend all day working with your ex-girlfriend? It did not go over well.”_

Clarke let out a chuckle. “Well, after tonight, I think I’m about to find out.”

_“See you tomorrow at 9am”_ Nylah automatically replied before doing a double take and asking, “wait, what did you say? Do you have a new girlfriend?”

Whoops. Clarke had not meant to let that slip. “Okay, see ya tomorrow” she responded over Nylah’s inquiries.

_“What? No. Who is this girlfriend?”_

“They are calling me. Gotta go. Byeeeeeee”

_“Grif, you have to tell..”_ but Nylah’s voice was cut off as Clark ended the call. She was about to call Lexa to deliver the news when she was summoned to stage. Throwing her phone on the couch, she would have to leave the message until later.

When she returned to her dressing room to prep for dress rehearsal, Clark decided she had procrastinated long enough. She planned to call Lexa and explain why she had to cancel, but her break was short lived when a PA barged in asking for her presence in wardrobe to adjust the hem on her elf costume. With no time to have a conversation, Clarke was forced to just shoot off a text message.

Several hours later, she made one last trip to her dressing room before the live show began. When she checked her phone to discover that Lexa had still not responded to her text, she was gutted. But ever the professional, Clarke put on a brave face. Afterall the show must go on.  
Another ninety minutes later and the show was finally over. After saying goodnight to the country, the director called cut and Clarke ran straight to her dressing room. The only thing on her mind was to check her phone for any response from Lexa. She sagged down on the couch in relief after she retrieved her phone and saw the message. Lexa wasn’t pissed! And she was suggesting a new date to meet. Without hesitation, Clarke agreed. Nothing in the universe would keep her from missing their lunch date.

“No way Clarke! You can’t leave us in the middle of the day on Wednesday. The schedule is packed!”

“Gee Ny, I don’t remember asking your permission.” Clarke yelled the response to her choreographer and she sucked in a deep breath and attempted an aerial somersault while attached to the harness. “I was just…..” she let out her breath and she swung back upright, “…giving you a heads up. I WILL be leaving around 12:30p on Wednesday, and I expect to be gone for about 2 hours.”

From the ground, Nylah threw up her hands in exasperation and she glared up at Clarke. “I don’t get what’s going on with you. You are usually so dedicated. This show is live and it’s huge. Now is not the time to get lax on me.”

“I’m not..” Clarke swung her right leg across her body, resulting in four 360 degree turns, “getting lax. Whoa… that made me dizzy.” She looked down to Nylah, “can you make a note that I need another verse or beat in the song before I go into the next spin? If I don’t get it, there is a legit chance I will hurl.”

Nylah nodded her head and scribbled something down in her notebook. Clarke continued her explanation. “I’m just taking a few hours off so that I can attend to some personal matters.”

“Babe, you have a live concert in less than two weeks. You don’t get time off.” She pointed up at Clarke with the black pen still in her hand. “After you come out of the second spin, you do the Peter Pan pose. On the word lights… Now boys!” she yelled over to the side of the stage, then turned her attention back to Clarke, “they will start lowering you towards the girl in the audience.”

Clarke made the pose and she immediately started descending towards the arena seats. “I don’t get why you are making a big deal about this. It’s a few hours for lunch.” She adjusted her body lifting her right knee higher. “Am I doing this right?”

“Yes, it will take about 25 seconds to get to the next mark so you just have to hold.”

“Ok. Like I was saying, it’s just lunch. I have to eat, don’t I?”

“Yes, but you were supposed to be having a working lunch with me next door, so we could choose who your principal dancers would be.”

“I thought you would be glad to get rid of me. Every time we are seen out in public together, TMZ says we are dating again. I can’t imagine Layla enjoys seeing that.”

“Nah, it used to bother her, but then she met you and realized she was an upgrade.”

Clarke burst into laughter. “Ouch… but also true.” The singer began looking around. “Hey, where is the present I’m supposed to give to the kid?”

“Oh fuck” Nylah furrowed her brow and looked down at her notepad before yelling off towards the stage area. “MIKE! We need to get the present in here so she can practice grabbing it.”

Clarke heard a faint reply of “copy” come from behind her. Nylah continued yelling. “We need to have it come from the left on the wire. It looks cool, but we need to see if she can gracefully grab it. If not, we can have it run in.”

Another “copy” was the only reply.

Clarke, still hanging from the rafters, dug at her underwear, which her harness was aggressively herding into her bum. Nylah looked up in time to catch her in the act. “Classy. See if the tabloids saw this side of you, they would know that I’m totally over our split. But instead, they just keep posting those incrementing photos.”

Clarke startled. “What incrementing photos?”

“You haven’t seen?” The blonde shook her head. “They somehow got pictures from our initial rehearsals in LA. The ones where I was taking Danny’s spot in Santa Baby song. We look quite cozy together.”

“Fuck! When did those come out?”

“I saw them a few days ago.”

“Shit, I hope she didn’t see them. I don’t think she reads that kind of trash, but still. I would have wanted to warn her or something.”

Nylah just shrugged. “The perks of dating a hotshot! And who is this girl? You still have not told be about your new lady love.”

“And I’m not going to. Now, can I get down from here already?”

“Nope” Nylah crossed her arms, enjoying her boss’s discomfort. It was good punishment for her no show the week prior. “We still have a couple of hours of work to do.”

“And 5, 6, 7, 8 now spin, and cross… hip sway…. Chad and Craig cross, and LIFT” Nylah was clapping to the beat and she yelled out instructions for a half pace run through of the dance. “And on the word, ‘You’ do the toss and catch and Clarke swings out for the final pose…. PERFECT!” The song ended. “Great job everyone.”

“That was fantastic!” Bellamy was clapping as he stood up from his chair move over to Clarke. “You looked hot Clarke.” He lifted his hand up and the two high-fived. With his other hand, the manager handed his client a towel and water bottle.

“Thanks Bell.” Clarke grabbed his offerings and started dabbing herself with the towel. She was in pretty good shape, but with all the dancing, beads of sweat were starting to form on her brow and in between her breasts. Her manager certainly seemed to notice the latter, if his eyes were any indication.

“Hey” Clarke snapped. “Wanna stare a little harder at my tits you perv? Hashtag Me Too! Don’t’ make me add you to the list!”

“What?” Bellamy’s eyes widened and he brought them back up to her face. “I wasn’t looking”

Clarke rolled her eyes, “Uh huh” and brought the bottle of water up to her lips to take a long drink. She walked past her manager and took his seat on the fold-out chair, crossing her legs. “When did you get into town?”

“Last night. Wanted to make sure everything was going well.”

Clarke jerked her head to each side, releasing loud pops from her neck and took another sip of water. “It’s been a lot, but I think we have a handle on it.”

“Yeah? I heard there have been some scheduling snafus. That’s not like you.”

Clarke narrowed her eyes and leaned to the right looking past Bellamy toward Nylah, who was in the corner talking to the dancers. “Tattle tale!” She yelled across the studio,

“I’m not trying to get on your case, I just want to make sure you are focused.”

“I am focused.” Clarke replied, but as she spoke she started to turn her head, searching the area around her. “Where is my phone?” She mumbled out loud as she stood and continued her search.

At that point, Nylah walked over to the duo loudly clapping her hands together. “Okay, let’s start from the top. We really need to get that opening locked down.”

Clarke continued to search around her area, lifting towels and checking under gym bags. “Give me a minute. I can’t find my phone.” She looked back up to Bellamy and Nylah. “Have either of you seen it?”

The two shared a nervous glance before Bellamy responded “Why don’t you get back to work, and I’ll look around for it.”

“Well what time is it?” Clarke inquired with her hand on her hips.

Nylah interjected, “Does it matter? Come on Clarke. Let’s get a full speed run through in. We have time.” She grabbed the blonde’s hand and gently attempted to tug her towards the dance floor. “You can’t leave yet.”

Clarke shook out of her grasp and held her position. “I swear to god if one of you doesn’t tell me what time it is, I’m going to lose my shit!”  
The manager and choreographer exchanged another glance before Bellamy stretched his arm out and pivoted his wrist to consult his Rolex. “It’s 12:30. Just do one more run through before you need to leave.”

“What?!?” At that point Clarke stepped up to her manager, looking him straight in the eyes. “Where the fuck is my phone Bellamy?”

The shaggy haired man huffed a breath out of his nose and responded, “I put it in your dressing room. You were getting texts and then the alarm went off.” Immediately, two pale hand shot up and pushed hard against his chest, forcing him to take a few steps backward to keep balance.

“You asshole!” Clarke turned and stalked out of the space and down the hallway towards her dressing room, with both members of her team in tow. “I set my alarm to let me know when I had to leave to go get ready for my lunch!”

As the trio powered down the hallway, they were interrupted by Raven, who was just entering the building.

“What the hell Clarkey? I thought you were coming back to the hotel.”

“Not now Raven” Bellamy yelled pointing to the assistant and stopping her in her path.

“Okay, I think I’ll just wait out here, in the drama free zone.”

Arriving at her dressing room, Clarke threw the door open and promptly seized her phone. She had multiple texts from Raven and one that had just arrived from Lexa, announcing that she was in route to the restaurant.

“Fuck!” Clarke yelled into the air. She turned and leveled a death stare at Bellamy and Nylah who were lingering in the doorway. “She’s on her way. Now I barely have time to do anything. I don’t even have clothes with me other than a fresh shirt!”

“Clarke, I’m just looking out for you, and asking you to be reasonable.” Bellamy pleaded with the singer. “Nylah told me you still have a lot of work to do, and at this rate you will be lucky to have everything spot on by the time the 24th rolls around.” He looked over to Nylah for assistance. “Back me up here.”

Nylah stepped forward toward Clarke, a risky move given that the singer was frighteningly close to her psycho stare. “He’s right Clarke. We need every minute we can get to make sure you are ready. I know you want to put on a great show. This is for charity.”

And that did it. Clarke was now sporting the full-on psycho stare, signifying her extremely high level of anger. “Oh, don’t you fucking dare! Are you seriously standing there and trying to guilt me?” She looked rapidly back and forth between her accusers. “I know this is for charity. It was my god damned idea. And I am the one,” Clarke jerked her right hand and pointed finger gesturing to herself, “who is giving all my time, weeks and weeks of rehearsals and dancing, and writing a brand-new fucking song, just so I can do all of this for FREE. Because I’m giving everything single cent I make to this charity! You, on the other hand,” now she pointed to Nylah, accusingly “are taking a salary. Sure, it’s at a discount, but what are you pocketing from this show? 30, 40 grand?”

Nylah looked down at her feet muttering, “Not all of us have millions in our bank accounts to live off of.”  
“Yes, I know that Nylah. Which is why I didn’t care, hell I would have demanded you take a salary. But that being said, don’t you fucking dare stand in my dressing room and try to throw a guilt trip on me.”

At this Bellamy stepped forward. “It’s our job to look out for you, and I know you want this concert to be great, but that may require sacrificing your social life for a few more weeks. Clarke, we were just trying to do what is best for you.”

Clarke let out an incredulous scoff and shook her head. “Jesus Christ, you too?” She looked up, asking aloud, “What the hell have I done to give people the impression that I can’t make decisions for myself? Huh?” She looked back at Bellamy and Nylah expectantly. “Seriously! Is it me? What about me makes people think that I’m a fucking child who can’t decide on my own what I want and what’s best for me?”

Nylah looked pained and Bellamy persisted. “Come on Clarke. It’s not like that.”

“Shut up Bellamy!” The tone in her voice was enough to make him quiet immediately.

Clarke closed her eyes and took a deep breath, slowly and loudly letting out the air from her lungs. She opened her eyes and with a soft expression she started, “Ok. I love you both. You two mean the world to me, and we have been through a lot together. And I don’t want to fight. And I do know that you both always have my best interest at heart.” Bellamy and Nylah both nodded in agreement, but Clarke was not done. She closed her eyes again, taking another breath, but this time when she opened her eyes, her expression had hardened, and her blue orbs were sharp with seriousness not typically seen on the singer. “That being said, I need to make something clear. If either of you ever try to interfere with or dictate my personal life again, I will fire you.”

Bellamy and Nylah startled, mouths dropping open in shock. Clarke had never spoken to either of them this way in the past. Before they could offer up an explanation, Clarke continued, “Look me in the eye, and know that I am dead serious.”

The choreographer and manager shut their mouths, recognizing that they had crossed a line with the singer.

“Because, let us not forget that while we are friends, you both work for me. I am in charge, and I will be damned, if I ever let another person try to dictate my life. So, please, for the sake of our working relationship and our friendships don’t ever try to manipulate me, ever again. Okay?”

Nylah nodded, “Okay, I’m sorry.”

Bellamy gulped, “Understood.”

Clarke just smiled at them, “Good. So, I am going to leave shortly, and I will be back no later than 3pm. Plan accordingly.”

Again, the pair just nodded.

“Now please get out of my dressing room. I need to shower.” With that, Clarke turned her back toward them and started peeling off her clothes as they made their exit.

A mere ten minutes later and Clarke was emerging from her dressing room, body still slightly damp from her rushed shower as she pulled on a sweatshirt. Since Lexa and Anya were already in route to the restaurant, Clarke only had time to rinse herself off, and change into a fresh set of workout clothes. But at least she no longer smelled like a gym bag. As she made her way towards to building’s exit, she was greeted by a smirking Raven who was waiting for her by the door.

“That’s the outfit that’s going to help reconnect you with your lady?” She asked, giving Clarke a once over. “Interesting choice.”

“Please don’t ask.” Clarke responded as she walked past her and out into the brisk winter air of the city. “I’m surrounding by well-meaning traitors who are destroying my life.”

“I promise to have your car fixed by the time you get back. And it will be as good as new.”

Clarke stopped abruptly and looked over to her assistant. “What did you do to my car?” Raven opened her mouth to answer, but Clarke interrupted. “Never mind” she commenced walking down the street. “I don’t want to know.”

“I think that’s best.”

So far, lunch has not been going very well. It started with the disastrously uncomfortable half kiss out in the street. As Clarke approached Lexa, she noticed a few tourists on the sidewalk who were staring her down, phones in hand, obviously having recognized her. While she wanted nothing more than to greet Lexa with a kiss, she assumed that the other woman wouldn’t want the moment splashed across social media yet. Therefore, at the last second, she turned her head, which led to the humiliating chin kiss incident.

As they were being seated at their table, the brazen hostess slipped Clarke a piece of paper with her phone number. Not interested in the slightest, but nervous nonetheless, Clarke crumpled the piece of paper up and slipped it into her purse. She hoped Lexa had not witnessed the exchange, for fear the brunette would get the wrong impression.

Later, as Clarke examined the menu, she discovered numerous mouthwatering dishes she would have loved to sample. The restaurant Lexa had chosen specialized in several of Clarke’s all-time favorites entrees. That made her decision to order an unappealing salad all the more painful. Alas, she was in training for the concert and had recently been accused of being pregnant, so ordering the salad was the smart, albeit unfulfilling, decision.

The conversation seemed to be flowing well enough, but Clarke was having a hard time focusing her attention. Being this close to Lexa once again sent shivers down her spine and flutters in her stomach. Her body was overflowing with phantom memories of their marathon sex session. She ached for Lexa’s touch. Every time the brunette looked directly at her, Clarke could only seem to focus on those pillowed lips brushing her skin, and the truly magical maneuvers she did with that tongue, and the shallow little moans she made when Clarke nibbled on those tiny earlobes. The memories alone were enough to drive a woman mad.  
Oh yeah, and the muscles. Clarke hadn’t even thought about the muscles on her slender lover. She was reminded only now as Lexa’s forearms flexed when she pushed back from the table to head off and use the facilities. Anya decided to accompany her sister, so the singer was left alone with her assistant who immediately began the inquisition.

“Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?”

“What?” Clarke asked innocently.

“You seem so spacey. You are barely talking to your lover over there.”

Clarke groaned, dropping her head into her hands. “Is it that obvious?”

“Yes! Are you pissed at her or something?”

At that question, the blonde shot her head back up. “No! Oh shit, does it seem like I’m pissed?”

“A little maybe. If you’re not mad, then what’s your deal?”

“I am slightly annoyed, but not at Lexa, just at the situation.” Raven just silently looked at her boss, waiting for her to elaborate. “I just had this intense fight with Bellamy and Nylah and I can’t really talk about it with Lexa. Especially since she and I have been kind of off all week, and this is the first time we are seeing each other again, and frankly I kind of wish we were alone.” Glancing at her assistant nervously, she added, “No offense.”

“Ah” Raven leaned back and crossed her arms. “I see. So, I’m being a bit of a romantic buzzkill?”

Clarke huffed out short laugh. “Kind of.” She grabbed her glass from the table and took a sip of water. “Also” she leaned over to whisper the next part to her friend, “I just can’t stop thinking about the sex. All I want to do is be alone with her in bed doing….” She looked down at the table, eyes glazing over as she shook her head, “dirty, dirty things to her body.” Letting out a sigh, Clarke continued, “But instead, we are here. And she looks amazing, and I look like shit. And we are in this fishbowl of a restaurant unable to have the amazing sex or the important conversations and I just….” Clarke rubbed her hand over her face before dropping her chin into her palm and looking back at her assistant, “I just really want to get out of here Raven.”

The Latina nodded feigning sympathy before giving her boss a loud smack on the back. “Well that’s just tough Clarke. It would be completely rude to abruptly leave. So, woman up and stick it out.” She then leaned over and whispered in the blonde’s ear, “you can always fuck like rabbits this weekend.”

The blonde let out another huff, but did start to smile “Fine, but I’m not happy about it.”

Raven decided that now would be the best time to lift her boss’s mood with the surprise she had been organizing for the last few days. “Well, do you want some news that will cheer you up?”

“Sure.” Clarke responded with a shrug of her shoulders.

“It’s about a very cute guy, whom you absolutely adore.” Raven hinted.

Clarke took a moment to think. Her eyes lifting as she racked her brain for a clue as to whom her assistant was referring. Nothing came to mind and she wasn’t in the mood for a guessing game. “I literally have no idea who you are talking about.”

Raven put on her smuggest smile before announcing, “One, Mr. Kevin Bacon, will be on a plane tomorrow, on his way to see you.”

Clarke couldn’t help her reaction. She immediately let out of squeal of joy, clapping her hands together and bouncing up and down on her seat. “Seriously, he’s coming?”

“Yes, Clarkey. I know you have missed him like crazy since you have been in New York, so I coordinated with Zoe and we got him on a plane. He’s going to stay with you for the rest of the trip.”

Clarke grabbed Raven’s head and started delivering big, loud kisses all over her face as she repeated, “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you Ray!”

Raven grimaced and shrugged out of the blonde’s hold “Okay, get off me.” She made a dramatic show of wiped her face.

“Seriously, you have no idea how much this means to me. I miss him so much. My bed feels empty without him. I’m going through serious withdrawals here.” Clarke pouted, thinking about how much she had missed the little fella since she had been in New York.  
Usually, he traveled with her wherever she went, but he had to have surgery on his leg a few months ago, and since he was still recovering, Clarke didn’t want to risk having him in a strange place for several weeks when she would not have enough time to give him all of her attention. But it seemed as though he had finally recovered enough to make the trip.

“Now that’s just sad Griffin. Don’t you have Lexa to fill your bed these days?”

“Well, that’s yet to be determined, especially after this awkward lunch. But even if we do keep going with… well with whatever the hell it is that we are doing, she has got Madi, so she won’t be able to be with me most nights. And a girl has got needs. What can I say? Kevin is an excellent cuddle buddy.”

Raven made a face, but Clarke just giggled. She was obsessed with her little buddy and she was not going to be ashamed of it. He had been her one constant for the last nine years.

“Does Lexa know she has competition for your affection?” Raven asked.

“No. I don’t think I’ve mentioned him to her yet.” Clarke answered, avoiding her friend’s gaze.

“Seriously? You are obsessed with him! You talk about him all the time and show pictures of him to literally everyone. How have you not told her yet?”

Clarke looked around, checking to make sure her date was not coming back yet before responding, “Okay, so hopefully she has changed over the years, but when we were together Lexa was never really very fond of pets.”

Raven balked. “Umm, is she a psycho path?”

“No!” Clarke insisted. “And don’t say that about her. She likes animals, she just doesn’t love the idea of pets. She said it was weird having an animal in the home. She always used to say to me..” at this she put on her best Lexa impression “They are animals, Clarke. They are meant to be outdoors.” Clarke affectionally shook her head at the memory of their old debate. “She just didn’t appreciate the concept of domesticated pets. And she thought the idea of sharing a bed with any animal was absolutely insane.”

“Oh crap” Raven muttered leaning back in her chair, “she’s in for a rude awakening.”

“I know, but” Clarke lifted up her pointer finger, “I do have a plan.”

“A plan?” Raven questioned

“Yes, I plan to use her child against her.”

“What does that mean?” Raven asked.

“Well, I know Madi wants a dog. So, she obviously likes them. I will introduce Madi to Kevin Bacon, she will fall in love with him, because let’s face it everyone does, because he is the cutest ball of fluff on the planet and then we can both work on Lexa together.”

“Lexa kind of seems like a hard ass. Do you think that will work?”

“Lexa Woods may be hard on the outside, but on the inside she is a gooey little cinnamon roll. If I team up with her daughter, she won’t stand a chance. In a matter of days, Kevin will be sitting pretty with the entire Woods family. I’m sure of it.”

Raven’s eyes moved past Clarke, looking over her head. “Speaking of the Woods Family, looks who’s finally back. Have fun in there, ladies?”  
Anya and Lexa had just pushed through the swinging saloon doors and were taking their seats at the table. Clarke looked to Lexa with a smile, about to make a joke about them touching up makeup in the bathroom, when she noticed the expression on the other woman’s face. Lexa did not look happy.

“Everything okay?” Clarke asked, reaching over to rub the brunette’s arm.

“Fine” was the response and she slightly shrugged out of the blonde’s reach.

The next 45 min of lunch went by slowly. Conversation was stilted, with Raven doing most of the talking. Even Anya, who had earlier seemed jubilant, was now giving the majority of her focus to her food.

When the dishes were cleared and the bill finally arrived, Clarke made a move to pay, however she was adamantly denied by Lexa, who demanded they split the cost. Clarke wanted to argue, but Lexa’s face convinced her it would be a losing battle. As soon as the cards were returned, Lexa swiftly signed her receipt and promptly stood up announcing that she had to get back to work.

When the foursome emerged from the restaurant, back out in the bright cold air of the sunny, winter afternoon, Clarke attempted to pull Lexa aside for a private goodbye. However, her effort was rebuffed when Lexa simply stuck out her hand for a handshake saying “It has been great seeing you Clarke and catching up. Good luck with your concert.”

Clarke’s brow lowered, her mouth dropping open slightly in a confused smile. She wanted to make a joke about the awkward goodbye, but before she could even get a word out, Lexa had turned and was stalking down the street with her sister following.  
Clarke stood frozen, arm still extended from their shake, watching the brunette leave.

“Is this a thing you two do?” Raven asked, moving to stand next to Clarke and watching their dates leave. “Awkward greetings and farewells? Because I have to say, you are good at it. I’m very uncomfortable.”

“I have no idea what the fuck that was.” Clarke finally dropped her hand and gave Lexa’s retreating figure one last look before turning to make her way back to her rehearsal space. “Come on. I have to get back.”  
Raven turned to follow her, continuing the conversation. “Well at least it wasn’t just you. Anya was acting weird during the lunch too.”

Clarke offered no response, instead she pulled out her phone to text Lexa.

**Clarke (1:38p)** : Pleasure seeing you again madam. Lol a handshake Lex? I thought we were past these awkward formalities. I guess I’ll just have to loosen you up again next time I see you.

“Do you think they both had like the shits or something?”

“What?” That question certainly drew Clarke’s attention back to Raven.

“I’m just saying, they both acted really strangely when they got back from the bathroom. If they had the shits, that would certainly make them uncomfortable. That totally explains it.”

“You are disgusting.” Clarke paused for a moment before adding, “And if they had they shits, they probably would have gone back to the bathroom more than once.”

“Ah see, but that would have given their predicament away. Instead they barely spoke, ate quickly, demanded paying for the check, and basically bolted as soon as they could. They are probably in a hotel bathroom down the street as we speak.”

“Ew. Let’s stop talking about this.”

“You are just saying that, because you know I’m right.” Raven stated as she opened to door to the studio, holding it open for the singer.

As soon she entered the studio, Clarke was quickly approached by Bellamy and Nylah, who looked as though they had been waiting for her return, ready to pounce.

She stopped quickly, groaning “What now? I’m back so much earlier than I told you I would be.”

Nylah started, quickly correcting Clarke’s assumption. “No Clarke, it’s not about that.” She looked towards Bellamy.

“We wanted to apologize again.” The manager stated. “We have been talking, and you were absolutely right with everything you said to us earlier. We overstepped.”

Nylah stepped forward, closing the distance with Clarke. “You are our friend, first and foremost. We let the work stuff get in the way. But we always have your back. We will follow your lead. It’s your life, and you make the decisions. I’m really, really sorry.”

Clarke pressed her lips together lightly and looked at both of her friend, before opening her arms, ready to embrace them in a hug. “Thank you, guys. I needed that. I hate when we fight.”

“Us too.” Bellamy joked. “Especially when we have to look at that insane angry face you make.” He shuddered at the thought of it. “It’s scary.”

“I don’t know what face you are talking about.” Clarke insisted. “I don’t make a face.”

Bellamy and Nylah looked at each other and laughed. Clarke, still holding her phone, was notified of an incoming text. She looked down to read the message from Lexa.

**Lexa (1:46p):** Not sure there should be a next time Clarke. I had a good time with you, and I’m glad we had a chance to clear the air. But let’s face it, I know you don’t want to be tied down to someone from Polis and their kid.

Clarke read the message over twice. Her whole body started tingling, and her heart began racing. Dread was building. “What the hell Lexa.” She questioned aloud. This was not what she was expecting in response to her last text. Sure, lunch had been a little weird, but it didn’t seem to warrant this reaction.

“Lexa?” Both Bellamy and Nylah asked in unison.

“Yeah” Clarke distractedly murmured. She was laser focused on the text she was currently typing in response to Lexa. Her left and right thumbs were working in tandem as they furiously danced across her phone screen typing out the message.

**Clarke (1:47p)** : This is complete bullshit Lexa. I thought we were over the whole “you telling me what I want” thing. What the hell happened? I thought we were trying to start something here

Clarke brought her head back, seeing Bellamy and Nylah still standing in front of her gawking.

“What?” she asked giving a tiny head shake.

Bellamy continued staring at her. He had not heard the name Lexa in years, and he knew first hand how bad Clarke had taken their breakup. As her manger, and a boy, she was not willing to share many details with him, but Bellamy saw how much Clarke changed after Lexa left Los Angeles on that last trip.

“I had no idea Lexa was back in your life. Since when?” Bellamy was in shock.

“Wow, the famous Lexa.” Nylah added.

“It’s really new but now she’s acting weird again.” Clarke answered Bellamy first before doing a double take after absorbing what Nylah had said. “Wait, how do you know about Lexa?” she asked the other woman. “I don’t talk about her.”

Nylah crossed her arms, looking down at her feet before she replied in a quiet voice. “Yeah you don’t forget the name that your girlfriend whispers in her sleep, on multiple occasions.”

“What?” Clarke’s eyes widened at the statement.

Nylah nodded her head and pulled back her lips in a tight smile. “Happened five or six times.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“Honestly, I don’t think I wanted to know the answer. You were always half in with us. I knew it wouldn’t last forever, but I was happy for the time we had and I didn’t want to start a conversation that might end things sooner.”

Clarke just stared at her former lover for a moment before quickly reaching out and pulling the other woman into a close, tight hug, while whispering, “You were always too good for me.”

“Don’t I know it” Nylah joked back as she pulled away. “But now that I know all this is about Lexa, by the way I want to hear that story later, your behavior suddenly makes a lot more sense.

“How did this happen? Are you two back together?” Bellamy chimed in.

“It’s kind of a long story” Clarke started. “But we did get together and things were going well but now she’s acting weird and I don’t know if” she was suddenly interrupted by her phone vibrating in her hand, “hold on a sec”

Clarke opens up her phone to read Lexa’s response.

**Lexa (1:53p):** I think we were being impulsive. We are just in very different places in our lives Clarke and I think we want different things. And I might be able to give us a shot, knowing all that, if it were just me but it’s not just me. I have Madi to think about. I have a daughter who can get attached, and it’s irresponsible of me to get into something that seems like it really won’t work out. I’m sorry.

Clarke’s face fell as she read the message. “What the fuck” she murmured to herself.

“What?” Bellamy asked. “What happened?”

“It’s Lexa.” Clarke responded, closing her eyes and titling her head back. She took a few deep breaths, before returning her gaze to Bellamy and Nylah. “She’s blowing me off again. I don’t know what happened but she is doing a complete 180 from how she acted before. I don’t know what I did wrong.”

Bellamy immediately jumped in with reassurance. “Don’t blame yourself Clarke. From what I remember about Lexa, this is pretty standard. I mean, it’s not the first time she has done this to you.” He reached out to give a supportive rub on Clarke’s arm.

“Seriously? Who is this chick?” Nylah asked.

Clarke turned her attention to her ex again and sighed loudly before explaining, “long story short, she was my high school sweetheart. We were together in college and when I first got signed, but then she left me out of nowhere. No reason, no explanation.

Nylah’s face was locked somewhere between horror and sympathy “Bitch!” was the only word she offered, but Clarke was quick to scold her, “Hey. Don’t say that about her. You don’t know her.”

“Well, I do.” Bellamy jumped in again. “And I hate what she did to you.”

“I know Bell, but she explained. I’m not going to go into it, but she had her reasons for doing what she did. It was a stupid reason, but her heart was in the right place. It always is.”

“Okay, fine, if you say so.” Bellamy acquiesced. “But then what is she doing now?” He asked, gesturing towards Clarke’s phone and the latest text.

Clarke looked down at her phone again, rereading the message from Lexa, while responding, “I don’t know. And honestly, I’m not sure I have the emotional bandwidth to figure it out.” She let out a defeated puff of air and looked back to her friends. “Maybe we were not meant to be. If we were, it wouldn’t be this hard.”

“Well that’s a crock of shit if I’ve ever heard it.” Nylah rebutted.

“Excuse me?”

“That’s bullshit.” The choreographer stated. “Nobody ever said love was easy. It’s hard work, and you have to fight for it. I don’t know this Lexa, and I really don’t know your story, but I do know that she apparently still has an effect on you.” She looked into Clarke’s eyes and knew she was right. She just needed the singer to admit it. “Right?”

“Yes. She does. And I don’t really understand it, and I can’t fucking help it.” Clarke looked down again, fiddling with her fingers, cracking her knuckled and bringing each finger over to tap against her thumb. “She is a part of me. She’s not just under my skin, she’s like.... in my veins.”

“Whoa, that’s some heavy shit” cracked Raven from her spot in the hallway, where unbeknownst to the trio, she had been lingering and listening to their conversation.

Clarke gave out a humorless chuckle. “Well, heavy or not. I don’t think she feels the same way about me. I thought we were starting fresh, but here we are a few days in and she’s blowing me off again.”

“What exactly did she say” inquired Bellamy.  
Clarke didn’t respond. She just opened her phone to the text and turned it around, so her friends could read the exchange for themselves.

“Oh... lemme see!” Raven yelled as she pushed off the wall and huddled together with Bellamy and Nylah to read Lexa’s message.  
A few seconds of silence passed before Bellamy looked back to Clarke, offering only a “Huh.”

“Did something happen” Nylah asked.

“I don’t think so. We have had a hard week, and have not been able to talk much, and lunch wasn’t as pleasant as I had hoped, but this is still coming a bit out of left field.”

“Well what are you going to do about it?” came the choreographer’s follow-up question.

“What can I do?” Clarke asked with a shrug.

“Get answers!” Bellamy jumped in with a shout. “You deserve an explanation. don’t let her just slip away again Clarke. Confront her. Maybe it doesn’t go the way you want, but at least this time you will have all the information.”

“I never thought I would say this.” Raven added. “But I agree with Bellamy.”

Clarke though it over for a moment. Her mind running back to what had just transpired with Lexa, and then scrolling further to how they had ended those years ago. She slowly started nodding her head “Yeah.” She thought about how different her life might be had she actually forced a confrontation with Lexa after the horrible email. “You know what, you guys are right.”

“Damn right we are right.” Raven shouted, getting a bit too excited.

“Yeah, I’m not going to let her do this to me again.” Clarke was gaining traction now, having made up her mind on how to proceed. “I deserve a talk. Not some fucking text or email.”

“Right!” All three of her friends agreed simultaneously.

“Like hell am I going to let her do this to me again. If she doesn’t want me in her life, she’s going to tell me. To my face. Like a grownup.”

“Seems fair to me.” Nylah agreed.

Quickly Clarke’s eyes shot over to her assistant. “Raven, call me a car.”

“On it boss.” Both the singer and assistants pulled out their phones and started typing away.

Suddenly alarmed, Nylah blurted out “Wait what?” What are you doing? Where are you going?”

Clarke didn’t even look up as she answered. “I’m googling Lexa’s office and I’m going to go there and confront her.”

“Now?”

“Yes now.”

Bellamy and Nylah exchanged their tenth nervous look of the afternoon before the manager bravely cleared his throat “Well uh..”  
“You have a problem with that?” Clarke immediately interrupted, glaring hard at him, daring him to fight with her.

“Nope.” Bravery be damned, the manager was smart enough to know when to shut the hell up. Nylah, however, would not give up so easily. “So, I guess there won’t be any more rehearsal today?”

“I guess not. But I swear, whatever happens, I’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Your car is out front” Raven jumped in before the two idiots next to her dared to suggest Clarke stick around.

“Good, great. I’ll see you guys later.” Clarke turned and headed out the door. As she walked, she took another read of her last text. “Lexa Woods, I’m coming for you, and I want some fucking answers this time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many of you guessed it. Kevin Bacon is in fact a dog. And he is based off of my real dog, Kevin Bacon.


End file.
